Helping you, help us.

"They say, when you lose a parent you lose your past, when you lose a spouse you lose your present and when you lose a child, you lose your future..."

Oh how very true that is.

Now that we're just a few weeks from what would have been Elliott's first birthday, I wanted to write a post to our family and friends and express to you something we really need....as a part of our future.

There have been several times through out this past year when I've said to Joe, or to my mom, that I just wish people would talk about Elliott more. And each time, I hear back, "do you think that maybe they just don't know what to say."

I get it that, I really do. I've been there before. Standing before a family who has just lost a baby, not knowing what to say, afraid I'll say the wrong thing, afraid I'll hurt them even more.

So what do you say?

You say exactly what's on the tip of your tongue but can't seem to make its way out of your mouth for fear you'll make us cry, or it may be the wrong thing - trust me, if we cry, those are healing tears that were on their way out eventually and now you've just helped us heal a tiny bit more. And if it is the wrong thing to say, we'll recognize that you are our family and friends it was by pure accident and we'll see the best in your love and sympathy for us. It may take us awhile to process that wrong thing you've accidentally said, but one day as were doing something mundane around the house or lying in bed, another sleepless night that wrong thing will find it's way into our thoughts and we'll think about all of the right things you've said and good things you've done for us and we'll let it go and know your intentions were good.

So what do you say, one year later....or  five, ten, twenty years later?

You can tell us you thought about us today.

You can tell us you thought about Elliott today.

You can ask us how we're doing and you let us talk. We may not have much to say that day or perhaps we will.  I still love it when Joe comes home and says to me, "I got to talk about Elliott today." Even if it is a brief conversation of telling someone, yes we had a daughter named Elliott. Those few moments of saying her name out loud, or telling when we had her or even what happened to her, help keep her memory alive and it feels so good to share that.

Don't be afraid to ask us questions like, what did she look like or how much did she weigh. Those questions bring some normalcy to our lives. Yes she died and it's been a difficult process for us, but we'd love to share the common things about her too. Like, she looked just like Joe. All of the nurses told us that. She had alot of hair and long beautiful fingers and she weighed 2 pounds 11 ounces.

You can acknowledge her by include her name on cards to us. She will always be a part of our family and her name will always be included on our cards to you.

You can celebrate her birthday with us, even if just in spirit.

You can allow us time, just as you have to mourn her and celebrate what a blessing she was and will always be in our life.

We do realize that even still some people may just be "uncomfortable" with processing the death of a baby and even more talking to the parents who have lost that child. We'll respect that, but we may not be there for you like you'd like us to. And we ask that you respect that.

But so many more of you have allowed us to share about her and have supported us in so many ways I can't even list them all out. THANK YOU!

Over Christmas we received many lovely Christmas cards, and a dear friend of mine wrote on hers to us, The Jensen Family. Perhaps that was her way of including Elliott or not, but as I read those words, Jensen Family, my heart was touched as I thought of Elliott and how she will always be a part of our family.

One last note - please don't worry about saying the wrong thing to us - the absolute worst thing you can say to a family who has lost a baby, child, teenager - is to say nothing at all.

Here's to our future, to honoring and remembering Elliott and always celebrating what a true blessing she has been to us.