Christmas and New Years

Well Dr. N never called last Friday and when I called the office to speak to him he had already left for the day. I was pretty upset, but after some advice from my mom I decided maybe it was best that I hadn't talked to him. Like my mom said, if it was going to just be more bad news then maybe it's best that we didn't have that phone call with him and we went into the holidays with the good news we had received earlier about Elliott.

So Christmas day arrived and Joe and I headed home to my parents house. I was really eager to get to town and see all of our family. I couldn't wait to see my niece Ireland and her mom Molly. I was excited to see all of my cousins, sisters, the kiddos... well everyone for that matter. The day got even sweeter when Jenni arrived with sweet little Jensen. He's so adorable and it melted my heart to hold him again. Joe and I spent alot of time with our family and friends and it truly was nice to talk to everyone, see all of the kids and be surrounded by the people we love.

Unfortunately the flu hit me on Monday night and Joe got it pretty bad Wednesday & Thursday so some of our plans to see more friends came to a quick end and we spent a few days laying around the house. We had planned on heading back to Michigan on Thursday but with Joe being so sick we stayed an extra day in town. I didn't mind one bit, it was nice to spend the extra day at my parents house.

To be completely honest, I didn't want to leave at all. I knew that leaving my parents house was just one more step closer to this horrible fate, Christmas was over - one more holiday gone that we will never get to spend with Elliott again, and the next time we see our family and friends it will be when we no longer have our sweet Elliott.

Its been about a week since I've cried, but everyday I feel this intense sadness. I can talk about Elliott, her diagnosis, our plans to memorialize her without even crying and I'm sure to everyone this seems so weird. It feels weird to me, I just feel so incredibly numb. I feel anxious that every tomorrow could be the day. I feel anxious because there is so much more I want to do with her and for her. I want to pick out a dress for her, I want to make a blanket for her, I want to find everything on the planet to memorialize her with. I think it's truly setting in, I think it's truly hitting me that we are loosing our daughter. I love her so much, I love her name and it's crushing me that I won't get to have my little Elliott.

I wish I could look forward to the new year but there truly doesn't feel like there is anything to look forward to.