I've prayed for God to take away my anger and I believe he's answering my prayers. I feel as though my anger is softening and will eventually be no more.
Now, I pray for the Lord to take away my fear.
The fear I have of loss. The fear that is so debilitating and paralyzing that it keeps me from moving forward some days. The fear I have that brings physical pain to my body, my heart breaking all over again, my empty arms aching for the baby I so desperately want and need to hold and love.
In time Joe and I will have another baby, not a baby to replace our sweet Elliott but another baby for us to love here on earth. My doctor has recommended that we wait at least six months to allow my body to heal from the pregnancy with Elliott and at first I felt as though six months was just too long. How can I possibly wait six months when I long so much for a baby NOW.
But we will wait, and we will be patient and we will try to heal physically, emotionally and mentally. But God, we need your help, your grace and your strength to get us through this time.
In the past few weeks I have three dreams that I was pregnant, the first of which I had triplets which I find rather amusing and a bit terrifying. The last dream I recall I delivered a healthy baby boy and as we were going to the hospital Joe and I realized that the date was April 5th, the day before Elliott's original due date. I've shared these dreams with only Joe until now and I'm praying they are signs from God of what's to come in our lives.
Perhaps the dream of the baby boy is due to my precious nephew Lucas' recent birth. I prayed so incredibly hard for God to bless my sister and her husband with a healthy baby. And I believe witnessing a healthy, successful birth has given me hope to someday share that experience with Joe as well.
God have given me the hope, God has given me the dreams and now I ask that he takes away my fears so that one day this can all be our reality.
"Even if I suffer for doing what is right, God will reward me for it. So I won't be afraid or worry"
1Peter 3:14.
"[God] Himself has said, He will not in any way fail me nor give me up no leave me without support. [He will] not, [He will] not in any degree leave me helpless nor forsake nor let [me] down (relax His hold on me)! [Assuredly not!] So I take comfort and am encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper, I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]."
Hebrews 13: 5-6
