But, the emotions I had suppressed had to come out sometime and they gradually crept out as the week continued. Monday morning as I walked into the hospital for work I felt as though I was going to break down. I normally take the 20 minute bus ride into work as my time to reflect on things, pray for the day and compose myself before I leave my personal life at the door and put on the "everything is perfect in my life" smile and happily do my job. But Monday was different, I struggled with gathering my thoughts and just kept thinking life isn't fair and I miss Elliott. I called Joe, because who else do I call when I'm about to break down and he did his best to console me. Unfortunately he had just arrived to work as well, had sat down at his desk ready to take on the day and wasn't exactly prepared to give a pep talk to his wife. I understood, after all I lean on him so much for everything else, I'm sure the guy needs a break every once in a while.
Monday blurred in to Tuesday and before I knew it I was right back at my desk ready to take on another day. Perhaps my nerves were getting the best of my emotions, I was covering for a woman who was out for her daughter's wedding and don't even get me started on the tears I cried knowing we will never get to share that day with our sweet Elliott. I typically don't work with the patients in my job but covering for this woman I had to briefly but I wasn't prepared to see so many little kids. These are kids who are very sick with diagnosis I chose not to share and of course each time I looked at them, I thought about Elliott. There's something I want to say right here right now but in doing so I am hesitant for fear I will offend or hurt anyone reading this. I've heard many times Elliott is in a better place, or better off and those words sting because why wouldn't she be perfectly fine here with any or all disabilities that may have come with her, and with Joe and I taking very good care of her. But after this week, I think my perspective on that has changed a bit and it's not at all because I think of children with disabilities as burdens. I love all children the same and truly believe everyone has a purpose here and their own unique gift to share with everyone in this world. The mothers and fathers to children with disabilities are amazing individuals of strength, character, love and inspiration.
But, as so many of us know this world can be incredibly cruel and people say and do hurtful, judgmental and down right evil things to others who are "different". Elliott was so very sick and if she would have lived I don't even want to think of all of the hardships she would have had, how many things she would have been limited to do. She wouldn't have been able to walk or talk, perhaps even see or hear and this world would have been so ugly to her. So as painful as it is to admit because I so selfishly want my sweet Elliott here with me...I do believe she is in a much better place.
Believing that is one thing, accepting that is a whole other story. Tuesday night unexpectedly brought more tears as I sat on my couch, computer on my lap and routinely skimmed facebook. Facebook is like a grieving mother's worst nightmare and best friend all nicely packaged together and easily accessible with the click of a mouse. On a good day when I'm feeling mentally and emotionally strong I enjoy reading about my friend's kids, I love looking at their pictures and smile while doing so. I even enjoy reading about a friend or family member's "facebook offical" announcement that they are expecting and I pray for all of the new mommy's out there. But on hard days, when I'm feeling sad facebook is pure hell and I ask myself why even bother to look, I already know how bad its going to hurt and how lonely and sad I will feel. And on those days, I just can't get past the why. Why Elliott? Why us? We would have loved her with all of our heart and brought nothing but love to her life. She would have been loved by not only by Joe and I but by our parents, our entire family and our friends. I find myself thinking about the people who abuse, neglect and do horrible things to their children, some people have kids and don't even want them and it just isn't fair that these things happen. I just don't understand it and I just want to know WHY?
Wednesday morning as I sat at my desk at work thinking, oh how I hope this day goes quicker than the day before and that I can keep myself together for just 8 more hours I clicked on my daily devotional and read the following;
If God loves me...why? by Renee Swope
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
Soon after I surrendered my life to
Christ, I started struggling with painful things from my past that made me
doubt God's promises for my future. I wondered: If God loves me, why has He allowed so much pain in my life?
If He loved me, why did God allow
my family to be broken by adultery and divorce, shattered by confusion and
chaos, shaken by alcohol and drug addictions and so much more? And why didn't
He stop me from the pain I brought on myself, or keep me from the darkness of
depression?
One afternoon I found the courage
to tell my friend Wanda about my doubts and questions. I was surprised she
didn't give me a pat answer, but looked at me with understanding in her eyes
and told me she was sorry. Then she shared her story, which included many
disappointments and heartbreaks. Yet, I didn't sense doubt or pain in her
words. Instead, I sensed confidence and hope.
Turning the pages of her Bible to
Jeremiah 29, Wanda read today's key verse as a promise to me: "'For I know
the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (v. 11)
She then told me God wanted to heal
the pain of my past and use what I'd experienced to pave the way to His plans
for my future. But I didn't want God to use my pain or my past. How would any
of it do anything good for anyone, especially me?
Have you ever felt that way about
your pain or your past? Have you ever asked: "If
God loves me, then why...?"
These are the kind of questions
that can linger in our hearts when we've been wounded and disappointed. And
hurts that aren't healed can lead to bitterness and bondage.
Yet, in the security of a
relationship with Jesus, God invites us to ask hard questions and look for
answers that usher us into the depths of His redeeming love and healing power.
Can I whisper some hope into your
heart today? If you are living and
breathing, your purpose has not yet been fulfilled. No matter what you
have done or what has been done to you, God does have a plan for your life.
So, how can you discover those
plans? Let's read the premise that follows the promise in Jeremiah 29. After
God declares He knows the plans He has for us, He says, "Then you will
call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me
and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (v.12-13)
We find God's plans when we
surrender ours to Him each day. It's a moment by moment process of coming to
Him, talking to Him, believing He listens and letting Him love us into a place
of hope and healing.
God's love is not a quick-fix for
our wounds, but it has the power to redeem and restore us into confident hope.
When we allow the Holy Spirit poured out like Living water to go deep into our
pain, He can heal our hearts from the inside out.
As we process the pain of our
yesterdays and live through the disappointments of our todays, doubts may still
creep up, threatening to steal our hope. But each time that happens, we can
stop and seek God in that place. We can ask Him to show us His purpose by revealing
what is true about who we are and what we have been through to make us start
doubting.
Then we can ask Him to help us
re-define our future, not through the filter of our past and pain, but through
the power of His life-giving truth. And do you know what happens when we do
that moment by moment, day by day, doubt by doubt? God tells us in Jeremiah
29:14, "I will be found by you...and will bring you back from
captivity."
We find Him again and again. We
find the One who longs to lead us out of captivity to our doubts into a place
of freedom and hope. I know this is true because I have walked it, wrestled
with it, resisted it and finally surrendered to it.
God's love is not only unfailing,
it redeems and restores. His Truth cuts to the core of our struggles, bringing
purpose to our pain, redemption from our past and hope for our future!
Lord,
heal my hurts and give me hope as I learn to trust the plans You have for me.
I'm coming to You and seeking You with all my heart today. Please set me free
from my doubts and lead me into a place of confident hope. In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
Encouragement For Today Devotionals
Love that devotional you shared.
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