It's a long one, but worth the read

As we approach the "6 month" mark I've begun to feel as though all of my emotions have been magnified, my highs seem higher and my lows much lower.

Is this the depression stage of grief, is this postpartum, is this ptsd, is this mom guilt? These are the things running through my mind and I keep thinking, yes, all of these things are wrong with me and they are just now starting to show their ugly head, 6 months later. 6 months of very hard work down the drain, 6 months of getting out of bed to face the day, 6 months of finding joy in the big things again and 6 months of realizing how very very little the small "issues" in life matter, 6 months of loving my husband and spending quality time with him even with a very big part of "us" gone, 6 months of working so very hard to restore a relationship with God, a relationship based solely on faith and trust when in the pit of my stomach I want to hate Him, blame Him and not trust Him again for breaking my heart into a million pieces.

And then there's the 6 month mark, we waited the 6 months that our doctors told us to wait. 6 months to let my body heal or was it supposed to be 6 months to let our hearts heal??? I find myself obsessing over getting pregnant again, not so much about getting pregnant, but about not causing anything bad to happen again. There it is again, that guilt that hides in the pit of my stomach. Did I do something that caused all of those complications for Elliott? So here I am, taking all of the prenatals again and the 4mg of folic acids. I'm replacing household cleaners with organic items, I'm reading the ingredients of every food item I buy. I've already banned green tea from my diet, yes green tea which is known to cause neural tube defects....those are the words on her death certificate, neural tube defect. I remember asking my ob about that at one of my follow up appointments for the c-section and he simply and without any emotion said, yes that's what we put on there but she had many other problems too. As if I had forgotten?

So here we are, 6 months later. We will start trying again soon and all we can ask for now are your prayers. Prayers for calm hearts and calm minds because I know I'll be a nervous wreck, but most importantly prayers for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. We believe in our hearts that God will bless us with a healthy baby.

A few weeks ago I started another bible study, this one by Priscilla Shirer called Seed. It's a 6 (ironic) week study on the following; Forgotten, Enough, Control, Armor (last nights reading), Five and Glory. Well to say God has a funny sense of humor when it comes to timing is an understatement as each week I have been able to relate, connect and find healing in each reading.

Forgotten - yes we have felt forgotten by Him, He forgot to hear our prayers and our pleading, He forgot to heal our sweet Elliott, and He forgot to give us the joy of being parents. But, has he really forgotten about us? "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be firm (steadfast), immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord (always being superior, excelling, doing more than enough in the service of the Lord), knowing and being continually aware that your labor in the Lord is not futile (it is never wasted or to no purpose)" 1 Cor. 15:58. He hasn't forgotten us and in fact, knowing what the future holds should compel us to be that much more diligent in the present. We were diligent in fulfilling Gods will with Elliott.

Enough - I have never in my life felt so incredibly empty as I felt during the pregnancy and over the past 6 months. I may never agree or completely understand why we have to learn or be tested this way, but I have learned through loosing Elliott, through feeling empty, through wanting to give up, that only He is enough to deliver me through it. He is enough to help me face this grief, He is enough to give me strength when I am weak, He is enough to give me peace through the storm. "May grace (God's favor) and peace (which is perfect well-being, all necessary good, all spiritual prosperity, and freedom from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts) be multiplied to you in (the full, personal, precise, and correct) knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. For His divine power has bestowed upon us all things that (are requisite and suited) to life and godliness through the (full, personal) knowledge of Him Who called us by and to His own glory and excellence (virtue)". 2 Pet. 1:2-3.

Control - This one hit pretty close to home too. What are all the things I want to control? My job, my house, my health, my finances, my husband, my (insert anything here). I'm human right, and this is still a daily battle to accept but in reality nothing is in my control. I couldn't control the complications Elliott had, I couldn't control that there was nothing the doctors could do for her, I couldn't even control when we had her. I tried to buy more time with her, but it was all in God's control, His timing and His plan. I can't control how long it may take us to get pregnant again and I can't control what the doctors tell us during that first ultrasound and I can't control what our future brings, but He can. "Then He said to them, 'My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me' And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will but as You will.'" Matt. 26: 38-39.

Armor - Yesterday was a tough day at work. It's hard to concentrate some days and the mistakes I make multiply and the doubt is doubled.  Am I capable of doing this job? Did I go back to work too soon? What if my co-workers knew what I'm going through, would they be more patient and understanding with me? On the drive home I cried again, tears because I miss Elliott, tears because life is really hard sometimes, tears because I want so badly to be pregnant again, to have a healthy baby and to be able to give all of the mommy love I have to another baby, and tears because I'd give anything not be at work right now but to be home with my Elliott. I slow down as I get closer to home and dry my eyes, let the redness clear because even though I know Joe would be right there to hug me, console me and be strong for me, I just don't want to ask this of him again today. He's been my rock and I am so grateful to him. But I know he needs a break too, I'm already a sensitive and emotional person by nature and since Elliott everything has been magnified and I'm sure it takes it's toll on Joe. God blessed me with a good, strong, selfless and supportive husband, this I do know and do not take for granted.

I didn't want to go to my bible study last night either, I just wanted to feel sorry for myself, give in to the depression and sit on the couch and be numb to my situation. But I managed to gather up the strength and will power and I went to bible study...

This is the verse we recited at the beginning of the evening;
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Eph. 6: 10-18.

Through tear filled eyes I recited that verse with a room full of women and I thanked God for pouring those words into my soul at the right exact moment. The armor of God will protect me from satan. His belt of truth will protect me from the lies satan feeds me, lies that I'm incapable of doing my job at work, lies that I'm weak and unworthy of a family of my own. His breastplate of righteousness will protect my heart from becoming bitter, angry and void of love and happiness. And the shield of faith, which seems to be where I'm tested the most, will protect me from believing that God has truly forgotten about Joe and I. With the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit I will come to know Him more day by day.

I believe satan sees how far I've come and how strong my faith is now and he's trying to take make me weak. I think he sees how much love and respect Joe and I have for each other and he's trying to break that down, I think he sees our hope and he's trying to shatter it, but I won't let him ruin all of these things for me, and for Joe.

With the armor of God I will be strong and I will give Him all of the glory.