Angel Wings

For this year's annual Christmas cookie exchange with some friends here in Michigan, I found a recipe I couldn't pass up called...Angel Wings

I found the recipe in one of my favorite cooking magazines, the Food Network Magazine. These little cookies were so much fun to make and super easy. They are best when hot and fresh and taste a bit like those delicious funnel cakes from the fair. Only these have lemon zest added for some fresh zing. Love them.

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At last year's cookie exchange I was pregnant with Elliott. I love to cook and bake and to do that with Elliott would have been a dream come true. I can picture her in the kitchen with me, covered in flour and sugar, licking the icing and and sprinkles off her fingers. Maybe it's so easy to picture because recently I received this picture of my niece Ireland making cookies with my brother and sister in law. Ireland is a beautiful reminder of Elliott for us. When Elliott was born, she had the longest fingers and my mom said her hands looked just like Ireland's.

Angel Wings recipe (Food Network)
2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
1/2 cup sour cream
4 large egg yolks
2 tablespoons honey
1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest (I use more)
1/2 teaspoon salt
Vegetable oil, for frying
2 cups confectioners' sugar

Combine the flour, sour cream, egg yolks, honey, lemon zest and salt in a stand mixer fitted with a dough hook attachment. (or a hand mixer with 1 beater as I used) Mix on meduim-high speed until the dough comes together and begins to pull away from the bowl, 3-4 minutes. (if you use a hand mixer, you will need to use your hands to form the dough into a ball). Turn out onto a floured surface and knead until smooth, about 5 minutes. Divide into 2 balls, loosely cover with plastic wrap and let sit at room temperature, 1 hour.

Roll out each ball on a floured surface into a 12-inch square, about 1/8 inch thick. Cut each square into 7 strips, then cut each strip crosswise into thirds (you will have 42 squares). One at a time, make a 1 inch slit lengthwise down the center of each rectangle; lift a short end and thread it through the slit, then pull out and twist in the middle so it looks like a bow.

Heat about 3 inches of vegetable oil in a pot over medium heat until a deep-fry thermometer registers 350. Fry 5-7 cookies at a time, turning until deep brown, 2-3 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on paper towels. Toss in the confectioners' sugar. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days.

For you sweet Elliott.

Sandy Hook Elementary, I am praying To God for you

As like many of you, I spent all day yesterday following the news of the horrible massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary. I watched the news into the late evening, went to sleep thinking of the families and woke up thinking of those same families.

I know what it's like to lose a baby, our baby Elliott, who we love with all of our hearts, who we wanted with all of our hearts, and who we miss with all of our hearts.

BUT, I can not even fathom what it's like to have your child murdered, a child who you've seen grow into their sweet, loving, charismatic self each day. To know everything about them, what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, to know their fun little ways, their dreams, their smiles, their hugs and their "I love yous". All of that gone, in an instant, and why?

It was around 9pm last night that I could feel the shock of the news wearing off and the reality setting in of the grieving families. I started to feel physically sick myself, reliving the loss of Elliott and those initial days when she was no longer with us. I remember the day of her funeral I had cried so hard that day and as I was walking upstairs to our bedroom to go to sleep I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I didn't even recognize myself, the pain I felt on the inside was truly reflected on the outside, my face distorted from pain, brows furrowed, eyes squinted shut from the puffiness of crying all day. I had seen what I looked like after crying plenty of times, but this was different. I could truly see the pain in my soul on my face. It was ugly. I looked ugly, I thought to myself at that moment this is an ugly place in our lives. I laid down in bed that night and for the first (and only) time I prayed to God that I would not wake up the next morning. I didn't think I could possibly live beyond that ugliness. The loss of a child is ugly. The men and women who murder these innocent people are ugly. The evil in our world is ugly.

The imbalance in our world is beyond me. How do we possibly change things? Why does it take tragedies like September 11th to come together as a country, to love our neighbors like ourselves, to be unified, or for a massacre at an elementary school for it to be "politically correct" to say we have to pray for these families, yet prayer and God are banned from schools. And we have to be so sensitive to one another's feeling for fear we will offend them with the slightest talk of "religion" or "faith" or God. Come on!!!

I don't care who I offend. I believe in God. I am a follower of Christ, I pray to the Lord my God, to Jesus Christ who lived and died for me.

