A small opportunity to give back

As we began to share the news of sweet Elliott's complications and prognosis our family and friends and even strangers who heard our story wrapped their arms around us and carried us through some of the most difficult, dark, scary and sad days of our lives.

At the hospital we delivered Elliott at, nurses who took a little extra time to be compassionate with us, touched our hearts forever. One even shared her own story of loss and we were reminded that we are not alone in this.

As we left the hospital with empty arms and shattered hearts, wishing so desperately that this was a nightmare we would soon wake up from, Joe and I knew we needed to love, respect and comfort each other more than we ever had before.

Love, compassion, empathy, respect and grace. I have never witnessed these acts more than I have in last year of my life. So many people have touched our hearts and have left me wanting to give back and help others too.

An opportunity came up recently at the hospital that I work at allowing me to be on the floors assisting patients as a dietetic technician. Without getting into too much detail, I see around 80 patients a day, assisting them with their meal selections and making sure they stay in compliance with their diet order and receive the adequate nutrition they need.

Years ago I would never have thought I would be working in healthcare. The thought of working in a hospital I found to be a bit frightening. But so much has changed since then, I have changed. When the opportunity at work came up I jumped for it immediately. I really didn't question it, I just knew I wanted to do it. I wanted to help these patients. I really felt as though it was less of me pushing myself to try something new and more of being called to do this. I really believe that God has placed this opportunity in my life at this exact moment for a reason. That this is not for me to be prideful about, but it is an opportunity to show His love and compassion through my words and actions.

My first day on the floor began with a variety of emotions. I was incredibly nervous but excited at the same time. I was training with another diet tech so I wasn't on my own just yet. As we headed out of our office and on to the floors I felt those butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter....what am I doing I thought.

We turned the corner and entered a patient's room, it was a female patient and immediately I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I just kept picturing myself in that bed, in that gown, the smells, the sights, the noises everything was coming back to me of those horrible days in the hospital without Elliott. I felt myself inching back towards the doorway. Where is the closest exit?/?I just want to go home and cry. I felt the tears fill in my eyes and I batted them away. I looked at the patient in the bed and some how was able to think about her, just her. I'm here to help her today. That's why I'm doing this.

As we went from room to room, my heart felt heavier and heavier. So many of these patients are so very sick and some of them so very sad. And I felt sad too.

Thursday was an incredibly emotional day for me and there were many times throughout the day that I just wanted to say to the woman I was training with, I'm sorry but I just don't think I can do this.....

But God was telling me, oh yes you can. And with His help I made it through the day and as Friday morning came, I woke up bright an early and headed back to work to do it all over again. I took the elevator to the 5th floor and headed to my office. But as I walked down the hallway I recognized a woman leaving and then I recognized her husband, who I had just helped the day before. I couldn't believe he was up and walking and being discharged. I instantly felt my spirit being lifted and I felt a new excitement about the day.

I was less nervous and not as sad, but as always had Elliott on my mind. As we entered the patient's rooms, many of the same patients we saw the day before I observed how much better they looked and acted. They were feeling better, their spirits were up, they were more willing to work with me, some of them said thank you and some even smiled back at me and many of them told me they were going home that same day.

And I thought, this is how it's supposed to be. People are supposed to get better and be happy and go home to their families and their lives again. And I want to help them do that. And even if what I'm doing is such a small part of helping them feel better and get well. Even if all I can do is offer them a smile and let them know that just because their family may have left for the night, they are not alone in this building and we are here to help them. Even if all I can do is show them compassion by spending just an extra minute or two in their room to hear them share a story or voice a concern or even a complaint, they just want someone to listen.

We didn't get to leave the hospital happy, we left devastated and with a huge part of us gone. But many of these patients will get to leave happy and well and I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to help them do that, even if it's just in the smallest way.

So thank you to everyone who touched my life and showed me love and compassion.

And to my sweet Elliott, without you, I would not be who I am today. All that I do is in honor of you.