This time last year

This time last year things were going so well for Joe and I. We were feeling more and more at home here in Michigan, happy with our jobs, invested in our church, spending time with new friends, and planning our July wedding ceremony with our family and friends back in Illinois. I really didn't think life could get any better, until July 28th when on a whim I took a pregnancy test and walla it turned out positive!

Seeing those two lines gave me goosebumps all over my body, I really couldn't believe it but there it was. We were pregnant and we were beyond happy and feeling so incredibly blessed. Sharing the news with our parents was the best part of all. We knew they would be thrilled for us, for themselves too and we knew they would give our little peanut all the love in the world.

This if a favorite picture of mine taken by our wedding photographer. I love it not because it shows my dress, but beyond the jewels, beyond the dress was our little peanut, there with us on that special day. Joe and I had a big secret we couldn't wait to share with everyone but we patiently waited until the time was right. I remember sitting at our wedding reception listening to the speeches and wanting to be next and announce to the entire room full of our family and friends that we were pregnant! Oh, how I wish I'd had.

For those of you who have followed this blog and know our story, you know what comes next. Our world came crashing down.

I've been struggling alot these past few weeks and have privately (and publicly) been sharing my struggles. But I've also been waiting for them to pass. Grief is like a cycle, for me at least. For days at a time, or even moments through out a day I experience so many varied emotions, sadness, denial, guilt, depression, fear but gradually those turn to a certain kind of acceptance, peace and happiness.

But, lately those darker emotions have been hanging around a little more. At first I thought, well feared, I was moving backwards with this entire "healing thing" and felt so discouraged and almost angry with myself. I've worked so hard these past few months to find peace, to get stronger emotionally and mentally, to get into living again. I don't want to go backwards.

And then it hit me, it's July, the month we found out we were pregnant, the month we found out we were going to be parents and have a baby and a family of our own. We've already started to repeat some of the same things we did while we were pregnant with Elliott and wow, is that a surreal thing to experience. Because so many of those experiences last year were done with the expectation, the hope and the excitement, that the following year would be spent as a family of three doing it them together again.

All I can say is its hard now and life was so easy before all of this. Life was easy, life was fun, and life was taken for granted. So much has changed now, it's harder then I ever thought it would be and I have to really work at making it enjoyable again. But one thing is for sure, I do not take anything for granted anymore, even the small stuff even the routine stuff....and I'm being me. I don't care what others think, I don't care if what I'm doing goes against the grain, I'm being me, I'm being honest with myself and I'm not taking anything or anyone for granted. And I'm having more of a voice in this life God has given me. A voice of faith. I believe all of this is a gift from Elliott.

I think I've said this before, but every day is really a choice. God is the one who doesn't forget to wake me up in the morning, but then I choose to get out of bed, I choose how I spend my day, and I choose not to take it for granted. Some days are easier than others, and most days are still so very hard and to my family and friends it may not seem like I'm enjoying the day or that I'm not "ok". And on those days, I'm probably not "ok" but I'm trying. And most of all I am so thankful for your love, support, patience and understanding.

Every day is spent with Elliott in mind, I think about her every second of every day....

Initially, the tears want to fall and my heart breaks when I realize that what we're doing today was something we did last year with Elliott growing in my belly. But, I'm trying so hard to enjoy those memories too. Because after all, isn't that what we choose for her. We choose life when everything else screamed at us not to.

So with all of my heart and strength and many tears shed, I'm going to go in to this month of July and this year following, celebrating Elliott's life and the memories we shared with her. And thanking God for the time we had with her.