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Happy 1st Birthday Elliott Faith Jensen

We went all out this year, celebrating life, love and this beautiful blessing named Elliott Faith.

Happy Birthday sweet Elliott, we love you.

The gifts

The proud parents

Joe and his mom, Chris

My parents, Tim & Kathy and I

The balloon launch

The purple birthday cake

The spread

Our Gift

Joe and I have received so much love and support from our family, friends and complete strangers that we want to give back in a big way too. Every year on Elliott's birthday we will give a donation to an organization that supports children of all ages, through medical resources, research and development, financial or spiritual support, perinatal hospice and funeral or memorial services. We want to give back and hopefully help another family in need. 

This year we have decided to donate to FIRST, Foundation for Ichthyosis & Related Skin Types. We have been following the story of a beautiful little girl named Brenna and her outstanding family. You can read more about Brenna's story at Blessed by Brenna.

Thank you to everyone who has carried us through this past year. We missed our little girl immensely today, but today was a day filled with love. 

Happy 2nd bday Natasher

Remember this adorable child. She turns 2 today!! Happy birthday Natasher, we are praying for you, your family and your community. May God bless you.

Helping you, help us.

"They say, when you lose a parent you lose your past, when you lose a spouse you lose your present and when you lose a child, you lose your future..."

Oh how very true that is.

Now that we're just a few weeks from what would have been Elliott's first birthday, I wanted to write a post to our family and friends and express to you something we really need....as a part of our future.

There have been several times through out this past year when I've said to Joe, or to my mom, that I just wish people would talk about Elliott more. And each time, I hear back, "do you think that maybe they just don't know what to say."

I get it that, I really do. I've been there before. Standing before a family who has just lost a baby, not knowing what to say, afraid I'll say the wrong thing, afraid I'll hurt them even more.

So what do you say?

You say exactly what's on the tip of your tongue but can't seem to make its way out of your mouth for fear you'll make us cry, or it may be the wrong thing - trust me, if we cry, those are healing tears that were on their way out eventually and now you've just helped us heal a tiny bit more. And if it is the wrong thing to say, we'll recognize that you are our family and friends it was by pure accident and we'll see the best in your love and sympathy for us. It may take us awhile to process that wrong thing you've accidentally said, but one day as were doing something mundane around the house or lying in bed, another sleepless night that wrong thing will find it's way into our thoughts and we'll think about all of the right things you've said and good things you've done for us and we'll let it go and know your intentions were good.

So what do you say, one year later....or  five, ten, twenty years later?

You can tell us you thought about us today.

You can tell us you thought about Elliott today.

You can ask us how we're doing and you let us talk. We may not have much to say that day or perhaps we will.  I still love it when Joe comes home and says to me, "I got to talk about Elliott today." Even if it is a brief conversation of telling someone, yes we had a daughter named Elliott. Those few moments of saying her name out loud, or telling when we had her or even what happened to her, help keep her memory alive and it feels so good to share that.

Don't be afraid to ask us questions like, what did she look like or how much did she weigh. Those questions bring some normalcy to our lives. Yes she died and it's been a difficult process for us, but we'd love to share the common things about her too. Like, she looked just like Joe. All of the nurses told us that. She had alot of hair and long beautiful fingers and she weighed 2 pounds 11 ounces.

You can acknowledge her by include her name on cards to us. She will always be a part of our family and her name will always be included on our cards to you.

You can celebrate her birthday with us, even if just in spirit.

You can allow us time, just as you have to mourn her and celebrate what a blessing she was and will always be in our life.

We do realize that even still some people may just be "uncomfortable" with processing the death of a baby and even more talking to the parents who have lost that child. We'll respect that, but we may not be there for you like you'd like us to. And we ask that you respect that.

But so many more of you have allowed us to share about her and have supported us in so many ways I can't even list them all out. THANK YOU!

Over Christmas we received many lovely Christmas cards, and a dear friend of mine wrote on hers to us, The Jensen Family. Perhaps that was her way of including Elliott or not, but as I read those words, Jensen Family, my heart was touched as I thought of Elliott and how she will always be a part of our family.

One last note - please don't worry about saying the wrong thing to us - the absolute worst thing you can say to a family who has lost a baby, child, teenager - is to say nothing at all.

