Yesterday we met with our OB and had an ultrasound.
The appointment with the OB was quick and easy. He listened for Elliott's heartbeat, 155 and pretty consistent to the last few months. This is good, showing that her heart is still going strong despite all of the other issues. Dr. N. joked that we definitely have a mover and kicker, he could pick up lots of sound from her moving around. And she is, we feel a lot of kicks - one gift we are trying to enjoy right now.
Next was an ultrasound with the nurse in the next building over. We had some questions already lined up for this appointment. We wanted the nurse to describe Elliott's physical appearance. We already know so much about about the many complications with her internal organs, brain and spine but we wanted to know how her body was developing. In October we were told that everything accept for her arms and legs were abnormal. We had been told that her little hands were abnormal, her profile was abnormal and even her head shape.
Well, God answered some of our prayers yesterday. Many babies with Elliott's conditions have clubbed feet and her's are fine. The nurse was beginning to describe that her hands were permanently clenched and the fingers formed one on top of the other, a few minutes later she relaxed her hand and we saw all five precious fingers. We had been told that her chin was abnormally small, but yesterday it measured normal and we watched as our baby girl swallowed, yawned and even stuck out her tongue. These things may seem so small, unimportant and trivial but to us they mean so much. We finally have something good, healthy and normal to think about with Elliott.
We know that she's safe and comfortable and in no pain. She can swallow the amniotic fluid which is so important and despite her kidneys being misshaped she can urinate. These things are important because they keep the amniotic fluid at a normal level and this keeps her comfortable. Too much or too little fluid is bad and causes even more complications.
Elliott has hydrocephalus (one of many complications), fluid on the brain, and while there is a very high risk of swelling - yesterday there was none and the measurements were good.
Our doctor is going to call on Friday to discuss more in depth her conditions. Friday will probably be another hard day as we know her conditions are so severe, but until then we are just going to think about her precious little hands and be happy for this moment.
I already have many questions lined up for Friday's call. We're still praying for Elliott and are so thankful for everyone else's prayers. I wanted to post the ultrasound pictures of her precious little hands but the scanner isn't working.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Holding her
Lately Elliott is snuggling up so intensely to the side of my stomach. I can feel her so well, place my hands where she is and just hold her. She did it again this morning and I held her for so long, I eventually fell back asleep. It was so peaceful.
Friday, December 16, 2011
So much love
This week has been full of ups and downs, good days and bad and days where I experience anger, sadness, fear, peace, comfort and happiness all at the same time - those are the day that I think I'm literally going crazy.
But this has been a week where I have felt so loved, by family and friends and complete strangers. My friend Sarah has been an angel to me, reaching out in so many different ways, listening to me, guiding me, crying with me and laughing with me. She recently gave me a locket with Elliott's name and some other very precious sayings engraved on it. I feel so honored to be Elliott's mom and wear this for her. Our families call, email, and send messages letting us know everyday how much they are thinking of us and praying for us. I spent this week with my sister and had so many moments with her laughing like we did when we were kids. I really needed that, thanks Abbie. None of this goes with out notice and appreciation. So thank you!
But there is also one other group of people who have/are helping in ways I didn't expect I would find. It's the mothers who have walked in my shoes before. These women start out as complete strangers to me at first, but after just one email or one phone call I feel like I know them so well. They are honest and honesty is not always easy to hear during this time, but it is what we need. They share their stories or heartache, of babies lost and never forgotten, and they prepare me for whats to come. One woman reached out to me just a few weeks after she lost her twin daughters - just two weeks - wow, what amazing strength she has to comfort me right now. I hope I can be strong like them, I pray for strength every day and for peace when we have to say goodbye.
I read this in my devotional a while back, it didn't apply then but it sure does now.
If I am in distress, it is in the interests of your comfort, which is effective as it nerves you to endure the same sufferings as I suffered myself. Hence my hope for you is well-founded, since I know that as you share the sufferings you share the comfort also. 2 Corinthians 1:6-7.
Are there not some in your circle to whom you naturally betake yourself in times of trail and sorrow? They always seem to speak the right words, to give the very counsel you are longing for; you do not realize, however, the cost which they had to pay ere they became so skillful in binding up the gaping wounds and drying tears. But if you were to investigate their past history you would find that they have suffered more than most. They have watched the slow untwisting of some silver cord on which the lamp of life hung. They have seen the golden bowl of joy dashed to their feet, and its contents spilt. They have stood by ebbing tides, and drooping grounds, and noon sunsets; but all this has been necessary to make them the nurses, the physicians, the priests of men. The boxes that come from foreign climes are clumsy enough; but they contain spices which scent the air with the fragrance of the Orient. So suffering is touch and hard to bear; but it hides beneath it discipline, education, possibilities, which not only leave us nobler, but perfect to help others. Do not fret, or set your teeth, or wait doggedly for the suffering to pass; but get out of it all you can, both for yourself and for your service to your generation, according to the will of God.
