A small opportunity to give back

As we began to share the news of sweet Elliott's complications and prognosis our family and friends and even strangers who heard our story wrapped their arms around us and carried us through some of the most difficult, dark, scary and sad days of our lives.

At the hospital we delivered Elliott at, nurses who took a little extra time to be compassionate with us, touched our hearts forever. One even shared her own story of loss and we were reminded that we are not alone in this.

As we left the hospital with empty arms and shattered hearts, wishing so desperately that this was a nightmare we would soon wake up from, Joe and I knew we needed to love, respect and comfort each other more than we ever had before.

Love, compassion, empathy, respect and grace. I have never witnessed these acts more than I have in last year of my life. So many people have touched our hearts and have left me wanting to give back and help others too.

An opportunity came up recently at the hospital that I work at allowing me to be on the floors assisting patients as a dietetic technician. Without getting into too much detail, I see around 80 patients a day, assisting them with their meal selections and making sure they stay in compliance with their diet order and receive the adequate nutrition they need.

Years ago I would never have thought I would be working in healthcare. The thought of working in a hospital I found to be a bit frightening. But so much has changed since then, I have changed. When the opportunity at work came up I jumped for it immediately. I really didn't question it, I just knew I wanted to do it. I wanted to help these patients. I really felt as though it was less of me pushing myself to try something new and more of being called to do this. I really believe that God has placed this opportunity in my life at this exact moment for a reason. That this is not for me to be prideful about, but it is an opportunity to show His love and compassion through my words and actions.

My first day on the floor began with a variety of emotions. I was incredibly nervous but excited at the same time. I was training with another diet tech so I wasn't on my own just yet. As we headed out of our office and on to the floors I felt those butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter....what am I doing I thought.

We turned the corner and entered a patient's room, it was a female patient and immediately I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I just kept picturing myself in that bed, in that gown, the smells, the sights, the noises everything was coming back to me of those horrible days in the hospital without Elliott. I felt myself inching back towards the doorway. Where is the closest exit?/?I just want to go home and cry. I felt the tears fill in my eyes and I batted them away. I looked at the patient in the bed and some how was able to think about her, just her. I'm here to help her today. That's why I'm doing this.

As we went from room to room, my heart felt heavier and heavier. So many of these patients are so very sick and some of them so very sad. And I felt sad too.

Thursday was an incredibly emotional day for me and there were many times throughout the day that I just wanted to say to the woman I was training with, I'm sorry but I just don't think I can do this.....

But God was telling me, oh yes you can. And with His help I made it through the day and as Friday morning came, I woke up bright an early and headed back to work to do it all over again. I took the elevator to the 5th floor and headed to my office. But as I walked down the hallway I recognized a woman leaving and then I recognized her husband, who I had just helped the day before. I couldn't believe he was up and walking and being discharged. I instantly felt my spirit being lifted and I felt a new excitement about the day.

I was less nervous and not as sad, but as always had Elliott on my mind. As we entered the patient's rooms, many of the same patients we saw the day before I observed how much better they looked and acted. They were feeling better, their spirits were up, they were more willing to work with me, some of them said thank you and some even smiled back at me and many of them told me they were going home that same day.

And I thought, this is how it's supposed to be. People are supposed to get better and be happy and go home to their families and their lives again. And I want to help them do that. And even if what I'm doing is such a small part of helping them feel better and get well. Even if all I can do is offer them a smile and let them know that just because their family may have left for the night, they are not alone in this building and we are here to help them. Even if all I can do is show them compassion by spending just an extra minute or two in their room to hear them share a story or voice a concern or even a complaint, they just want someone to listen.

We didn't get to leave the hospital happy, we left devastated and with a huge part of us gone. But many of these patients will get to leave happy and well and I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to help them do that, even if it's just in the smallest way.

So thank you to everyone who touched my life and showed me love and compassion.

And to my sweet Elliott, without you, I would not be who I am today. All that I do is in honor of you.

The 3rd is for Elliott

Sweet Elliott, we found out we were pregnant with you two days before our second wedding ceremony with our family and friends. We had so much joy in our hearts during that time.

And we never stopped loving you 

It's a long one, but worth the read

As we approach the "6 month" mark I've begun to feel as though all of my emotions have been magnified, my highs seem higher and my lows much lower.

Is this the depression stage of grief, is this postpartum, is this ptsd, is this mom guilt? These are the things running through my mind and I keep thinking, yes, all of these things are wrong with me and they are just now starting to show their ugly head, 6 months later. 6 months of very hard work down the drain, 6 months of getting out of bed to face the day, 6 months of finding joy in the big things again and 6 months of realizing how very very little the small "issues" in life matter, 6 months of loving my husband and spending quality time with him even with a very big part of "us" gone, 6 months of working so very hard to restore a relationship with God, a relationship based solely on faith and trust when in the pit of my stomach I want to hate Him, blame Him and not trust Him again for breaking my heart into a million pieces.

