Thankfulness

The days leading up to Thanksgiving were emotional just as to be expected. During the seven hour drive home to visit family and friends we were reminded of her absence by the silence in the car. No giggling baby playing in her car seat, no fussy tears from a little girl tired of being buckled up for hours upon hours. No silly kids songs playing on the radio to pass the time. Our bags are packed with familiar items, our clothes, not hers. Books, phones and computers to steal away the silence and distract us from the void.

We stopped at McDonalds for lunch half way home and at the table next to us sat a mom and dad with their three girls. Three! I found myself thinking, why did they get three? Isn't that horrible. I hate those moments, of bitterness, jealousy, frustration. Another family enters in, two more little girls run in to the bathroom. My eyes can only focus on the chicken salad in front of me that I no longer have any appetite to eat. I miss Elliott so much.

Joe looks up and says,..."I feel like there are a million little girls in this place". That's what the weight of her being gone is like. Two, three become hundreds, almost suffocating.

It's only after being back in the cold, back in our car, just the two of us, some thirty miles away from that McDonalds that I feel like I can breath again. And I thank God for those little girls, those blessing to their parents. And I thank God for Elliott.

Is it wrong for me to just want her here with us. To dress her in her First Thanksgiving shirt, let her lick a bit of chocolate from the cake I made, snuggle her in our arms late at night as we sit with the rest of our family.

At one point during our drive home, I said to Joe, lets just turn around and go back home.

I'm so glad we didn't. I'm glad we traveled home to my parents. I'm grateful for the time I spent cooking in the kitchen with my mom and talking. I'm glad she was there to give me a hug after I cried because the pot of sugar boiling on the stove boiled over - twice. She knew the true reason for the tears.

I'm grateful for my family this Thanksgiving day, for my cousin Steph for hosting, her daughter Vanessa for saying grace and my nephew Jensen for filling my empty arms for a few hours during the day. I'm thankful for my cousin Jill who lets me know she's thinking of us in one way or another just about every week.

I'm thankful for Joe's mom showing me the Sock Kitty she bought for Elliott and is now kept as a reminder of her.

I'm thankful for my husband for being by my side each and every day.

We're blessed beyond measure with amazing friends and family. I would list you all out name by name if I could and all that you've done for us.

And I'm thankful for Elliott. I'm thankful for the time we had with her and the memories we have of her.

The gooey chocolate pumpkin spice cake I made.
Tastes better than it looks but wanted to show what took way to long to make.

Jensen opening his birthday gift from us.
I can't believe this big guy is 1 already.

My parents planted a Crimson Maple tree for Elliott in their front yard.
It will  have purple leaves. 

From my devotional Saturday morning;
Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction: You give Me thanks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is a spiritual act of obedience - at times, blind obedience. To people who don't know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties may remain.
Thankfulness opens your heart to My Presence and your mind to My thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see from My perspective. It is the Light of My Presence that removes the sting of adversity. 
Ephesians 5:20; Psalm 118:1; Psalm 89:15.

Elliott's Story

Last month Joe and I were asked to speak at a fundraiser for Perinatal Hospice of Washtenaw County. Janet Holtz, Director of Perintal Hospice helped us immensely throughout the pregnancy and during Elliott's birth. Her services are unique and of great importance to families experiencing a pregnancy with a terminal prognosis.

Joe and I with Janet Holtz

A few of our favorite pictures of Elliott

Memory boxes and information on Perinatal Hospice

Names of the babies Janet has helped over the years

The fundraiser was held at Christ the King Parish in Ann Arbor Michigan and included an evening of music by renowned composer and musician Eric Genuis and his Violinist, Alena Merimee, Cellist Sophie Webber and Soprano Holly Sedillos. His music is absolutely beautiful and more information about him can be found here. 

