Our weekend was full of ups and downs again...seems to be the pattern these days.
This may seem like the most bizarre time for me to be thinking about a job but I haven't been working since October and my days are consumed with thoughts and prayers for Elliott, hours spent on the internet trying to understand her conditions and wishing so desperately I will find a cure for her, and to be quite honest to many hours zoning out in front of the t.v. to get through the really hard days.
I'm trying so hard to keep a "normal routine", get up with Joe every morning as he leaves for work and I begin my day too. Even the simplest of things right now make me feel as though I'm functioning ok during this time like doing the housework, exercise or even just a shower. So when the opportunity came up for the job interview I took it. It was refreshing to have a challenge for the day, I enjoyed so much getting out and talking about something other than what we are going through. My interview went very well and I was even offered the position.
However, on my drive home my emotions and excitement quickly went out the window. Dr. N called again, this time to discuss with me the conversation he'd had with our specialist. Dr. F. had told him that as she reviewed the last ultrasound report she could see that Elliott's conditions are getting worse. As Elliott continues to grow, everything else in her body gets bigger. Dr. F. is very concerned with the diaphragmatic hernia, as there is limited room in her chest cavity and everything that is in there that should be in her belly will begin to run out of space and push on her heart and tiny lung buds. They still want to continue the monthly ultrasounds to monitor her and the amniotic fluid.
It's after phone calls like these that I feel like I've failed, that I haven't prayed hard enough for her or wanted a better outcome enough for her.
On Saturday we met with Janet, the Director of Perinatal Hospice. She came to our home and discussed her services to us and I am so thankful that we met with her. I'm also so incredibly thankful to the woman who put me in touch with Janet from hospice, a woman I met several months back through my church, Lynne. Lynne has carried me through this time with prayers, emailing bible verses to me, and supporting me in many other ways. Thank you so much Lynne for everything.
Janet is truly a gift to families like ours. She runs a non-profit organization that provides a great deal of services to families and we can use all or a few of the things she has to offer. We have chosen for her to assist us in birthing classes, she will come to our house so we don't have to go to the hospital and take the classes with the other pregnant women. She will also come with us to the hospital as our advocate and assist with anything we need, like providing a private room for our families to wait in away from the regular waiting room and communicate with them so they can meet Elliott immediately after she is here. She will provide some other services for us at the hospital and has offered to help us with the planning after Elliott is here but we prefer to do that on our own.
She brought us a few gifts as well including a keepsake box and a handmade blanket which immediately brought tears to our eyes. On Friday I went to Michaels, bought a few things of yarn and a crochet guide. I want to make Elliott a blanket to wrap her in. The other handmade blanket from Janet will be ours to keep.
Joe and I have more decisions to make from this point on to plan and prepare for our sweet Elliott. And with the news that we received on Friday I can't even think about work right now. I'm already in my third trimester and time is going by too fast. I really want to spend these next 10+ weeks with Elliott, doing everything I can for her. Making the arrangements, finishing her blanket, getting in to all of my doctors appointments, reading to her and exercising with her. The third trimester has brought a few new pains with it such as constant back pain, a very tender and sore growing belly and many many sleepless nights. I'm hoping daily exercise will help greatly with this. I'm not complaining by any means and one thing is for sure, Elliott has taught me the true importance of life, and it isn't the little things that we all so quickly get consumed with and complain about. Despite my uncomfortableness, I would give anything to slow down these next few months with her.
