April 6, 2012

Friday, April 6 2012 was Elliott's original birth date. I'm so thankful for the 30 weeks I had with her and the hour we held her in our arms. We love you.

Feet mold

One of my favorite pictures of Elliott, she looks so much like Joe in this picture and so very peaceful

This picture says it all

Such a tiny little girl has made such a huge impact on so many lives

Hospital bracelet

A beautiful Haiku written by one of Joe's co-workers

Joe gave Elliott one white rose and the yarn is left over from the blanket I made for her.

Elliott's shadow box

In our family room

The 3rd is for Elliott

Look at those precious toes

And those hands, Elliott looked like her daddy but she had her mommy's hands

I would give anything to hold you again my sweet Elliott.

Take away my anger

I never expected to feel so much anger. I expected to feel sadness, which I do in ways I can't even describe. But this anger that I feel is consuming me and I really don't like the person it is trying to turn me into. By nature I'm not an angry, or bitter, or a depressed person. I have my moments of jealousy (which are ugly and I can't believe I'm admitting them to everyone reading this), my insecurities and my fears and doubts; but I never knew I could be this angry.

I'm not angry at our doctors, I'm not angry at Joe or myself, I'm not angry at the pregnant women that I meet unexpectedly throughout my days and I'm certainly not angry at their precious babies.

I'm angry at God. I'm angry that he took my child away from me. I'm angry that my daughter died. I'm angry that I am struggling each and every day to find meaning to my life now that Elliott is gone. I'm angry that I am here without her. It's not natural to be here without her. I want to hold her, I want to kiss her, I want to change her diapers, I want to be exhausted all hours of my days from taking care of her and I want to smell her sweet baby smell.

Instead, all I have is her blanket which I sleep with some nights and bury my head in as I cry for her. I have her feet molds and her pictures and my memories - yet its just not enough.

I waited patiently for Elliott's birth certificate to arrive in the mail, only to find it stamped with the word Deceased. That feeling erupted inside of my that I've been trying to control, the elephant on my chest, the panic in my mind and the emptiness in my soul.

I'm trying so hard God, to praise you, to glorify you, but I am so angry. And, I don't want to be told that I can't be angry with God. I am and I think I have a right to be, because in just 4 short days it will be the two month anniversary of my daughter's birth and death.

But I do want this anger to go away. I want this bitterness to go away. I want this loneliness to go away. I want to forgive, I want to heal, I want to find hope again, and I want to find peace again.

I know I can overcome these things through God's word, through praise, obedience, faith and prayer. I started reading a new book called the Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. Each chapter is written about an area of your life showing you how to draw closer to God, know his plans and purpose for you life and receive comfort, help and strength - which I so desperately need.

I struggle with obedience, especially when I'm angry, especially now. But, this book is helping. I need to pray faithfully and I need to ask God to deliver me from this anger, from this depression, from this sadness and bitterness.

I don't follow the tv show 19 Kids and Counting, but I watched it Wednesday night and it was the episode where they find out that their child, a daughter, who they later named Jubilee Shalom has died. It was heartbreaking, the moment Michelle was told there was no heartbeat, she cried for her daughter, but she also praised God. She praised the God who gives and takes away. I was amazed by her strength and by her faith. She shared that in the three days she waited to deliver her daughter, she couldn't pray either. But she talked to her daughter, she wrote to her and she said those three days were the most precious time she had between her daughter and her.

After we learned of Elliott's complications I read a couple of books that were given to me. One is called I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith and the other is called Choosing To See, by MaryBeth Chapman. Both of these woman experience loss of a child and both of these woman are woman of faith. Their stories touch my heart because so much of what I feel they felt. It was hard to read their stories and very sad to think of another child dying. But I read them because they were stories of survival, stories of amazing strength and stories of faith and hope. I am so grateful to have been given those books.

I am so grateful for my loving husband, Joe. He is so strong, so driven, so confident, so loving and supportive. Each morning is so routine now, he wakes up before me to get ready for work and as I lay in bed I watch him and I admire him for his strength and I am thankful he is my husband. And he motivates me to get out of bed, usually with some teasing, but he's there for me and I hope I'm there for him.

I am so grateful for my mom and dad, and my family and friends. I'm grateful for the strangers reading my blog and praying for us.

I am grateful for Elliott. I love and miss her so very much.

Pretty pansies

Just for you my sweet Elliott, love mommy and Lynne. 

My storm

It happened and I wasn't ready.

I sat at my dining room table for hours this afternoon debating how to print Elliott's pictures. Should I use Shutterfly, Mpixs, etc or should I just jump into my car, drive down the road and print them at CVS. How many pictures should I print, should I print them all, should I print a few for now, what sizes, color or black and white, should I just print the 3.5x5 for the frame on Elliott's shelf that is still sitting empty.

I feel like I failed in so many ways.

And every time I look at the one frame in our bedroom that is still empty I feel like I've failed because there is no picture of Elliott in it.

I finally decide to go to CVS, and again I can't focus on what I"m doing which seems to be happening alot these days. I know it's part of the grief process but it makes me feel like I'm failing all over again, when the simplest tasks takes 3 times as long to complete because I can't focus.

I finally, after what feels like forever, make the decision to print just the one picture of Elliott that I really want right now. The 3.5x5 profile color picture to go in the frame in our room.

The photo kiosk is taking forever at this point too, taking too long to upload the pictures, getting stuck after I make the selection I want. There are two other customers using the kiosks next to me and I'm starting to feel anxious that they might ask me about my pictures.

The lady next to me finishes her order the same time I do and we both wait for our pictures to print. Mine has printed first but I didn't hear it and she goes to grab it and realizes its not hers. "Oh that's not mine, I don't have pictures like that anymore. Oh is that your baby?"

Yes.

"Your new baby?"

Yes

"Oh, how old?"

My eyes fill up with tears and I feel like my legs are going to collaps under me. I just don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to hear the words come out of my mouth.

She passed away.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." And she hugged me and said God bless you.  I sat back down on the chair and said thank you. It's ok. We're doing ok..... I lied. And I got up, paid for my picture and walked out.

I cried on the drive home, I cried in my car in my garage, and I cried inside my house and I cried even more when I realized I printed the picture wrong way. I needed it to be a profile picture and I printed it landscape.

Inside I just really want to scream, I am so angry right now. Angry that everytime I try to do something "normal" I am reminded that Elliott is gone, as if I need to be reminded. I go for a walk with my husband on Sunday, the first person we pass on the sidewalk is a lady pushing her baby in a stroller. Really God!

I go to the grocery store on Monday, I count 5 - yes 5 baby girls and 2 pregnant women. Thanks for that one too God!

Tuesday, I go back to the salon to get my hair cut a bit more and I have to sit and listen to two ladies talk about their pregnancies the entire time I'm there. Ok God, I really really don't know how much more of this I can take in one week.

And then, today happened. And now that I'm home, I'm angry that I didn't share with that lady about Elliott. I should have shown her the picture I printed and said yes, this is my daughter, Elliott Faith, isn't she beautiful.

I called my husband and cried to him. He came home early from work to be with me and he listened and he said it was ok. "It's ok that your just not ready."

Memories

The scrapbook I ordered arrived yesterday in the mail. No big surprise I went with purple. We have so many beautiful pictures of Elliott, our maternity photos, Elliott's ultrasound pictures and many quotes, poems and bible verses that were given to us as words of love, comfort and hope. I'm looking forward to spending alot of time on this project.

All Of Me

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close

To what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But give you all of me

Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness

Steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I'll share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment

It's too wonderful to speak 

You're worth all of me 

You're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

Written by Matt Hammitt.

This song was sung at Elliott's funeral..
The first time I heard it I felt like it was written just for Elliott, Joe and I. 

I pray everyday that Elliott knows how much I love her, how much I loved her while she was in my womb, even on those incredibly sad days where all I could do was sit and cry as I felt her kicks and knew the time would come all to soon when I wouldn't feel her. 

I pray she knows how hard her daddy fell in love with her the minute she was placed in his hands and how for the hour we had with her we did the best we could to show her our love. And how she holds the biggest place in our hearts and how much we will love her for the rest of our lives.