We made it through another one

We made it through Halloween. I dreaded the days and even hours leading up to seeing the cute little kids in their costumes smiling and eagerly waiting for their bags to be filled with candy. This year I purposely stayed in the background, behind my husband and friends, behind the bonfire that shielded me from seeing the smiles on their faces, the cute pinks and purples of the little girls' dresses. The cold helped numb the pain and before I knew it, it was over. Maybe it was the weather, the cold or spitting rain that kept them away but the trick-or-treaters were few this year and I will admit I was happy about that.

How did we do this last year? I sat around the same bonfire with our friends and passed out the candy, I smiled into the eyes of the little ones and even said how cute they were. Was I incomplete denial? Was I in survival mode? Or was I just carrying out the motions, or was God carrying me through that moment showering us with joy in the midst of our storm - I think he was and so I choose to look back on last year's Halloween with Elliott as a happy memory.

This year was definitely different, but thank you Lord for our friends, they've become like our second family here and they bring so much joy to our hearts. I'm glad we did go to be with them.

I barely remember Easter this year. What I do remember is telling Joe we can't spend Easter with my family because it will be too hard to see all of the little kids. I hated those words coming out of my mouth. I love my family and I love all of the babies. But I just couldn't bring myself to go home. So this year we spent Easter with Joe's family, his mom, step-dad and sister. We had a nice time, and who better to be with than Joe's family when not with mine. Upon walking into Joe's sister's apartment I saw several pictures of Elliott and I wanted to cry so bad. Not because I was sad at that moment but because it meant so much to me that Leslie was proud of her niece Elliott and put those pictures out. I held the tears back because I wanted to be "strong" but Les - thank you! 

I hate that our loss has distanced me from some of the people I love most. There are so many days when I want to call or return an email right away but I just struggle with the words or strength to be happy for you in those moments, but please know I still love you just the same. Please give me grace and know that in time I will be a good friend again.

It's a constant prayer of mine that the sadness, jealousy and bitterness continues to fade and stays away.

Last year we spent Thanksgiving with Joe's family and Christmas with mine. This year the holidays will be flipped. Last year I put out all of the decorations and we took pictures in front of the tree showing off my growing belly. I guess we were trying to find some normalcy during such a difficult time. And it was while we were packing up the Christmas tree last year that we choose the name Faith as Elliott's middle name.

And I'm holding on to that faith each and every day like it's the last twig on the tree ready to snap in half and let me fall down, down, down.

This year, I can't even bring myself to go into the closet that holds our ornaments. 

I've been told it gets easier with time, that you get better at living life in spite of the pain. Some days it's so hard to believe that, but those words have come from mommy's just like me.