Meet Lucas

Memorial Day weekend brought lots of time on the road traveling to Illinois and Missouri to visit family. And after 6 long weeks of waiting, we finally met out new little nephew Lucas Eric McAdams.

I think Luke knew how excited we were to meet him, he showed us many wonderfully gummy smiles just like this one. And talk about a good baby, so calm, so happy, so easy to comfort and boy does he sleep alot. 

My sister Abbie is an amazing mommy :) and gave Joe and I alot of "extra" time with this little peanut. It felt amazing to hold Luke, I can't even find the words to describe how much I loved holding him in my arms. 

Joe spent alot of time with Luke too. Luke looks so comfy in this picture, don't you just love all of his hair! 

Luke, you brought so much joy to us this past weekend and I am looking forward to seeing you again soon and holding you in my arms, looking into those beautiful big brown eyes and having my heart melt at your big yummy smiles. You are the sweetest reminder of my sweet Elliott, every time I look at you I think of her and as my brother told me, every day that I think of Elliott is a good day, which is every day. 

If God loves me, why?

To get through Mother's day I had to treat it as if it was just another day, just another Sunday, just another day before the work week began and just another day without Elliott. I truly did not want to recognize the holiday and felt as though I went through the motions of my day completely numb. I kept very busy, hoping my mind would only focus on the tasks at hand rather than the loss in my heart. I even ironed every shirt I could find in my closet...just to keep busy.

But, the emotions I had suppressed had to come out sometime and they gradually crept out as the week continued. Monday morning as I walked into the hospital for work I felt as though I was going to break down. I normally take the 20 minute bus ride into work as my time to reflect on things, pray for the day and compose myself before I leave my personal life at the door and put on the "everything is perfect in my life" smile and happily do my job. But Monday was different, I struggled with gathering my thoughts and just kept thinking life isn't fair and I miss Elliott. I called Joe, because who else do I call when I'm about to break down and he did his best to console me. Unfortunately he had just arrived to work as well, had sat down at his desk ready to take on the day and wasn't exactly prepared to give a pep talk to his wife. I understood, after all I lean on him so much for everything else, I'm sure the guy needs a break every once in a while.

Monday blurred in to Tuesday and before I knew it I was right back at my desk ready to take on another day. Perhaps my nerves were getting the best of my emotions, I was covering for a woman who was out for her daughter's wedding and don't even get me started on the tears I cried knowing we will never get to share that day with our sweet Elliott. I typically don't work with the patients in my job but covering for this woman I had to briefly but I wasn't prepared to see so many little kids. These are kids who are very sick with diagnosis I chose not to share and of course each time I looked at them, I thought about Elliott. There's something I want to say right here right now but in doing so I am hesitant for fear I will offend or hurt anyone reading this. I've heard many times Elliott is in a better place, or better off and those words sting because why wouldn't she be perfectly fine here with any or all disabilities that may have come with her, and with Joe and I taking very good care of her. But after this week, I think my perspective on that has changed a bit and it's not at all because I think of children with disabilities as burdens. I love all children the same and truly believe everyone has a purpose here and their own unique gift to share with everyone in this world. The mothers and fathers to children with disabilities are amazing individuals of strength, character, love and inspiration.

But, as so many of us know this world can be incredibly cruel and people say and do hurtful, judgmental and down right evil things to others who are "different". Elliott was so very sick and if she would have lived I don't even want to think of all of the hardships she would have had, how many things she would have been limited to do. She wouldn't have been able to walk or talk, perhaps even see or hear and this world would have been so ugly to her. So as painful as it is to admit because I so selfishly want my sweet Elliott here with me...I do believe she is in a much better place.

Believing that is one thing, accepting that is a whole other story. Tuesday night unexpectedly brought more tears as I sat on my couch, computer on my lap and routinely skimmed facebook. Facebook is like a grieving mother's worst nightmare and best friend all nicely packaged together and easily accessible with the click of a mouse. On a good day when I'm feeling mentally and emotionally strong I enjoy reading about my friend's kids, I love looking at their pictures and smile while doing so. I even enjoy reading about a friend or family member's "facebook offical" announcement that they are expecting and I pray for all of the new mommy's out there. But on hard days, when I'm feeling sad facebook is pure hell and I ask myself why even bother to look, I already know how bad its going to hurt and how lonely and sad I will feel. And on those days, I just can't get past the why. Why Elliott? Why us? We would have loved her with all of our heart and brought nothing but love to her life. She would have been loved by not only by Joe and I but by our parents, our entire family and our friends. I find myself thinking about the people who abuse, neglect and do horrible things to their children, some people have kids and don't even want them and it just isn't fair that these things happen. I just don't understand it and I just want to know WHY?

Wednesday morning as I sat at my desk at work thinking, oh how I hope this day goes quicker than the day before and that I can keep myself together for just 8 more hours I clicked on my daily devotional and read the following;

If God loves me...why? by Renee Swope
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Soon after I surrendered my life to Christ, I started struggling with painful things from my past that made me doubt God's promises for my future. I wondered: If God loves me, why has He allowed so much pain in my life?