But this has been a week where I have felt so loved, by family and friends and complete strangers. My friend Sarah has been an angel to me, reaching out in so many different ways, listening to me, guiding me, crying with me and laughing with me. She recently gave me a locket with Elliott's name and some other very precious sayings engraved on it. I feel so honored to be Elliott's mom and wear this for her. Our families call, email, and send messages letting us know everyday how much they are thinking of us and praying for us. I spent this week with my sister and had so many moments with her laughing like we did when we were kids. I really needed that, thanks Abbie. None of this goes with out notice and appreciation. So thank you!
But there is also one other group of people who have/are helping in ways I didn't expect I would find. It's the mothers who have walked in my shoes before. These women start out as complete strangers to me at first, but after just one email or one phone call I feel like I know them so well. They are honest and honesty is not always easy to hear during this time, but it is what we need. They share their stories or heartache, of babies lost and never forgotten, and they prepare me for whats to come. One woman reached out to me just a few weeks after she lost her twin daughters - just two weeks - wow, what amazing strength she has to comfort me right now. I hope I can be strong like them, I pray for strength every day and for peace when we have to say goodbye.
I read this in my devotional a while back, it didn't apply then but it sure does now.
If I am in distress, it is in the interests of your comfort, which is effective as it nerves you to endure the same sufferings as I suffered myself. Hence my hope for you is well-founded, since I know that as you share the sufferings you share the comfort also. 2 Corinthians 1:6-7.
Are there not some in your circle to whom you naturally betake yourself in times of trail and sorrow? They always seem to speak the right words, to give the very counsel you are longing for; you do not realize, however, the cost which they had to pay ere they became so skillful in binding up the gaping wounds and drying tears. But if you were to investigate their past history you would find that they have suffered more than most. They have watched the slow untwisting of some silver cord on which the lamp of life hung. They have seen the golden bowl of joy dashed to their feet, and its contents spilt. They have stood by ebbing tides, and drooping grounds, and noon sunsets; but all this has been necessary to make them the nurses, the physicians, the priests of men. The boxes that come from foreign climes are clumsy enough; but they contain spices which scent the air with the fragrance of the Orient. So suffering is touch and hard to bear; but it hides beneath it discipline, education, possibilities, which not only leave us nobler, but perfect to help others. Do not fret, or set your teeth, or wait doggedly for the suffering to pass; but get out of it all you can, both for yourself and for your service to your generation, according to the will of God.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Today's devotional
I will give thee the treasures of darkness. Isaiah 45:3
In the famous lace shops of Brussels, there are certain rooms devoted to the spinning of the finest and most delicate patterns. These room are altogether darkened, save for a light from one very small window, which falls directly upon the pattern. There is only one spinner in the in the room, and he sits where the narrow stream of light falls upon the threads of his weaving. "Thus," we are told by the guide, "do we secure our choicest products. Lace is always more delicately and beautifully woven when the worker himself is in the dark and only his pattern is in the light."
May it not be the same with us in our weaving? Sometimes it is very dark. We cannot understand what we are doing. We do not see the web we are weaving. We are not able to discover any beauty, any possible good in our experience. Yet if we are faithful and fail not and faint not, we shall some day know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days when it was so dark.
If you are in the deep shadows because of some strange, mysterious providence, do not be afraid. Simply go on in faith and love, never doubting, God is watching, and He will bring good and beauty out of all your pain and tears.
J.R. Miller.
In the famous lace shops of Brussels, there are certain rooms devoted to the spinning of the finest and most delicate patterns. These room are altogether darkened, save for a light from one very small window, which falls directly upon the pattern. There is only one spinner in the in the room, and he sits where the narrow stream of light falls upon the threads of his weaving. "Thus," we are told by the guide, "do we secure our choicest products. Lace is always more delicately and beautifully woven when the worker himself is in the dark and only his pattern is in the light."
May it not be the same with us in our weaving? Sometimes it is very dark. We cannot understand what we are doing. We do not see the web we are weaving. We are not able to discover any beauty, any possible good in our experience. Yet if we are faithful and fail not and faint not, we shall some day know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days when it was so dark.
If you are in the deep shadows because of some strange, mysterious providence, do not be afraid. Simply go on in faith and love, never doubting, God is watching, and He will bring good and beauty out of all your pain and tears.
J.R. Miller.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Saturday with Joe
We had purchased our tickets months ago for a big night at our church called Glory of Christmas. An amazing production by the staff and volunteers of Northridge Church, an orchestra, singing, dancing, acting and "The Greatest Story Never Told", the story of Simon. This was the first time we have been back to Northridge since receiving the news about Ellliott. We both were excited to go, Northridge is so much more than just a church, its another home to us. We've met so many great friends there, joined bible studies, were baptized and I work a part-time job at the church daycare. -So why did I completely avoid a family I knew from a bible study back in October?? It was during intermission and I had to use the restroom, walking back down to our seats I recognized a couple I knew but put my head down as I walked past them. I'm showing so much these days and knew they would ask and congratulate me. Joe and I had talked so much about wanting to start a family during that bible study, so they would have been thrilled for us. I felt so guilty as I took my seat, I should have said hello. But I was having such a good day, it was emotional enough to see the little children in the play and I just didn't want to have to "fake it" or crush them with our bad news. I didn't want to cry today.