And then there's the 6 month mark, we waited the 6 months that our doctors told us to wait. 6 months to let my body heal or was it supposed to be 6 months to let our hearts heal??? I find myself obsessing over getting pregnant again, not so much about getting pregnant, but about not causing anything bad to happen again. There it is again, that guilt that hides in the pit of my stomach. Did I do something that caused all of those complications for Elliott? So here I am, taking all of the prenatals again and the 4mg of folic acids. I'm replacing household cleaners with organic items, I'm reading the ingredients of every food item I buy. I've already banned green tea from my diet, yes green tea which is known to cause neural tube defects....those are the words on her death certificate, neural tube defect. I remember asking my ob about that at one of my follow up appointments for the c-section and he simply and without any emotion said, yes that's what we put on there but she had many other problems too. As if I had forgotten?

So here we are, 6 months later. We will start trying again soon and all we can ask for now are your prayers. Prayers for calm hearts and calm minds because I know I'll be a nervous wreck, but most importantly prayers for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. We believe in our hearts that God will bless us with a healthy baby.

A few weeks ago I started another bible study, this one by Priscilla Shirer called Seed. It's a 6 (ironic) week study on the following; Forgotten, Enough, Control, Armor (last nights reading), Five and Glory. Well to say God has a funny sense of humor when it comes to timing is an understatement as each week I have been able to relate, connect and find healing in each reading.

Forgotten - yes we have felt forgotten by Him, He forgot to hear our prayers and our pleading, He forgot to heal our sweet Elliott, and He forgot to give us the joy of being parents. But, has he really forgotten about us? "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be firm (steadfast), immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord (always being superior, excelling, doing more than enough in the service of the Lord), knowing and being continually aware that your labor in the Lord is not futile (it is never wasted or to no purpose)" 1 Cor. 15:58. He hasn't forgotten us and in fact, knowing what the future holds should compel us to be that much more diligent in the present. We were diligent in fulfilling Gods will with Elliott.

Enough - I have never in my life felt so incredibly empty as I felt during the pregnancy and over the past 6 months. I may never agree or completely understand why we have to learn or be tested this way, but I have learned through loosing Elliott, through feeling empty, through wanting to give up, that only He is enough to deliver me through it. He is enough to help me face this grief, He is enough to give me strength when I am weak, He is enough to give me peace through the storm. "May grace (God's favor) and peace (which is perfect well-being, all necessary good, all spiritual prosperity, and freedom from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts) be multiplied to you in (the full, personal, precise, and correct) knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. For His divine power has bestowed upon us all things that (are requisite and suited) to life and godliness through the (full, personal) knowledge of Him Who called us by and to His own glory and excellence (virtue)". 2 Pet. 1:2-3.

Control - This one hit pretty close to home too. What are all the things I want to control? My job, my house, my health, my finances, my husband, my (insert anything here). I'm human right, and this is still a daily battle to accept but in reality nothing is in my control. I couldn't control the complications Elliott had, I couldn't control that there was nothing the doctors could do for her, I couldn't even control when we had her. I tried to buy more time with her, but it was all in God's control, His timing and His plan. I can't control how long it may take us to get pregnant again and I can't control what the doctors tell us during that first ultrasound and I can't control what our future brings, but He can. "Then He said to them, 'My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me' And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will but as You will.'" Matt. 26: 38-39.

Armor - Yesterday was a tough day at work. It's hard to concentrate some days and the mistakes I make multiply and the doubt is doubled.  Am I capable of doing this job? Did I go back to work too soon? What if my co-workers knew what I'm going through, would they be more patient and understanding with me? On the drive home I cried again, tears because I miss Elliott, tears because life is really hard sometimes, tears because I want so badly to be pregnant again, to have a healthy baby and to be able to give all of the mommy love I have to another baby, and tears because I'd give anything not be at work right now but to be home with my Elliott. I slow down as I get closer to home and dry my eyes, let the redness clear because even though I know Joe would be right there to hug me, console me and be strong for me, I just don't want to ask this of him again today. He's been my rock and I am so grateful to him. But I know he needs a break too, I'm already a sensitive and emotional person by nature and since Elliott everything has been magnified and I'm sure it takes it's toll on Joe. God blessed me with a good, strong, selfless and supportive husband, this I do know and do not take for granted.

I didn't want to go to my bible study last night either, I just wanted to feel sorry for myself, give in to the depression and sit on the couch and be numb to my situation. But I managed to gather up the strength and will power and I went to bible study...