If He loved me, why did God allow my family to be broken by adultery and divorce, shattered by confusion and chaos, shaken by alcohol and drug addictions and so much more? And why didn't He stop me from the pain I brought on myself, or keep me from the darkness of depression?

One afternoon I found the courage to tell my friend Wanda about my doubts and questions. I was surprised she didn't give me a pat answer, but looked at me with understanding in her eyes and told me she was sorry. Then she shared her story, which included many disappointments and heartbreaks. Yet, I didn't sense doubt or pain in her words. Instead, I sensed confidence and hope.

Turning the pages of her Bible to Jeremiah 29, Wanda read today's key verse as a promise to me: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (v. 11)

She then told me God wanted to heal the pain of my past and use what I'd experienced to pave the way to His plans for my future. But I didn't want God to use my pain or my past. How would any of it do anything good for anyone, especially me?

Have you ever felt that way about your pain or your past? Have you ever asked: "If God loves me, then why...?"

These are the kind of questions that can linger in our hearts when we've been wounded and disappointed. And hurts that aren't healed can lead to bitterness and bondage.

Yet, in the security of a relationship with Jesus, God invites us to ask hard questions and look for answers that usher us into the depths of His redeeming love and healing power.

Can I whisper some hope into your heart today? If you are living and breathing, your purpose has not yet been fulfilled. No matter what you have done or what has been done to you, God does have a plan for your life.

So, how can you discover those plans? Let's read the premise that follows the promise in Jeremiah 29. After God declares He knows the plans He has for us, He says, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (v.12-13)

We find God's plans when we surrender ours to Him each day. It's a moment by moment process of coming to Him, talking to Him, believing He listens and letting Him love us into a place of hope and healing.

God's love is not a quick-fix for our wounds, but it has the power to redeem and restore us into confident hope. When we allow the Holy Spirit poured out like Living water to go deep into our pain, He can heal our hearts from the inside out.

As we process the pain of our yesterdays and live through the disappointments of our todays, doubts may still creep up, threatening to steal our hope. But each time that happens, we can stop and seek God in that place. We can ask Him to show us His purpose by revealing what is true about who we are and what we have been through to make us start doubting.

Then we can ask Him to help us re-define our future, not through the filter of our past and pain, but through the power of His life-giving truth. And do you know what happens when we do that moment by moment, day by day, doubt by doubt? God tells us in Jeremiah 29:14, "I will be found by you...and will bring you back from captivity."

We find Him again and again. We find the One who longs to lead us out of captivity to our doubts into a place of freedom and hope. I know this is true because I have walked it, wrestled with it, resisted it and finally surrendered to it.

God's love is not only unfailing, it redeems and restores. His Truth cuts to the core of our struggles, bringing purpose to our pain, redemption from our past and hope for our future!

Lord, heal my hurts and give me hope as I learn to trust the plans You have for me. I'm coming to You and seeking You with all my heart today. Please set me free from my doubts and lead me into a place of confident hope. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Encouragement For Today Devotionals 

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/encouragement/

I'm a mommy because of You

Dear sweet Elliott,

There are so many things I would love to share with you, teach you and give to you; but my sweet baby girl you are the one who has given the gifts to me. I am now a mommy because of you and I am so proud to be your mommy. My memories of you are so clear, I remember your kicks in my belly and the day it felt as though you did a complete summersalt. I remember all of the amazing things you did for us during the many ultrasounds we watched you through, like looking our way, opening your mouth, sticking your tongue out and opening your beautiful hands for us to see all of your tiny little fingers. I will never forget how beautiful you were the very instant I saw you in Joe's hands. And those moments we shared with you in our arms will forever be the most important moments of my life.

Elliott, you have given me the gift of unconditional love. I loved you while you were in my belly, but the love I have for you now is an unconditional love only a mother can have for her baby. You have given me the gift of strength. I was scared so many of the days while I carried you and in the very beginning I really didn't think I could do it, but I did and I am so much stronger because of you. My days now are so different than before, many of them so much harder than I realized they would be, but each day that I get through is one more day that I am stronger because of you, and one more day closer to seeing you again.

Elliott, you have given me the gift of grace and if I ever needed grace it's now.

Elliott, one day about a year ago I was giving my testimony during a small group session at church and I shared how I couldn't wait to teach my children about their King, Jesus Christ and guide them on their own walk with him. But you, my sweet baby girl are the one guiding me. I've drawn closer to Christ than I ever have been before and while my walk has been difficult, and I've questioned his ways especially after loosing you. I trust in him now more than ever to bring peace and healing to both Joe and I.

Elliott, I would give anything to have you here with us. I miss you so very much and I love you with all of my heart.

Love, mommy

To my mom, I love you!
I couldn't have made it through this with out you. You called me just about every day while I was pregnant, asked how I was, offered your support in so many ways and said what I needed to hear most, that you loved all three of us; Joe, me and Elliott. One of the biggest lessons I've learned from you is how to be selfless and give my all to Elliott and our future children. You've been a wonderful mom to me and Elliott is so proud of her grandma. Happy Mother's Day Mom, love you.

