Changing Seasons

Just as the seasons are changing, I feel as though our season of life is changing too.

This past week I had an early morning appointment with a new obgyn, no I am not pregnant yet, but as I was driving to work after the appointment I noticed for the first time that the leaves are beginning to change. There was far less traffic on the road and so my mind wandered as I thought about how quickly time goes by, how fast seasons change and where we were just 7 short months ago.

This has been a very hard, very sad and very life changing season for Joe and I. I in no way want to rush through the grieving, or move forward to quickly after loosing Elliott and the thought of an exciting healthy pregnancy erasing the memory of our sweet Elliott brings a knot the size of a melon to my throat.

But seasons change and time moves forward and thankfully God's grace and mercy has carried us along the way.

The appointment with our new doctor went very well.  I prayed for weeks leading up to the doctor's appointment that we would meet a doctor who would be sensitive, compassionate, understanding and supportive. Thank you God for answering my prayer.

Our new doctor spent a very long time with me as I shared about Elliott, the pregnancy, the complications, my fears and anxieties about moving forward and getting pregnant again and much more. He showed empathy and professionalism and said without a doubt that he too believes we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby. He reassured us that we could call or email him anytime regarding any concerns or questions. He said he would support us and anything we needed. I feel so comfortable with him and I am so happy that this is one less thing to worry about as my mind is already filled with so many other fears and worries.


I have this horrible fear of flying. I never used to be afraid to fly, but over the years my fear has gotten worse and even after one successful flight after another I'm still terrified to fly. But, I do it. And of all things; Joe and I flew to Las Vegas to get married! -shows how much I really love him huh :).

Anyway, in June we flew to Riviera Maya, Mexico for Joe's cousin's wedding. My anxiety leading up to the flight was overwhelming and I was even beginning to wonder if I would even get on the darn plane. I had packed my Dramamine and said my prayers but just as we were about to walk out the door I grabbed a book my friend Lynne gave me months ago called, The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word by Joyce Meyer (my mom loves Joyce Meyer by the way) and I turned to the section on anxiety and worry. And this is what I read and memorized;

"I am strong, courageous, and firm; I fear not and am not in terror, for it is the Lord my God Who goes with me; He will not fail me or forsake me.'" - Deuteronomy 31:6.

I said this verse over and over on the flights to and from. And I've kept saying it since. I say it over and over when I feel scared about getting pregnant. I say it over and over when the weight of Elliott's death paralyzes me and keeps me from wanting to leave the house. I say it over and over when I step foot on the hospital floor at work and those memories of Elliott's last breath flood my mind. I say it and I believe it!

These words give me strength, God gives me strength. Thank you Lord for being strong when I am weak.

I recently started another bible study and it just so happens to be in the book of Deuteronomy (coincidence?) called the Law of Love, Lessons from the pages of Deuteronomy. Another Beth Moore series.

Last week Beth shared all about God 's love for us and she spoke in depth about the love of a parent towards a child. My eyes full of tears, I sat and listened knowing full well what that love means and praying with all of my heart that it will be God's will for us to have and love a healthy child here on earth.

I feel as though I've grown so much since the beginning of the pregnancy with Elliott. I feel stronger, more secure in who I am, more committed to my faith and growing relationship with the Lord

and I feel ready for this new season in life.

A small opportunity to give back

As we began to share the news of sweet Elliott's complications and prognosis our family and friends and even strangers who heard our story wrapped their arms around us and carried us through some of the most difficult, dark, scary and sad days of our lives.

At the hospital we delivered Elliott at, nurses who took a little extra time to be compassionate with us, touched our hearts forever. One even shared her own story of loss and we were reminded that we are not alone in this.

As we left the hospital with empty arms and shattered hearts, wishing so desperately that this was a nightmare we would soon wake up from, Joe and I knew we needed to love, respect and comfort each other more than we ever had before.

Love, compassion, empathy, respect and grace. I have never witnessed these acts more than I have in last year of my life. So many people have touched our hearts and have left me wanting to give back and help others too.

An opportunity came up recently at the hospital that I work at allowing me to be on the floors assisting patients as a dietetic technician. Without getting into too much detail, I see around 80 patients a day, assisting them with their meal selections and making sure they stay in compliance with their diet order and receive the adequate nutrition they need.

Years ago I would never have thought I would be working in healthcare. The thought of working in a hospital I found to be a bit frightening. But so much has changed since then, I have changed. When the opportunity at work came up I jumped for it immediately. I really didn't question it, I just knew I wanted to do it. I wanted to help these patients. I really felt as though it was less of me pushing myself to try something new and more of being called to do this. I really believe that God has placed this opportunity in my life at this exact moment for a reason. That this is not for me to be prideful about, but it is an opportunity to show His love and compassion through my words and actions.

My first day on the floor began with a variety of emotions. I was incredibly nervous but excited at the same time. I was training with another diet tech so I wasn't on my own just yet. As we headed out of our office and on to the floors I felt those butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter....what am I doing I thought.

We turned the corner and entered a patient's room, it was a female patient and immediately I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I just kept picturing myself in that bed, in that gown, the smells, the sights, the noises everything was coming back to me of those horrible days in the hospital without Elliott. I felt myself inching back towards the doorway. Where is the closest exit?/?I just want to go home and cry. I felt the tears fill in my eyes and I batted them away. I looked at the patient in the bed and some how was able to think about her, just her. I'm here to help her today. That's why I'm doing this.

As we went from room to room, my heart felt heavier and heavier. So many of these patients are so very sick and some of them so very sad. And I felt sad too.

Thursday was an incredibly emotional day for me and there were many times throughout the day that I just wanted to say to the woman I was training with, I'm sorry but I just don't think I can do this.....

But God was telling me, oh yes you can. And with His help I made it through the day and as Friday morning came, I woke up bright an early and headed back to work to do it all over again. I took the elevator to the 5th floor and headed to my office. But as I walked down the hallway I recognized a woman leaving and then I recognized her husband, who I had just helped the day before. I couldn't believe he was up and walking and being discharged. I instantly felt my spirit being lifted and I felt a new excitement about the day.

I was less nervous and not as sad, but as always had Elliott on my mind. As we entered the patient's rooms, many of the same patients we saw the day before I observed how much better they looked and acted. They were feeling better, their spirits were up, they were more willing to work with me, some of them said thank you and some even smiled back at me and many of them told me they were going home that same day.

And I thought, this is how it's supposed to be. People are supposed to get better and be happy and go home to their families and their lives again. And I want to help them do that. And even if what I'm doing is such a small part of helping them feel better and get well. Even if all I can do is offer them a smile and let them know that just because their family may have left for the night, they are not alone in this building and we are here to help them. Even if all I can do is show them compassion by spending just an extra minute or two in their room to hear them share a story or voice a concern or even a complaint, they just want someone to listen.

We didn't get to leave the hospital happy, we left devastated and with a huge part of us gone. But many of these patients will get to leave happy and well and I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to help them do that, even if it's just in the smallest way.

So thank you to everyone who touched my life and showed me love and compassion.

And to my sweet Elliott, without you, I would not be who I am today. All that I do is in honor of you.

The 3rd is for Elliott

Sweet Elliott, we found out we were pregnant with you two days before our second wedding ceremony with our family and friends. We had so much joy in our hearts during that time.

And we never stopped loving you