How I'm doing after three months

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4

It's hard to believe that Thursday marked the three month anniversary of Elliott's birth and death. Time is going by so quickly and the days just seem to run together anymore. I try not to think back on those first few days and weeks after Elliott passed away because to say they were difficult would be an understatement at the very least. To be honest, much of that time is a blur. Shock and denial consumed me, followed by pain and sadness. Thankfully Joe and I were surrounded by our family during those first few weeks and their presence in our home helped in many way, simply hearing their voices helped so much; the silence of an empty house would have been another reminder that Elliott was gone.

I've written in early posts that throughout the pregnancy I prayed for strength to get through each day but I also prayed prayed for strength to survive the days after Elliott. I feared losing her would break me, and to be honest it did, down to my core. But, I'm working very hard each and every day to pick up the pieces and put them back together again all the while knowing I will never be the same. I remember one night in particular after Elliott was gone, after our family had left and our house was quiet and it was only Joe and I. I think the shock had worn off and I was definitely at my lowest, feeling so incredibly empty. I won't share all of the details of that day but as I crawled in to bed that night I told God that it would be perfectly fine with me if I didn't wake up the next morning. I didn't want to hurt myself and I absolutely did not want to put my parents, my husband and my family and friends through another loss but I just wanted to drift away some how to be with Elliott again. That night I held her blanket close to my chest and I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning I laid in bed and thought very hard about how I had felt before I had fallen asleep and the words I had spoken to God. I looked at Joe sleeping in bed and I was flooded with emotions for him. And I thought to myself, he's grieving too, I'm not the only one who's hurt and broken and sad and grieving. And I believe it was at that moment I knew I needed to make a decision (one that I find myself having to "re-make" so many times) but a decision to survive this. Not really knowing then what that would entail and still working desperately each and every day to find my way through the grief, I believe I will make it. But I believe I can only get through this, through Christ. God is the one giving me strength each day and He is the one to bring healing.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." Psalm 71:20. 

Some days it's easier than others to "want" to get out of bed and do the normal things like shower, exercise, run errands, be social with my family and friends and invest in my marriage with Joe.

And then there are some days where I ask myself, how did I get here already and its this ok...

I started a new job a few weeks ago, and I honestly wanted to get back to work, wanted to be productive and wanted to have something to focus on' but at the same time I felt guilt and confusion. Guilt that maybe I was moving forward too soon and that I was not honoring Elliott somehow by going back to work so soon. And confusion for not know what I should feel and what I should allow myself to do, that was "for me". The Sunday night before I started my first day at work I slept with Elliott's blanket, again, but I held it extra close to my chest and I prayed that I was doing the right thing...

Joe and I have been blessed to have made alot of great friends here in Michigan and we spend alot of our time with them. I remember a few weeks after Elliott had passed we went to dinner with our friends Steve and Katie. As we were sitting together, eating and drinking and having a great time, I felt genuiely happy for moments during that dinner and I laughed and it felt really good. But as we were leaving and heading home I remember feeling guilty and then sad. Like, how could I have just done that, gone out and had a good time with friends and laughed when my daughter had just died....

April 30th was our 2nd wedding anniversary and we celebrated by going out to eat at a nice restaurant. Even now, I feel conflicted using the word celebrate because how can I want to celebrate anything without Elliott, but we did and we had a nice dinner and spent a majority of the conversation talking about Elliott and how far we've come and how strong our marriage is and that if we can survive the loss of our child we can survive anything...

I shared with my doctor, yes I am working with a therapist and have no remorse in sharing that with anyone, but I shared with my doctor how I feel so conflicted moving forward. Much of my happiness and enjoyment in things is followed by guilt and sadness and confusion. And you know what she told me, she said that by living my life I was honoring Elliott so much more than allowing her death to cause me to curl up on the couch and slowly die too. Those words were so powerful for me and I think about them every day.

Yesterday, I shared with two people about Elliott and it felt really good to talk about her. I told our neighbor Ann about Elliott and I told my hair stylist Angie about Elliott. And I felt proud to be her mommy and it felt good to share about her...just saying her name out loud to another person feels so amazing. There's so much in just a name.

But, what really gets me through each day without Elliott here, is knowing where she is and knowing that one day I will see her again and hold her again and finally get to hear her voice and see her beautiful eyes. Don't get me wrong I'm excited to see God too but I'm ecstatic to see my sweet Elliott.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7