And what breaks my heart even more, and history has shown, that in just a few short months or maybe a year we will all move on, we will stop talking about those innocent children and adults who were murdered, we will stop praying for those families, and we will go back our lives, to a country so divided on every political issue, a country full of people so engrossed in their own agenda that they can't even see beyond themselves to what their family, friends and or neighbors needs are. And, before we know it we will be watching the news again, watching another horrible tragedy play out before our eyes and all we will say is, we have to pray for these families.

But what have we done since then.

It saddened me to hear a news castor say last night, "We're hoping some of these children are young enough that they will forget and not remember this day." Seriously! How can you possibly think that. Think back to when you were a child and all of the things you remember. I remember the very first time I got my name on the board in kindergarten. At 5 years old that was a tragedy to me and I still remember it to this day. How, HOW can you possibly think that these kids will not remember this day. They will remember and they are victims too. They may not remember every detail, but they will remember and it will shape who they become.

We shape the future for our children, as parents, siblings, aunt and uncles, as neighbors, teachers, coaches, law enforcement and political leaders...

What is it going to take to make a change? I'm not just proposing this, I'm seriously asking myself this just like each of you are? What is it truly going to take? I wish I had the answers.

I wish I could do something, say something to the families in Connecticut.  I guess all I can do all the way from Michigan, like so many in our country are doing, is pray To GOD for them. I pray that God will provide them with peace in their hearts like He did mine, I pray that He will provide them with strength to face every day from this point on like He has for me, I pray that He will show them love and compassion through their families, friends, neighbors and complete strangers like He did for me and I pray that in time He will show them the good in this world and not just the ugly like He has shown me.

Christmas time is here...

For those of you who do not know my husband Joe, he brings joy and laughter wherever he goes. He's goofy, entertaining and witty but beneath all of that he is caring, sincere and has one of the biggest hearts I know. A few days after Thanksgiving, in a grumpy pitiful tone I said to Joe, "if this was a normal year, I would have already had the tree up, so if you want it up just tell me...", his response was - "This is Elliott's first Chrstimas in Heaven, we have to put it up."

On Sunday we attended a candle light service at Vermeulen Funeral Home. It was a special night for all of the families there and as we lit our candle we said our loved one's name out loud for all to hear. This is for you sweet Elliott.

Tonight Joe and I will be going to Glory of Christmas at our church. We attended last year as well and I remember feeling so many emotions at one time. I felt overwhelming sadness, brokenness and grief - yet I felt peace, joy and so very very blessed. Even knowing Elliott's prognosis, I felt blessed to have gotten pregnant and experiencing that amazing feeling of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I felt blessed to have experienced Elliott's kicks in my belly. My favorite thing to eat while I was pregnant with her was orange jello with those little oranges in it. She would move around like crazy after I would eat it and I cherished those memories so much. I felt blessed for the time I, we had with her. Elliott's loss has certainly taken it's toll on me. I've had some pretty ugly days and I will never be the same. I've been living in this grief cloud for a long time but I feel it lifting. This year I'm looking forward to another evening with Joe and another powerful and inspirational Glory of Christmas performance.

Dear Lord, I have so much to be thankful for and to give You praise over. I'm so blessed and this year I want to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. I may not be able to bring myself to go shopping at the mall and I may cry while wrapping every gift this year but I will continue to honor You, give glory to You and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

The 3rd is for Elliott

Elliott holding Janet's hand

Me holding Joe's hand

Thankfulness

The days leading up to Thanksgiving were emotional just as to be expected. During the seven hour drive home to visit family and friends we were reminded of her absence by the silence in the car. No giggling baby playing in her car seat, no fussy tears from a little girl tired of being buckled up for hours upon hours. No silly kids songs playing on the radio to pass the time. Our bags are packed with familiar items, our clothes, not hers. Books, phones and computers to steal away the silence and distract us from the void.

We stopped at McDonalds for lunch half way home and at the table next to us sat a mom and dad with their three girls. Three! I found myself thinking, why did they get three? Isn't that horrible. I hate those moments, of bitterness, jealousy, frustration. Another family enters in, two more little girls run in to the bathroom. My eyes can only focus on the chicken salad in front of me that I no longer have any appetite to eat. I miss Elliott so much.

Joe looks up and says,..."I feel like there are a million little girls in this place". That's what the weight of her being gone is like. Two, three become hundreds, almost suffocating.

It's only after being back in the cold, back in our car, just the two of us, some thirty miles away from that McDonalds that I feel like I can breath again. And I thank God for those little girls, those blessing to their parents. And I thank God for Elliott.