Here's to our future, to honoring and remembering Elliott and always celebrating what a true blessing she has been to us.

The 3rd is for Elliott

I think I'm finally ready to begin working on her scrapbook. 

My goal is to have it finished by February 3rd, just in time for a little celebration.

Goodbye to 2012

It is my prayer that this is the last goodbye we have to say for a very long time. Saying goodbye to 2012 was very bittersweet. I felt sad going into the new year's eve celebrations. I felt as though saying goodbye to 2012 was one more step in saying goodbye to Elliott. Even though she's gone and we've said so many goodbyes already and in just a little over one month we'll be celebrating her 1st birthday, this is all still so hard for me. Part of me feels that in grieving for Elliott I am loving her, that grieving for her is my role as her mother, because I didn't get to experience anything beyond that. I think I'm scared that if I stop grieving for her, stop talking about her, stop blogging about her, stop crying for her  - then everyone else will forget about her.

I must sound a bit crazy at this point. That's an awful lot of pressure to put on just one person, right. See I can psycho-therapy myself haha. At least at this point, I can laugh about things.

But in all seriousness, I didn't want this year to be over just yet. There's alot I'm holding on to about last year but I'm going to work very hard at holding on to the good memories of Elliott, the pregnancy, the special bond that I shared with her, seeing her for the first time, the amazing photographs we have that I will cherish forever and ever, all of the birthdays to come where we will celebrate Elliott's life, and to our future children who we will share about Elliott with.

We received many thoughtful Christmas gifts this year and several beautiful ornaments made in Elliott's memory. Thank you Leslie, Mom and Mrs. Kroll from Joe's work. One of my friends, Brooke, created a tree just for her beautiful daughter Charlotte who passed away this past year and I think I may have to copy Brooke's creative idea for Elliott's tree next year :).

One other gift we received really, truly touched my heart and that was a gift from my brother Chris, sister in law Molly and niece Ireland. Here are this pictures below;

Faith

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith
- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God
- Ephesians  2:8

Hope

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
- Jeremiah 29:11

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud...
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- Corinthians 13:4-8

As Joe and I unwrapped the gift, Molly explained why they chose each one for us. She said that Faith stood for our faith in the Lord during our difficult trial with Elliott and how our Faith shined through as we walked through a very difficult pregnancy and the loss of our daughter.

Hope stood for our hope in our future, our future family and in each other.

And, Love stood for the love we have for Elliott and each other.

Through tear soaked eyes I smiled at Molly and hugged and thanked her. Their gift meant so much to us and even more as she explained what each word meant for us. For her to see all of that through our trial was truly eye opening for me and inspiring to me. Faith, Hope and Love - that is what I want to remember about Elliott, about 2012 and Faith, Hope and Love is what I want to take into 2013 and many years to come.

In 2012, we said goodbye to our daughter Elliott and to the dreams and hopes that snowball in the minds of first time parents.

But we also said goodbye to many other things, to fear, anger, bitterness, jealousy and the deepest darkest sadness I pray to never experience again.

There is so much I want to say hello to in 2013 and I did make a new year's resolution. To give back in Elliott's name and let her memory live on through me. I want to give back to all who gave to us, in big ways and small, through the love and compassion that was shown to us last year.

So goodbye to 2012 and thank you God for all of the blessings that came out of a very difficult trial and loss in our lives. It's been a process but I am so thankful I can see those blessing now. And, I can't wait to frame these pictures and get them up in our home.

Merry Christmas to some very special families

Last month I found a page on Facebook called the Remember Together Swap, a Christmas ornament exchange for families who have lost children. I entered Joe and I in the exchange and we were told we would receive a homemade ornament from another family just for Elliott. In return we were given the name of another family and made an ornament for them. A few days after receiving the name of the baby we were going to make an ornament for I began looking for ideas online. I looked through Pinterest a few times and finally came up with an idea. However, as I was making the ornament for the family we were given through the exchange I thought that I would make the ornaments for some other special families we know.

I covered 2 in x 2 in blocks of wood with decorative paper using mod podge. One side of each block lists the baby's name, birth date, a silhouette and the quote; "Because someone we love is in Heaven, a little bit of Heaven is in our home."

Merry Christmas, love Joe, Kim and our angel Elliott.