This is the verse we recited at the beginning of the evening;
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Eph. 6: 10-18.

Through tear filled eyes I recited that verse with a room full of women and I thanked God for pouring those words into my soul at the right exact moment. The armor of God will protect me from satan. His belt of truth will protect me from the lies satan feeds me, lies that I'm incapable of doing my job at work, lies that I'm weak and unworthy of a family of my own. His breastplate of righteousness will protect my heart from becoming bitter, angry and void of love and happiness. And the shield of faith, which seems to be where I'm tested the most, will protect me from believing that God has truly forgotten about Joe and I. With the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit I will come to know Him more day by day.

I believe satan sees how far I've come and how strong my faith is now and he's trying to take make me weak. I think he sees how much love and respect Joe and I have for each other and he's trying to break that down, I think he sees our hope and he's trying to shatter it, but I won't let him ruin all of these things for me, and for Joe.

With the armor of God I will be strong and I will give Him all of the glory.

The 3rd is for Elliott

Many silent heros helped us bring Elliott into the world
and supported us during the pregnancy. 

Dr. F. was the specialist who worked with us from the very beginning. She performed the ultrasound that showed all of Elliott's complications and had to tell us all of them, one by one as we cried in the room. She told us how sorry she was for us, she sat with us as we cried, she hugged us, she supported us, she allowed and encouraged us to come in for monthly ultrasound, many of them just to see Elliott move around knowing it would be the only time we'd get to see her do this, she patiently and professionally answered many questions we asked her, many of them over and over as we tried to accept things and she told us she thought of us as family. The day I begged her for an amnio-reduction to buy more time with Elliott, she told me how much she admired Joe and I. And the day we went into labor unexpectedly she asked if she could be in the operating room to meet Elliott. And she called a week after we left the hospital to see how we were doing. We are so thankful to her. 

This is Janet with Perinatal Hospice. She was introduced to us by my friend Lynn who is another silent hero who mentored me and supported me during the entire pregnancy. Janet volunteers her time to work with families who have received a terminal prognosis during their pregnancy. After months and months of hearing from doctors that there was nothing they can do for Elliott, Janet came into our lives and said, yes, there is something you can do. She showed us how to plan and prepare as best we could to say goodbye to Elliott. And when that's all that you can do it means so much to you. She provides many services for families and allows you to choose those which you are comfortable with. She is truly an angel.

We had originally planned to deliver Elliott at Providence Park Hospital in Novi with the doctors and nurses we had worked with. However, we had drove to Southfield, MI for Dr. F. to perform the amnio-reduction and it actually caused me to go into labor. I was offered the option of being transferred to Novi, but with such intense labor pains and getting sick because of them, we all agreed it would be best just to stay in Southfield. And in comes Nurse R. She introduced herself to us and we gave her our birthplan and told her we were as prepared as could be for this day. She sat down on my bed and explained to Joe and I that she was part of a group of nurses who works with many families like ours and had several things for us. Joe and I couldn't believe it, this was truly a blessing from God and we felt so supported and in good hands. She presented us with a dress and hat for Elliott and we were so touched. I had made Elliott's blanket for her, but now we had a precious dress for her as well. Nurse R. was incredibly supportive and loving to Elliott and supported our birth plan and everything we asked for the day we had her. Joe and I knew that only God could have brought her into our lives at such an important time.



These are only a few people who supported us and Elliott and we are so thankful and grateful to them. So many other people helped along the way as well and without you all I really don't think we could have gotten through it. And your love and support is all we can ask for now as the days, weeks and months pass. It's still so very hard to believe what we've been through and continue to go through but you all in big and small ways help us to know we are loved, thought about, prayed for and that Elliott will always be remembered by our family and friends. Thank you.

I miss her

Saturday we went to the Ann Arbor Art Fair and on our bus ride into town was a little boy named Elliott...

I heard his dad call out his name as I sat down in my seat, my eyes immediately turned to Joe and we gave each other that familiar look... the look of yes I heard what you heard, the look of are you ok, yes I'm going to be ok, the look of I miss her too.

It was so nice to hear her, and his, name said out loud. I wanted to turn and see what this Elliott looked like but I didn't, I just thought of our Elliott. And I thought of her as we walked through the fair and as I looked at all of the other little girls. And I thought of her as I stared into a black and white photo of a girl dancing in the rain, just a silhoutte, unable to see the color of her eyes, or the color of her hair. Never hearing the sound of her voice or the way she laughs...

I miss her so much.

Sometimes, I just want to hold her again.

Sometimes, I just wish she was here.