Is it wrong for me to just want her here with us. To dress her in her First Thanksgiving shirt, let her lick a bit of chocolate from the cake I made, snuggle her in our arms late at night as we sit with the rest of our family.

At one point during our drive home, I said to Joe, lets just turn around and go back home.

I'm so glad we didn't. I'm glad we traveled home to my parents. I'm grateful for the time I spent cooking in the kitchen with my mom and talking. I'm glad she was there to give me a hug after I cried because the pot of sugar boiling on the stove boiled over - twice. She knew the true reason for the tears.

I'm grateful for my family this Thanksgiving day, for my cousin Steph for hosting, her daughter Vanessa for saying grace and my nephew Jensen for filling my empty arms for a few hours during the day. I'm thankful for my cousin Jill who lets me know she's thinking of us in one way or another just about every week.

I'm thankful for Joe's mom showing me the Sock Kitty she bought for Elliott and is now kept as a reminder of her.

I'm thankful for my husband for being by my side each and every day.

We're blessed beyond measure with amazing friends and family. I would list you all out name by name if I could and all that you've done for us.

And I'm thankful for Elliott. I'm thankful for the time we had with her and the memories we have of her.

The gooey chocolate pumpkin spice cake I made.
Tastes better than it looks but wanted to show what took way to long to make.

Jensen opening his birthday gift from us.
I can't believe this big guy is 1 already.

My parents planted a Crimson Maple tree for Elliott in their front yard.
It will  have purple leaves. 

From my devotional Saturday morning;
Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction: You give Me thanks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is a spiritual act of obedience - at times, blind obedience. To people who don't know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties may remain.
Thankfulness opens your heart to My Presence and your mind to My thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see from My perspective. It is the Light of My Presence that removes the sting of adversity. 
Ephesians 5:20; Psalm 118:1; Psalm 89:15.

Elliott's Story

Last month Joe and I were asked to speak at a fundraiser for Perinatal Hospice of Washtenaw County. Janet Holtz, Director of Perintal Hospice helped us immensely throughout the pregnancy and during Elliott's birth. Her services are unique and of great importance to families experiencing a pregnancy with a terminal prognosis.

Joe and I with Janet Holtz

A few of our favorite pictures of Elliott

Memory boxes and information on Perinatal Hospice

Names of the babies Janet has helped over the years

The fundraiser was held at Christ the King Parish in Ann Arbor Michigan and included an evening of music by renowned composer and musician Eric Genuis and his Violinist, Alena Merimee, Cellist Sophie Webber and Soprano Holly Sedillos. His music is absolutely beautiful and more information about him can be found here. 

Joe and I with Eric Genuis

After listening to our video for the first time, I realized we left out one of the most important points, that Elliott was a gift from God, a true blessing and we are so thankful for her. Only God truly knows how long, or short, our lives will be. And as I've said before, life is not defined by days, months or years, it is fined by love. So love God with all of your heart, mind and soul. Love your family, love them with all of your heart, forgive them for their ways, their mistakes, those hurtful words they can't take back. Life is too short not too. Love your friends and don't hesitate to make new ones. You never know, they may just be the very ones that carry you through the darkest days of your life. Love your husband or wife to the fullest. Joe was my rock, my strength from the very day we knew of Elliott's prognosis. He was strong when I couldn't be. He held me every day that I cried and held back his own tears. He went to work every day and faced the impossible with grace while I stayed at home, hid from the world and sought safety in the comfort of these four walls. Joe handled the hardest details, the planning of Elliott's funeral, holding his first born and pouring all the love a daddy could offer in just one short hour, and handing her fragile body over to the funeral staff so I didn't have to. In the days following he made sure everyone else was ok before he even began to think about what he needed. Joe is an amazing husband and father.

A view of the beautiful church

This opportunity was truly a blessing and we are so thankful to Janet for asking us to speak. My parents were able to make the trip to Michigan from Illinois to be with us. They graciously agreed to video tape our speech and as you will find in watching our video it was an emotional evening for everyone. We decided not to edit the video but to give it to you raw, just as we spoke that night, with raw emotions and truth. Please forgive the shaky video.

 

The 3rd is for Elliott

In this month of Thanksgiving we share how thankful we are for our sweet Elliott. She has changed our lives and touched our hearts in ways we never thought possible. She is forever our daughter and we her parents and one day we will get to spend eternity with this precious little angel. 

We are so thankful.