Healing

If someone would have told me that in four months after loosing my daughter I would be laughing again I would have told them that would be impossible. If someone would have told me that in four short months after loosing my daughter I would be starting a new job, taking a vacation with my husband, attending church, participating in a bible study, genuinely interested in the lives of my family and friends and simply living life again I would have told them I don't want to live life again, especially if Elliott can't be here too.


But here I am, doing all of those things and living life again and with more passion than I ever thought possible. Why, because my heart is healing. But not to be confused with healed. No, my heart will never be healed completely from the loss of Elliott, from months of living through an incredibly traumatic pregnancy and from the pain of having to say good bye to my first born.


But, my heart is healing and the healing has come from many different ways. It has come from the love and support of our family and friends and to all of you THANK YOU. The healing has come from an unspoken understanding and appreciation for the pain Joe and I have endured together and on our own. Our marriage is so much stronger now and our love and respect for each other continues to bring healing to my heart. The healing has come from four months of grief therapy with my doctor which ended successfully last week. But, the true healing has come from answered prayers and restored faith in my heavenly Father which I believe and know with all of my heart.  


I've prayed for God to take away the pain, the anger and the fear and he is answering my prayers. I've prayed for God to bring the peace, hope and love and he is answering my prayers.


Yes my faith has been tested, yes I've had my doubts, yes I've wanted to give up, yes I've been too hurt, sad and angry to pray but I know that if I hold on to that bitterness, rage, doubt and anger I will forfeit a relationship with Christ and all that he has for me.


A few weeks ago I finished a bible study with my friend Katie :). It was a Beth Moore study entitled James Mercy Triumphs. For eight weeks we studied the book of James and shared personal stories and prayers with many other lovely ladies. I wish I could share everything I learned in those eight weeks in this blog but I wouldn't be able to do it so eloquently as Beth Moore has, so instead I'm going to encourage anyone reading this to seek out a Beth Moore study, you will not regret it.


But I do want to share just a few things that impacted me most while I participated in this study. I was moved many weeks by how Beth Moore intelligently and gracefully spoke on the book of James. But I think it was during week two when she talked about Joy Whenever that I felt as though God was speaking directly to me. This day was spent reading and learning about Joy and Anguish, could any other two words more perfectly describe the pregnancy and birth of Elliott. I cried alot during this study but the tears just poured out of me this day. We studied this verse, "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:2-3. And Beth Moore even spoke briefly on the book I've mentioned many times, I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. If I were ever to get the opportunity to meet Angie I would thank her greatly for writing her book about her daughter Audrey. I was given Angie's book shortly after we were told of Elliott's prognosis and her complications of incompatible with life. Reading Angie's book gave me the strength to live, as hard as it was, each day to the fullest with Elliott and to love Elliott with all of my heart all the while knowing her time with us would be so incredibly short. 


I will admit, joy is not the first word that comes to mind in times of trials and this is a very hard lesson to live out, but I do believe joy is to be found and we did just that the moment Elliott was placed in Joe's hands. She was so incredibly beautiful and we were so full of joy to meet our daughter, even if it was just for a moment. 


I also do believe that the Lord only gives you what He already knows you can endure. 


"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,'" (Jer. 29:11.). 


"One of the hardest things our ears can ever hear is when the doctor says, "There is nothing we can do." Have you ever faced those words? 


YES, so very sadly yes.


Perhaps you'd agree that helplessness is its own form of demoralization. If we do not guard ourselves, we can inject a victim mentality right into the vein of our relationship with God. We can decide that we're mostly powerless down here on planet Earth and that God is going to do what God is going to do, no matter what. We can default into the mentality of pawns and puppets and resolve that our only real decision is whose victim we're going to be.


God could seem to become the lesser of two evils. The lesser oppressor, so to speak. We could reason that we're at least better off being God's victim than anyone else's. Better to spend oppression in Heaven than in hell. The repercussions of this kind of mentality are toxic and completely invasive in our lives. Nothing will remain untainted by it. 


Listen carefully to James and other inspired writers of Scripture; there is rarely nothing you can do. Being still and knowing He is God is a long shot from nothing. Trusting in a God you cannot see is a long shot from nothing. Holding your tongue is a long shot from nothing. Being patient is a long shot from nothing. Confessing sin is a long shot from nothing. Resting in Christ is a long shot from nothing, and hear this one really loudly; praying is along shot from nothing." Beth Moore 


I love how Beth Moore wrote the following; "But He gives greater grace." "Think of all that weighs on you; yesterday's regrets, today's demands, tomorrow's plans. Sink yourself in those five words until all your fears of failure, inadequacy, unforgiveness and insufficiency drown. Don't come  up for air until those fears lay lifeless and cold on the bottom of the sea. Let Jesus lighten your burden until you float to the top, youth renewed, heart restored. He is enough. When you need more, you will have more. When your woes are great, His grace is greater. When our sins are vast, His mercy is deep. We cannot exceed him, we cannot outrun him."


A woman I don't know very well but admire greatly for her faith in the Lord and can relate to immensely as we've both experienced loss once told me that "you just get better at living life inspite of the pain." Those words are so incredibly true. The pain will never be gone completely, we will never be healed completely but I do believe there is a unique and deeper healing found only through the Lord, which I am finding and getting better at living life again.