Goodbye to 2012

It is my prayer that this is the last goodbye we have to say for a very long time. Saying goodbye to 2012 was very bittersweet. I felt sad going into the new year's eve celebrations. I felt as though saying goodbye to 2012 was one more step in saying goodbye to Elliott. Even though she's gone and we've said so many goodbyes already and in just a little over one month we'll be celebrating her 1st birthday, this is all still so hard for me. Part of me feels that in grieving for Elliott I am loving her, that grieving for her is my role as her mother, because I didn't get to experience anything beyond that. I think I'm scared that if I stop grieving for her, stop talking about her, stop blogging about her, stop crying for her  - then everyone else will forget about her.

I must sound a bit crazy at this point. That's an awful lot of pressure to put on just one person, right. See I can psycho-therapy myself haha. At least at this point, I can laugh about things.

But in all seriousness, I didn't want this year to be over just yet. There's alot I'm holding on to about last year but I'm going to work very hard at holding on to the good memories of Elliott, the pregnancy, the special bond that I shared with her, seeing her for the first time, the amazing photographs we have that I will cherish forever and ever, all of the birthdays to come where we will celebrate Elliott's life, and to our future children who we will share about Elliott with.

We received many thoughtful Christmas gifts this year and several beautiful ornaments made in Elliott's memory. Thank you Leslie, Mom and Mrs. Kroll from Joe's work. One of my friends, Brooke, created a tree just for her beautiful daughter Charlotte who passed away this past year and I think I may have to copy Brooke's creative idea for Elliott's tree next year :).

One other gift we received really, truly touched my heart and that was a gift from my brother Chris, sister in law Molly and niece Ireland. Here are this pictures below;

Faith

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith
- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God
- Ephesians  2:8

Hope

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
- Jeremiah 29:11

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud...
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- Corinthians 13:4-8

As Joe and I unwrapped the gift, Molly explained why they chose each one for us. She said that Faith stood for our faith in the Lord during our difficult trial with Elliott and how our Faith shined through as we walked through a very difficult pregnancy and the loss of our daughter.

Hope stood for our hope in our future, our future family and in each other.

And, Love stood for the love we have for Elliott and each other.

Through tear soaked eyes I smiled at Molly and hugged and thanked her. Their gift meant so much to us and even more as she explained what each word meant for us. For her to see all of that through our trial was truly eye opening for me and inspiring to me. Faith, Hope and Love - that is what I want to remember about Elliott, about 2012 and Faith, Hope and Love is what I want to take into 2013 and many years to come.

In 2012, we said goodbye to our daughter Elliott and to the dreams and hopes that snowball in the minds of first time parents.

But we also said goodbye to many other things, to fear, anger, bitterness, jealousy and the deepest darkest sadness I pray to never experience again.

There is so much I want to say hello to in 2013 and I did make a new year's resolution. To give back in Elliott's name and let her memory live on through me. I want to give back to all who gave to us, in big ways and small, through the love and compassion that was shown to us last year.

So goodbye to 2012 and thank you God for all of the blessings that came out of a very difficult trial and loss in our lives. It's been a process but I am so thankful I can see those blessing now. And, I can't wait to frame these pictures and get them up in our home.