GOC ended around 3, leaving a few hours before dinner. We headed to IKEA to purchase a few bookshelves. Walking to checkout we passed through the kids section. Its such an intense feeling to be pregnant and walk past baby items, sometimes I acknowledge them, look at the cloths and touch the soft blankets and other times I completely zone out and just get through it. Joe joked around about how smart IKEA is to put this section before the checkout and we scanned around the room. I know this is so hard on him too, we should be buying baby items right now and decorating the nursery.
We headed to one of our favorite little towns for dinner. Walking through the downtown square we passed Christmas trees decorated for those who have passed away. Pictures of babies and toddlers caught my eye but I just couldn't stop to focus on them right now. In the car ride to Plymouth for dinner Joe and I laughed about inside jokes and were in good spirits and I wanted to keep things that way. Our waitress was sweet and asked me if I was expecting after I had ordered a virgin bloody mary. I touched my belly and smiled answering yes in April. We continued to tell her it was a girl and when she asked if we had chosen a name there was a slight pause. The last time a "stranger" asked us this it was the RN in the ER and we just said we were keeping it a secret. We really weren't but for some reason it was difficult to say her name out loud. Joe and I looked at each other and he said her name to the waitress. Elliott is her name and saying it out loud does really bring it all to life somehow. You'd think my big belly and the pregnancy aches and pains would too but there is something about saying her name out loud that it so different. Her name is Elliott and she is here, she is our daughter and I love her so very much. I don't care how tiny she may be, what she may look like - she's our beautiful baby girl.
I've been reading alot of books lately and one in particular is of another family's experience. This mother talks about all of the places they took their daughter while pregnant and talks about all of the things she said out loud to her. Its been hard for me to talk out loud to Elliott but I'm really going to try. I want her to know my voice. I do want people to ask about her too. Like at Thanksgiving, Joe's sister Leslie touched my belly. It caught me a little by surprise but I loved it and we both smiled. She asked about the baby and I told her it was a girl. It meant alot to me that she had asked about things. The other day my mom called to tell me she had bought Christmas tree ornaments for the grand babies and asked if she could get one for Elliott - yes, please. It made me so happy. My mom's been so supportive during this time, asking just about every day how are we doing, telling us she's thrilled we get to feel Elliott's kicks and telling us every time we hang up the phone she loves the three of us, me, Joe and Elliott. We love you too mom.
GOC ended around 3, leaving a few hours before dinner. We headed to IKEA to purchase a few bookshelves. Walking to checkout we passed through the kids section. Its such an intense feeling to be pregnant and walk past baby items, sometimes I acknowledge them, look at the cloths and touch the soft blankets and other times I completely zone out and just get through it. Joe joked around about how smart IKEA is to put this section before the checkout and we scanned around the room. I know this is so hard on him too, we should be buying baby items right now and decorating the nursery.
We headed to one of our favorite little towns for dinner. Walking through the downtown square we passed Christmas trees decorated for those who have passed away. Pictures of babies and toddlers caught my eye but I just couldn't stop to focus on them right now. In the car ride to Plymouth for dinner Joe and I laughed about inside jokes and were in good spirits and I wanted to keep things that way. Our waitress was sweet and asked me if I was expecting after I had ordered a virgin bloody mary. I touched my belly and smiled answering yes in April. We continued to tell her it was a girl and when she asked if we had chosen a name there was a slight pause. The last time a "stranger" asked us this it was the RN in the ER and we just said we were keeping it a secret. We really weren't but for some reason it was difficult to say her name out loud. Joe and I looked at each other and he said her name to the waitress. Elliott is her name and saying it out loud does really bring it all to life somehow. You'd think my big belly and the pregnancy aches and pains would too but there is something about saying her name out loud that it so different. Her name is Elliott and she is here, she is our daughter and I love her so very much. I don't care how tiny she may be, what she may look like - she's our beautiful baby girl.
I've been reading alot of books lately and one in particular is of another family's experience. This mother talks about all of the places they took their daughter while pregnant and talks about all of the things she said out loud to her. Its been hard for me to talk out loud to Elliott but I'm really going to try. I want her to know my voice. I do want people to ask about her too. Like at Thanksgiving, Joe's sister Leslie touched my belly. It caught me a little by surprise but I loved it and we both smiled. She asked about the baby and I told her it was a girl. It meant alot to me that she had asked about things. The other day my mom called to tell me she had bought Christmas tree ornaments for the grand babies and asked if she could get one for Elliott - yes, please. It made me so happy. My mom's been so supportive during this time, asking just about every day how are we doing, telling us she's thrilled we get to feel Elliott's kicks and telling us every time we hang up the phone she loves the three of us, me, Joe and Elliott. We love you too mom.
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