A beautiful message

"Blessings In Disguise Are Difficult to Recognize"
By Helen Steiner Rice

God sends His "little angels"
in many forms and guises,
They come as lovely miracles
that God alone devises -----
For He does nothing without purpose,
everything's a perfect plan
To fulfill in bounteous measure
all He ever promised man -----
For every "little angel"
with a body bent and broken,
Or a little mind retarded
or little words unspoken,
Is just God's way of trying
to reach and touch a hand
Of all who do not know Him
and cannot understand
That often through an angel
whose "wings will never fly"
The Lord is pointing out the way
to His eternal sky
Where there will be no handicaps
of body, soul or mind,
And where all limitations
will be dropped and left behind ----
So accept these "little angels"
as gifts from God above
And thank Him for this lesson
in faith and hope and love.

Thank you Mandy for sending this to us. 

We're going with Faith

Elliott Faith Jensen, doesn't that sound perfectly beautiful.

Joe and I decided on Faith as Elliott's middle name in early January as we took down the Christmas tree and decorations. There were a few other names in the running but once Faith was mentioned it just seemed so perfect. After all, if it wasn't for our faith I think we both would be traveling down this road a bit more lost, angry and incredibly sad.

Our faith is in our Lord, our faith in obeying God, our faith in God's plan for our lives and God's plan for Elliott, and faith that we will one day spend eternity with our beautiful daughter in Heaven.

We love you, Elliott Faith Jensen!

30 weeks pregnant on my 28th birthday

I could choose to be sad today, I could choose to be sad just about every day and most days that's truly the "easier" thing to do...

But I'm choosing to be happy today and celebrate my birthday with Elliott and my wonderful husband Joe. My day started off with a surprise phone call from my brother who is in Afghanistan. I was actually sleeping in and missed his call but he just called a second time and it was very nice to hear his voice. This was followed by lots of love and bday wishes from family and friends, an amazing prenatal massage (every pregnant girl deserves one) and dinner tonight with Elliott's handsome daddy.

I'm enjoying sweet Elliott's kicks and even the goofy nicknames Joe's calling us...Elliott is now easy-e and Joe asks several times a day "how's that baby doing?" which I love. I'm officially named lumpy as my huge belly has taken on a life of its own and the oddest shape, but I know exactly where Elliott is on my right side and I place my hand on her head all day long. This is the stuff that gets me through the day and today's going to be a good day.

Over the past week

Our week started off with a wonderful gift from some very special friends, a maternity photo session. We were overcome by their generosity and were extremely pleased with our photographer, Kathryn Gibson from Canton, MI. Kathryn is incredibly kind and considerate especially regarding our situation with Elliott and it shows through in her pictures. At the beginning of our pregnancy I was thrilled with the idea of maternity pictures along with all of the other fun and exciting things that go along with carrying a baby. After learning of Elliott's conditions I just kind of forgot or pushed out the idea of getting those pictures taken. My mind was consumed by so many other thoughts, concerns and worries. So receiving this gift meant a great deal to both Joe and I. Without even having to talk about it, we know this is something special we've shared with just Elliott and we will have pictures and memories to last us forever.

Here's a link to Kathryn's blog with some of our pictures; http://kmgphotography.org/blog/?p=4551

Tuesday I went to the OB, another quick appointment but was told my belly is measuring much larger than it should be. Elliott is on the larger size but Dr. P. could tell that I was probably carrying more amnio fluid than I should be. This was all confirmed Thursday during an ultrasound. Elliott is unable to swallow like we thought she was and therefore I have about 3 times the normal amount of anmiotic fluid I should have. The normal levels fall between 7-20 and I have around 35. Our specialist talked to us about an amnioreduction but said if we were to do one now we would most likely have to do another reduction in about a month because it will continue to build up. She asked me how "comfortable" I am and honestly I'm ok. My belly is big and seems to grow just over night but I'm managing. I'm getting through each day and even working out a few times a week with yoga and the treadmill to stay healthy. So until I can't get out of bed or move I really don't want to do the reduction, especially if it's anything like the amniocentisis, which was incredibly painful. I will see the OB every 2 weeks now and our specialist said if I get up to 45 cm of amnio fluid then she will demand the reduction, so until then we'll just keep praying for good things. One of the risks to an amnioreduction is premature labor and I really want to carry Elliott as long as we can.

I remember in the early weeks of learning about Elliotts complications I wanted to be induced early. I truly didn't think I had the strength to carry out the pregnancy for months and months. But after praying each and every day for strength and praying each and every day for peace in my heart over God's plan for our sweet daughter it breaks my heart to think of getting induced early or going into labor preterm. I feel like I've come to terms with this all, I've put EVERYTHING in God's hands and I am trusting him with EVERYTHING I am  and EVERYTHING I have.

A very special day

Over the past few months there have been many days that we have wished away, slept away and just couldn't believe were days we would get through.

But today is going to be a very special day for us and one we will cherish always with our sweet Elliott.

Today we are having a maternity photo shoot in our own home. A very special day to document my growing belly, our family and most of all our precious daughter Elliott.

We feel very blessed for this gift, thank you!

He does love us

I feel so sick today but its not the flu or a cold. Today we are meeting with the funeral home and I just don't want to go. I really really don't want to go....

Days like this God feels so far away.

I've been reading alot of books lately from Christian woman like Angie Smith, Mary Beth Chapman and now Beth Moore....they all have repeated several messages but today there are two quotes I keep repeating in my head, that all three women have wrote about.

"A truth about our God is that He is the same yesterday, today and forever."

and

"I may not understand what God is doing in my life right now, but I know He loves me."

I know He loves me, I know He loves Joe and I know He does love our sweet Elliott.
God, please grant us the strength to get through today.

More planning and preparing

Our weekend was full of ups and downs again...seems to be the pattern these days.

This may seem like the most bizarre time for me to be thinking about a job but I haven't been working since October and my days are consumed with thoughts and prayers for Elliott, hours spent on the internet trying to understand her conditions and wishing so desperately I will find a cure for her, and to be quite honest to many hours zoning out in front of the t.v. to get through the really hard days.
I'm trying so hard to keep a "normal routine", get up with Joe every morning as he leaves for work and I begin my day too. Even the simplest of things right now make me feel as though I'm functioning ok during this time like doing the housework, exercise or even just a shower. So when the opportunity came up for the job interview I took it. It was refreshing to have a challenge for the day, I enjoyed so much getting out and talking about something other than what we are going through. My interview went very well and I was even offered the position.

However, on my drive home my emotions and excitement quickly went out the window. Dr. N called again, this time to discuss with me the conversation he'd had with our specialist. Dr. F. had told him that as she reviewed the last ultrasound report she could see that Elliott's conditions are getting worse. As Elliott continues to grow, everything else in her body gets bigger. Dr. F. is very concerned with the diaphragmatic hernia, as there is limited room in her chest cavity and everything that is in there that should be in her belly will begin to run out of space and push on her heart and tiny lung buds. They still want to continue the monthly ultrasounds to monitor her and the amniotic fluid.

It's after phone calls like these that I feel like I've failed, that I haven't prayed hard enough for her or wanted a better outcome enough for her.

On Saturday we met with Janet, the Director of Perinatal Hospice. She came to our home and discussed her services to us and I am so thankful that we met with her. I'm also so incredibly thankful to the woman who put me in touch with Janet from hospice, a woman I met several months back through my church, Lynne. Lynne has carried me through this time with prayers, emailing bible verses to me, and supporting me in many other ways. Thank you so much Lynne for everything.

Janet is truly a gift to families like ours. She runs a non-profit organization that provides a great deal of services to families and we can use all or a few of the things she has to offer. We have chosen for her to assist us in birthing classes, she will come to our house so we don't have to go to the hospital and take the classes with the other pregnant women. She will also come with us to the hospital as our advocate and assist with anything we need, like providing a private room for our families to wait in away from the regular waiting room and communicate with them so they can meet Elliott immediately after she is here. She will provide some other services for us at the hospital and has offered to help us with the planning after Elliott is here but we prefer to do that on our own.

She brought us a few gifts as well including a keepsake box and a handmade blanket which immediately brought tears to our eyes. On Friday I went to Michaels, bought a few things of yarn and a crochet guide. I want to make Elliott a blanket to wrap her in. The other handmade blanket from Janet will be ours to keep.

Joe and I have more decisions to make from this point on to plan and prepare for our sweet Elliott. And with the news that we received on Friday I can't even think about work right now. I'm already in my third trimester and time is going by too fast. I really want to spend these next 10+ weeks with Elliott, doing everything I can for her. Making the arrangements, finishing her blanket, getting in to all of my doctors appointments, reading to her and exercising with her. The third trimester has brought a few new pains with it such as constant back pain, a very tender and sore growing belly and many many sleepless nights. I'm hoping daily exercise will help greatly with this. I'm not complaining by any means and one thing is for sure, Elliott has taught me the true importance of life, and it isn't the little things that we all so quickly get consumed with and complain about.  Despite my uncomfortableness, I would give anything to slow down these next few months with her.

Yesterday's Dr.s appointment

Yesterday I went to the doctor for the 1 Hour Glucose Test. I was a bit anxious for the test after hearing from many others of how "wonderful" the surgery, orange drink is; but my experience wasn't too bad. I didn't have to fast prior to the test and it was later in the day which I think helped too. It only took me a few minutes to drink the orange drink and my 1 hour of sitting and waiting began. After the hour they drew my blood and the results come in after 72 hours.

The waiting room was full so I spent some time just people watching, wondering what the other woman's stories were. How far along they are, is this their first pregnancy etc. Sometimes it's hard to be in the waiting room with the other pregnant women, but most of the time its not. I'm happy for them.

Dr. N. called me back to the consultation room after a few minutes, I had asked to speak to him since he never called with the ultrasound report. Together we looked at the results and he asked me what questions I had. I told him that my main concern was how Elliott is doing. I wanted to know why we had been told during our 15 week ultrasound that Elliott's hands, feet, and profile were abnormal only to find out at the 25 week ultrasound that they are "normal". I also really wanted to know if anything else that we were told was abnormal was now "normal". The 25 week ultrasound had sparked a bit of hope inside of me. Hope that I was afraid to talk about out loud or cling to though, because since October 20th I've been planning and preparing to say goodbye to our daughter.

Dr. N sat me down and searched for the words he wanted to say. He said he didn't want to sound insensitive, but went on to tell me that there are so many anomolies with Elliott's heart and brain that there just isn't anything they can do. He went on to go over some of the other numbers with me, like her growth and said that she's a bit bigger, in the 95th percentile for her gestational age. I'm sure he was trying to find something good to tell me. He also said that there is a little more amniotic fluid than they would like to see which means she's not swallowing as much, but said this is better than not enough because not enough fluid wouldn't cushion her or the cord.

I couldn't say much after our meeting. He encouraged me again to keep up with the monthly ultrasounds. I think he really understands how important it is to me that I know how she's doing. And he said he would call Dr. F. (our specialist) himself and request that she continue to follow us. He knows that she is familiar with Elliott's conditions and knows she'll give us all of the information we need during the ultrasounds.

The monthly ultrasounds are not easy to go to but I want to see her. Elliott looks like a healthy growing baby on the monitor for the most part. Sometimes I wish we could just sit in the room and spend hours watching her move around. I ask alot of questions about her conditions and its very sad to hear what's going on but in some way it makes me feel like I'm being a good mom to her. Asking how she's doing, trying to learn and understand what is happening in her tiny body. I guess it's my way of being by her side, holding her hand or rubbing her back like I would if she was  just sick in bed with the flu. What I wouldn't give for that to just be the case.

Two days ago Joe hung a shelf in our bedroom for her. We placed the gifts we have received at Christmas and over the past few months for her along with some picture frames and a photo album of her ultrasound pictures. I was expecting to be sad after I saw it all come together but I felt at peace. It felt peaceful to have done something for her, to have a place for her.

Christmas and New Years

Well Dr. N never called last Friday and when I called the office to speak to him he had already left for the day. I was pretty upset, but after some advice from my mom I decided maybe it was best that I hadn't talked to him. Like my mom said, if it was going to just be more bad news then maybe it's best that we didn't have that phone call with him and we went into the holidays with the good news we had received earlier about Elliott.

So Christmas day arrived and Joe and I headed home to my parents house. I was really eager to get to town and see all of our family. I couldn't wait to see my niece Ireland and her mom Molly. I was excited to see all of my cousins, sisters, the kiddos... well everyone for that matter. The day got even sweeter when Jenni arrived with sweet little Jensen. He's so adorable and it melted my heart to hold him again. Joe and I spent alot of time with our family and friends and it truly was nice to talk to everyone, see all of the kids and be surrounded by the people we love.

Unfortunately the flu hit me on Monday night and Joe got it pretty bad Wednesday & Thursday so some of our plans to see more friends came to a quick end and we spent a few days laying around the house. We had planned on heading back to Michigan on Thursday but with Joe being so sick we stayed an extra day in town. I didn't mind one bit, it was nice to spend the extra day at my parents house.

To be completely honest, I didn't want to leave at all. I knew that leaving my parents house was just one more step closer to this horrible fate, Christmas was over - one more holiday gone that we will never get to spend with Elliott again, and the next time we see our family and friends it will be when we no longer have our sweet Elliott.

Its been about a week since I've cried, but everyday I feel this intense sadness. I can talk about Elliott, her diagnosis, our plans to memorialize her without even crying and I'm sure to everyone this seems so weird. It feels weird to me, I just feel so incredibly numb. I feel anxious that every tomorrow could be the day. I feel anxious because there is so much more I want to do with her and for her. I want to pick out a dress for her, I want to make a blanket for her, I want to find everything on the planet to memorialize her with. I think it's truly setting in, I think it's truly hitting me that we are loosing our daughter. I love her so much, I love her name and it's crushing me that I won't get to have my little Elliott.

I wish I could look forward to the new year but there truly doesn't feel like there is anything to look forward to.