Joe and I with Eric Genuis

After listening to our video for the first time, I realized we left out one of the most important points, that Elliott was a gift from God, a true blessing and we are so thankful for her. Only God truly knows how long, or short, our lives will be. And as I've said before, life is not defined by days, months or years, it is fined by love. So love God with all of your heart, mind and soul. Love your family, love them with all of your heart, forgive them for their ways, their mistakes, those hurtful words they can't take back. Life is too short not too. Love your friends and don't hesitate to make new ones. You never know, they may just be the very ones that carry you through the darkest days of your life. Love your husband or wife to the fullest. Joe was my rock, my strength from the very day we knew of Elliott's prognosis. He was strong when I couldn't be. He held me every day that I cried and held back his own tears. He went to work every day and faced the impossible with grace while I stayed at home, hid from the world and sought safety in the comfort of these four walls. Joe handled the hardest details, the planning of Elliott's funeral, holding his first born and pouring all the love a daddy could offer in just one short hour, and handing her fragile body over to the funeral staff so I didn't have to. In the days following he made sure everyone else was ok before he even began to think about what he needed. Joe is an amazing husband and father.

A view of the beautiful church

This opportunity was truly a blessing and we are so thankful to Janet for asking us to speak. My parents were able to make the trip to Michigan from Illinois to be with us. They graciously agreed to video tape our speech and as you will find in watching our video it was an emotional evening for everyone. We decided not to edit the video but to give it to you raw, just as we spoke that night, with raw emotions and truth. Please forgive the shaky video.

 

The 3rd is for Elliott

In this month of Thanksgiving we share how thankful we are for our sweet Elliott. She has changed our lives and touched our hearts in ways we never thought possible. She is forever our daughter and we her parents and one day we will get to spend eternity with this precious little angel. 

We are so thankful.

We made it through another one

We made it through Halloween. I dreaded the days and even hours leading up to seeing the cute little kids in their costumes smiling and eagerly waiting for their bags to be filled with candy. This year I purposely stayed in the background, behind my husband and friends, behind the bonfire that shielded me from seeing the smiles on their faces, the cute pinks and purples of the little girls' dresses. The cold helped numb the pain and before I knew it, it was over. Maybe it was the weather, the cold or spitting rain that kept them away but the trick-or-treaters were few this year and I will admit I was happy about that.

How did we do this last year? I sat around the same bonfire with our friends and passed out the candy, I smiled into the eyes of the little ones and even said how cute they were. Was I incomplete denial? Was I in survival mode? Or was I just carrying out the motions, or was God carrying me through that moment showering us with joy in the midst of our storm - I think he was and so I choose to look back on last year's Halloween with Elliott as a happy memory.

This year was definitely different, but thank you Lord for our friends, they've become like our second family here and they bring so much joy to our hearts. I'm glad we did go to be with them.

I barely remember Easter this year. What I do remember is telling Joe we can't spend Easter with my family because it will be too hard to see all of the little kids. I hated those words coming out of my mouth. I love my family and I love all of the babies. But I just couldn't bring myself to go home. So this year we spent Easter with Joe's family, his mom, step-dad and sister. We had a nice time, and who better to be with than Joe's family when not with mine. Upon walking into Joe's sister's apartment I saw several pictures of Elliott and I wanted to cry so bad. Not because I was sad at that moment but because it meant so much to me that Leslie was proud of her niece Elliott and put those pictures out. I held the tears back because I wanted to be "strong" but Les - thank you! 

I hate that our loss has distanced me from some of the people I love most. There are so many days when I want to call or return an email right away but I just struggle with the words or strength to be happy for you in those moments, but please know I still love you just the same. Please give me grace and know that in time I will be a good friend again.

It's a constant prayer of mine that the sadness, jealousy and bitterness continues to fade and stays away.

Last year we spent Thanksgiving with Joe's family and Christmas with mine. This year the holidays will be flipped. Last year I put out all of the decorations and we took pictures in front of the tree showing off my growing belly. I guess we were trying to find some normalcy during such a difficult time. And it was while we were packing up the Christmas tree last year that we choose the name Faith as Elliott's middle name.

And I'm holding on to that faith each and every day like it's the last twig on the tree ready to snap in half and let me fall down, down, down.

This year, I can't even bring myself to go into the closet that holds our ornaments. 

I've been told it gets easier with time, that you get better at living life in spite of the pain. Some days it's so hard to believe that, but those words have come from mommy's just like me.