To Joe's mom, thank you for giving me an amazing man to love and to share my life with. I am so grateful for Joe, for you, and for the family I married in to. I know Elliott has brought us all closer together and she is so incredibly loved by you. Happy Mother's Day Chris, love Kim.

How I'm doing after three months

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4

It's hard to believe that Thursday marked the three month anniversary of Elliott's birth and death. Time is going by so quickly and the days just seem to run together anymore. I try not to think back on those first few days and weeks after Elliott passed away because to say they were difficult would be an understatement at the very least. To be honest, much of that time is a blur. Shock and denial consumed me, followed by pain and sadness. Thankfully Joe and I were surrounded by our family during those first few weeks and their presence in our home helped in many way, simply hearing their voices helped so much; the silence of an empty house would have been another reminder that Elliott was gone.

I've written in early posts that throughout the pregnancy I prayed for strength to get through each day but I also prayed prayed for strength to survive the days after Elliott. I feared losing her would break me, and to be honest it did, down to my core. But, I'm working very hard each and every day to pick up the pieces and put them back together again all the while knowing I will never be the same. I remember one night in particular after Elliott was gone, after our family had left and our house was quiet and it was only Joe and I. I think the shock had worn off and I was definitely at my lowest, feeling so incredibly empty. I won't share all of the details of that day but as I crawled in to bed that night I told God that it would be perfectly fine with me if I didn't wake up the next morning. I didn't want to hurt myself and I absolutely did not want to put my parents, my husband and my family and friends through another loss but I just wanted to drift away some how to be with Elliott again. That night I held her blanket close to my chest and I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning I laid in bed and thought very hard about how I had felt before I had fallen asleep and the words I had spoken to God. I looked at Joe sleeping in bed and I was flooded with emotions for him. And I thought to myself, he's grieving too, I'm not the only one who's hurt and broken and sad and grieving. And I believe it was at that moment I knew I needed to make a decision (one that I find myself having to "re-make" so many times) but a decision to survive this. Not really knowing then what that would entail and still working desperately each and every day to find my way through the grief, I believe I will make it. But I believe I can only get through this, through Christ. God is the one giving me strength each day and He is the one to bring healing.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." Psalm 71:20. 

Some days it's easier than others to "want" to get out of bed and do the normal things like shower, exercise, run errands, be social with my family and friends and invest in my marriage with Joe.

And then there are some days where I ask myself, how did I get here already and its this ok...

I started a new job a few weeks ago, and I honestly wanted to get back to work, wanted to be productive and wanted to have something to focus on' but at the same time I felt guilt and confusion. Guilt that maybe I was moving forward too soon and that I was not honoring Elliott somehow by going back to work so soon. And confusion for not know what I should feel and what I should allow myself to do, that was "for me". The Sunday night before I started my first day at work I slept with Elliott's blanket, again, but I held it extra close to my chest and I prayed that I was doing the right thing...

Joe and I have been blessed to have made alot of great friends here in Michigan and we spend alot of our time with them. I remember a few weeks after Elliott had passed we went to dinner with our friends Steve and Katie. As we were sitting together, eating and drinking and having a great time, I felt genuiely happy for moments during that dinner and I laughed and it felt really good. But as we were leaving and heading home I remember feeling guilty and then sad. Like, how could I have just done that, gone out and had a good time with friends and laughed when my daughter had just died....

April 30th was our 2nd wedding anniversary and we celebrated by going out to eat at a nice restaurant. Even now, I feel conflicted using the word celebrate because how can I want to celebrate anything without Elliott, but we did and we had a nice dinner and spent a majority of the conversation talking about Elliott and how far we've come and how strong our marriage is and that if we can survive the loss of our child we can survive anything...

I shared with my doctor, yes I am working with a therapist and have no remorse in sharing that with anyone, but I shared with my doctor how I feel so conflicted moving forward. Much of my happiness and enjoyment in things is followed by guilt and sadness and confusion. And you know what she told me, she said that by living my life I was honoring Elliott so much more than allowing her death to cause me to curl up on the couch and slowly die too. Those words were so powerful for me and I think about them every day.

Yesterday, I shared with two people about Elliott and it felt really good to talk about her. I told our neighbor Ann about Elliott and I told my hair stylist Angie about Elliott. And I felt proud to be her mommy and it felt good to share about her...just saying her name out loud to another person feels so amazing. There's so much in just a name.

But, what really gets me through each day without Elliott here, is knowing where she is and knowing that one day I will see her again and hold her again and finally get to hear her voice and see her beautiful eyes. Don't get me wrong I'm excited to see God too but I'm ecstatic to see my sweet Elliott.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

The 3rd is for Elliott

I thought of you with love today, but this is nothing new
I thought of you yesterday, and days before that too

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name

All I have are memories, and your picture in a frame

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part

God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart