Yesterday I went to the doctor for the 1 Hour Glucose Test. I was a bit anxious for the test after hearing from many others of how "wonderful" the surgery, orange drink is; but my experience wasn't too bad. I didn't have to fast prior to the test and it was later in the day which I think helped too. It only took me a few minutes to drink the orange drink and my 1 hour of sitting and waiting began. After the hour they drew my blood and the results come in after 72 hours.
The waiting room was full so I spent some time just people watching, wondering what the other woman's stories were. How far along they are, is this their first pregnancy etc. Sometimes it's hard to be in the waiting room with the other pregnant women, but most of the time its not. I'm happy for them.
Dr. N. called me back to the consultation room after a few minutes, I had asked to speak to him since he never called with the ultrasound report. Together we looked at the results and he asked me what questions I had. I told him that my main concern was how Elliott is doing. I wanted to know why we had been told during our 15 week ultrasound that Elliott's hands, feet, and profile were abnormal only to find out at the 25 week ultrasound that they are "normal". I also really wanted to know if anything else that we were told was abnormal was now "normal". The 25 week ultrasound had sparked a bit of hope inside of me. Hope that I was afraid to talk about out loud or cling to though, because since October 20th I've been planning and preparing to say goodbye to our daughter.
Dr. N sat me down and searched for the words he wanted to say. He said he didn't want to sound insensitive, but went on to tell me that there are so many anomolies with Elliott's heart and brain that there just isn't anything they can do. He went on to go over some of the other numbers with me, like her growth and said that she's a bit bigger, in the 95th percentile for her gestational age. I'm sure he was trying to find something good to tell me. He also said that there is a little more amniotic fluid than they would like to see which means she's not swallowing as much, but said this is better than not enough because not enough fluid wouldn't cushion her or the cord.
I couldn't say much after our meeting. He encouraged me again to keep up with the monthly ultrasounds. I think he really understands how important it is to me that I know how she's doing. And he said he would call Dr. F. (our specialist) himself and request that she continue to follow us. He knows that she is familiar with Elliott's conditions and knows she'll give us all of the information we need during the ultrasounds.
The monthly ultrasounds are not easy to go to but I want to see her. Elliott looks like a healthy growing baby on the monitor for the most part. Sometimes I wish we could just sit in the room and spend hours watching her move around. I ask alot of questions about her conditions and its very sad to hear what's going on but in some way it makes me feel like I'm being a good mom to her. Asking how she's doing, trying to learn and understand what is happening in her tiny body. I guess it's my way of being by her side, holding her hand or rubbing her back like I would if she was just sick in bed with the flu. What I wouldn't give for that to just be the case.
Two days ago Joe hung a shelf in our bedroom for her. We placed the gifts we have received at Christmas and over the past few months for her along with some picture frames and a photo album of her ultrasound pictures. I was expecting to be sad after I saw it all come together but I felt at peace. It felt peaceful to have done something for her, to have a place for her.
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