This time last year

This time last year things were going so well for Joe and I. We were feeling more and more at home here in Michigan, happy with our jobs, invested in our church, spending time with new friends, and planning our July wedding ceremony with our family and friends back in Illinois. I really didn't think life could get any better, until July 28th when on a whim I took a pregnancy test and walla it turned out positive!

Seeing those two lines gave me goosebumps all over my body, I really couldn't believe it but there it was. We were pregnant and we were beyond happy and feeling so incredibly blessed. Sharing the news with our parents was the best part of all. We knew they would be thrilled for us, for themselves too and we knew they would give our little peanut all the love in the world.

This if a favorite picture of mine taken by our wedding photographer. I love it not because it shows my dress, but beyond the jewels, beyond the dress was our little peanut, there with us on that special day. Joe and I had a big secret we couldn't wait to share with everyone but we patiently waited until the time was right. I remember sitting at our wedding reception listening to the speeches and wanting to be next and announce to the entire room full of our family and friends that we were pregnant! Oh, how I wish I'd had.

For those of you who have followed this blog and know our story, you know what comes next. Our world came crashing down.

I've been struggling alot these past few weeks and have privately (and publicly) been sharing my struggles. But I've also been waiting for them to pass. Grief is like a cycle, for me at least. For days at a time, or even moments through out a day I experience so many varied emotions, sadness, denial, guilt, depression, fear but gradually those turn to a certain kind of acceptance, peace and happiness.

But, lately those darker emotions have been hanging around a little more. At first I thought, well feared, I was moving backwards with this entire "healing thing" and felt so discouraged and almost angry with myself. I've worked so hard these past few months to find peace, to get stronger emotionally and mentally, to get into living again. I don't want to go backwards.

And then it hit me, it's July, the month we found out we were pregnant, the month we found out we were going to be parents and have a baby and a family of our own. We've already started to repeat some of the same things we did while we were pregnant with Elliott and wow, is that a surreal thing to experience. Because so many of those experiences last year were done with the expectation, the hope and the excitement, that the following year would be spent as a family of three doing it them together again.

All I can say is its hard now and life was so easy before all of this. Life was easy, life was fun, and life was taken for granted. So much has changed now, it's harder then I ever thought it would be and I have to really work at making it enjoyable again. But one thing is for sure, I do not take anything for granted anymore, even the small stuff even the routine stuff....and I'm being me. I don't care what others think, I don't care if what I'm doing goes against the grain, I'm being me, I'm being honest with myself and I'm not taking anything or anyone for granted. And I'm having more of a voice in this life God has given me. A voice of faith. I believe all of this is a gift from Elliott.

I think I've said this before, but every day is really a choice. God is the one who doesn't forget to wake me up in the morning, but then I choose to get out of bed, I choose how I spend my day, and I choose not to take it for granted. Some days are easier than others, and most days are still so very hard and to my family and friends it may not seem like I'm enjoying the day or that I'm not "ok". And on those days, I'm probably not "ok" but I'm trying. And most of all I am so thankful for your love, support, patience and understanding.

Every day is spent with Elliott in mind, I think about her every second of every day....

Initially, the tears want to fall and my heart breaks when I realize that what we're doing today was something we did last year with Elliott growing in my belly. But, I'm trying so hard to enjoy those memories too. Because after all, isn't that what we choose for her. We choose life when everything else screamed at us not to.

So with all of my heart and strength and many tears shed, I'm going to go in to this month of July and this year following, celebrating Elliott's life and the memories we shared with her. And thanking God for the time we had with her.

My Memorial Tattoo

I follow an online magazine called Still Standing, it's a beautiful magazine with contributors from around the world to inspire healing after the loss of a child, and those facing infertility. Many of the articles I have read have brought just that, healing. Whether in feeling less alone, or feeling safe to cry those tears I hold in most days, or even getting a smile or two out on a tough day, I'm a faithful follower. 

A few months ago the magazine did a tribute on memorial tattoos, and the pictures families shared were beautiful and I just kept thinking, what a wonderful way to honor your child. I also knew right away that that was what I wanted to do for Elliott.

On Friday, June 29th I got my first and praying to God my last tattoo. I knew I wanted to get her name on my foot and her foot prints. The tattoo artist Dale, asked me which was most important and I said it is her name. I felt so emotional when he asked me that question, because it truly is so important, her name. I also wanted those precious foot prints and he was able to get it all on my foot. He scaled her prints down significantly, but they are hers, her exact prints and pointing right to her mommy.

For sweet Elliott

Pretty sure I left grip marks on that table but it was all worth it.

My cousin Jill. She got her son's name, Liam, on her wrist, it looks beautiful as well.

Jill, thanks for going with me and giving me the courage to get my tattoo. You're a brave woman too and I love that we shared this experience together. I love you, I love Liam and I love my sweet Elliott.