I miss her

Saturday we went to the Ann Arbor Art Fair and on our bus ride into town was a little boy named Elliott...

I heard his dad call out his name as I sat down in my seat, my eyes immediately turned to Joe and we gave each other that familiar look... the look of yes I heard what you heard, the look of are you ok, yes I'm going to be ok, the look of I miss her too.

It was so nice to hear her, and his, name said out loud. I wanted to turn and see what this Elliott looked like but I didn't, I just thought of our Elliott. And I thought of her as we walked through the fair and as I looked at all of the other little girls. And I thought of her as I stared into a black and white photo of a girl dancing in the rain, just a silhoutte, unable to see the color of her eyes, or the color of her hair. Never hearing the sound of her voice or the way she laughs...

I miss her so much.

Sometimes, I just want to hold her again.

Sometimes, I just wish she was here.

This time last year

This time last year things were going so well for Joe and I. We were feeling more and more at home here in Michigan, happy with our jobs, invested in our church, spending time with new friends, and planning our July wedding ceremony with our family and friends back in Illinois. I really didn't think life could get any better, until July 28th when on a whim I took a pregnancy test and walla it turned out positive!

Seeing those two lines gave me goosebumps all over my body, I really couldn't believe it but there it was. We were pregnant and we were beyond happy and feeling so incredibly blessed. Sharing the news with our parents was the best part of all. We knew they would be thrilled for us, for themselves too and we knew they would give our little peanut all the love in the world.

This if a favorite picture of mine taken by our wedding photographer. I love it not because it shows my dress, but beyond the jewels, beyond the dress was our little peanut, there with us on that special day. Joe and I had a big secret we couldn't wait to share with everyone but we patiently waited until the time was right. I remember sitting at our wedding reception listening to the speeches and wanting to be next and announce to the entire room full of our family and friends that we were pregnant! Oh, how I wish I'd had.

For those of you who have followed this blog and know our story, you know what comes next. Our world came crashing down.

I've been struggling alot these past few weeks and have privately (and publicly) been sharing my struggles. But I've also been waiting for them to pass. Grief is like a cycle, for me at least. For days at a time, or even moments through out a day I experience so many varied emotions, sadness, denial, guilt, depression, fear but gradually those turn to a certain kind of acceptance, peace and happiness.

But, lately those darker emotions have been hanging around a little more. At first I thought, well feared, I was moving backwards with this entire "healing thing" and felt so discouraged and almost angry with myself. I've worked so hard these past few months to find peace, to get stronger emotionally and mentally, to get into living again. I don't want to go backwards.

And then it hit me, it's July, the month we found out we were pregnant, the month we found out we were going to be parents and have a baby and a family of our own. We've already started to repeat some of the same things we did while we were pregnant with Elliott and wow, is that a surreal thing to experience. Because so many of those experiences last year were done with the expectation, the hope and the excitement, that the following year would be spent as a family of three doing it them together again.

All I can say is its hard now and life was so easy before all of this. Life was easy, life was fun, and life was taken for granted. So much has changed now, it's harder then I ever thought it would be and I have to really work at making it enjoyable again. But one thing is for sure, I do not take anything for granted anymore, even the small stuff even the routine stuff....and I'm being me. I don't care what others think, I don't care if what I'm doing goes against the grain, I'm being me, I'm being honest with myself and I'm not taking anything or anyone for granted. And I'm having more of a voice in this life God has given me. A voice of faith. I believe all of this is a gift from Elliott.

I think I've said this before, but every day is really a choice. God is the one who doesn't forget to wake me up in the morning, but then I choose to get out of bed, I choose how I spend my day, and I choose not to take it for granted. Some days are easier than others, and most days are still so very hard and to my family and friends it may not seem like I'm enjoying the day or that I'm not "ok". And on those days, I'm probably not "ok" but I'm trying. And most of all I am so thankful for your love, support, patience and understanding.

Every day is spent with Elliott in mind, I think about her every second of every day....

Initially, the tears want to fall and my heart breaks when I realize that what we're doing today was something we did last year with Elliott growing in my belly. But, I'm trying so hard to enjoy those memories too. Because after all, isn't that what we choose for her. We choose life when everything else screamed at us not to.

So with all of my heart and strength and many tears shed, I'm going to go in to this month of July and this year following, celebrating Elliott's life and the memories we shared with her. And thanking God for the time we had with her.

My Memorial Tattoo

I follow an online magazine called Still Standing, it's a beautiful magazine with contributors from around the world to inspire healing after the loss of a child, and those facing infertility. Many of the articles I have read have brought just that, healing. Whether in feeling less alone, or feeling safe to cry those tears I hold in most days, or even getting a smile or two out on a tough day, I'm a faithful follower. 

A few months ago the magazine did a tribute on memorial tattoos, and the pictures families shared were beautiful and I just kept thinking, what a wonderful way to honor your child. I also knew right away that that was what I wanted to do for Elliott.

On Friday, June 29th I got my first and praying to God my last tattoo. I knew I wanted to get her name on my foot and her foot prints. The tattoo artist Dale, asked me which was most important and I said it is her name. I felt so emotional when he asked me that question, because it truly is so important, her name. I also wanted those precious foot prints and he was able to get it all on my foot. He scaled her prints down significantly, but they are hers, her exact prints and pointing right to her mommy.

For sweet Elliott

Pretty sure I left grip marks on that table but it was all worth it.

My cousin Jill. She got her son's name, Liam, on her wrist, it looks beautiful as well.

Jill, thanks for going with me and giving me the courage to get my tattoo. You're a brave woman too and I love that we shared this experience together. I love you, I love Liam and I love my sweet Elliott.

A Gift from Elliott

Last night I was preparing dinner for Joe and I, chicken, potatoes, peppers and a delicious garlic yogurt dip to go with. I initially wanted to have Joe grill everything but in the late afternoon it had begun raining and we even had a few severe storm warnings. So I figured I would just throw it all in the oven and we'd have a nice dinner in no time. Well, as I was prepping everything Joe came in to the kitchen to ask what we were having. I told him my original idea for him to grill but that the weather had really ruined that idea. He perked up and said he'd grill anyway, besides what's a little rain.

But at that point the rain had really started coming down hard. I felt bad about the idea of him standing out in the rain but he persisted. So I continued to prep the food and he turned the gas to the grill on and even put on a hooded jacket to keep himself somewhat dry.

Well, within seconds of me handing him the plate of chicken to grill the rain stopped and the sun came out. We both laughed and were pleasantly surprised with the sunshine. Joe took off his jacket and I continued to hand him more items to place on the grill. I really couldn't believe the timing, it couldn't have worked out better. And then I thought, what a nice gift from Elliott. She must have thought I was crazy sending Joe out in the pouring rain so she stopped the rain and cleared the clouds and brought out the sunshine. Dinner was ready withing 30 minutes and right as Joe handed me the plate of grilled food the wind picked up and the rain began to fall again.

The 3rd is for Elliott

This is my favorite picture of Elliott. 

I think she looks like a little angel here.

I look forward to these monthly posts, sharing her pictures one by one. There is no rush to share them all, for these are all we have. I think of Elliott as each month passes but more so on the 3rd. I think of Elliott every day, and a even more on Fridays. I think of Elliott as ever hour and minute ticks away for it's still so hard to believe she is gone. And as 1 o'clock approaches I remember she was here, she was alive, and I remember - it was all so very worth it.