Family, friends and complete strangers have shown support to Joe and I in many different ways and everything everyone has done has touched our hearts. I'd like to share what I can and hope that it helps heal the hearts of our extended family and friends that have been touched by Elliott Faith Jensen too, and for those who have experienced loss of their own.
We opened an envelope with this inside last night and while it brought me to tears the first time I read it and I'm sure it will do the same for all of you, I've re-read it a dozen times by now and it makes me smile so much.
"Daddy please don't look so sad, mommy please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart fees a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't look so sad and mommy please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Elliott's Poem
She was so very, very special
And was so from the start
You held her in your arms
And also in your heart
And like a single drop of rain
That on still waters fall,
Her life did ripples make
And touched the lives of all.
She’s gone to play with angels
In heaven up above
So keep your special memories
And treasure them with love
Although your darling daughter
Was with you just a while
She’ll live on in your heart
With a sweet remembered smile
Author unknown
Thursday, February 23, 2012
How I'm feeling
I miss Elliott so much. That's how I feel today and everyday.
I've begun to wonder if I should keep this blog going, I don't even know if anyone's reading it anymore and frankly the grieving process has left me with very little to say that I want to share or am ready to share, but a huge part of me doesn't want my blog about Elliott to end here. I feel like if I stop this blog now it's just one more thing to say goodbye to and we've already said goodbye to so much.
When people ask how I'm doing all I can say is ok..I have bad days and not so bad days and alot of ups and downs throughout each day. I'm experiencing alot of emotions that I didn't have throughout the pregnancy and that in itself is a struggle; intense feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, fear and asking over and over WHY WHY WHY!!!
I am struggling in my walk with God and struggling to see the purpose of what he's put us through and why he's taken our sweet Elliott so soon.
But, I will not give up on God or my faith and in time we will get through this. We will never get over the loss of Elliott, the loss of our first child, our first daughter and the dream of taking care of her and watching her grow up. So please don't ever say to us, we've had enough time to grieve. With God's blessing we will have more children but those children will never replace our sweet Elliott, so please don't ever say to us we still have time to have a family and be parents because we already are. When strangers ask us if we have any children I'm going to answer truthfully and say yes, we have one beautiful baby girl Elliott Faith in heaven, and I don't care how uncomfortable it makes them feel. I know others will move on much faster than us but please don't stop saying her name or asking to see her pictures or talking to us about Elliott.
I miss her so much.
I've begun to wonder if I should keep this blog going, I don't even know if anyone's reading it anymore and frankly the grieving process has left me with very little to say that I want to share or am ready to share, but a huge part of me doesn't want my blog about Elliott to end here. I feel like if I stop this blog now it's just one more thing to say goodbye to and we've already said goodbye to so much.
When people ask how I'm doing all I can say is ok..I have bad days and not so bad days and alot of ups and downs throughout each day. I'm experiencing alot of emotions that I didn't have throughout the pregnancy and that in itself is a struggle; intense feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, fear and asking over and over WHY WHY WHY!!!
I am struggling in my walk with God and struggling to see the purpose of what he's put us through and why he's taken our sweet Elliott so soon.
But, I will not give up on God or my faith and in time we will get through this. We will never get over the loss of Elliott, the loss of our first child, our first daughter and the dream of taking care of her and watching her grow up. So please don't ever say to us, we've had enough time to grieve. With God's blessing we will have more children but those children will never replace our sweet Elliott, so please don't ever say to us we still have time to have a family and be parents because we already are. When strangers ask us if we have any children I'm going to answer truthfully and say yes, we have one beautiful baby girl Elliott Faith in heaven, and I don't care how uncomfortable it makes them feel. I know others will move on much faster than us but please don't stop saying her name or asking to see her pictures or talking to us about Elliott.
I miss her so much.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Fridays are so hard
Today's been a rough one... journaling to Elliott my mind couldn't stop thinking of all of the things we'll miss out on and for that my heart continues to break. Some days it just doesn't seem fair so I'm going to pray even harder today for strength and peace.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I've fallen in love with the color purple
Joe and I were married on April 30th 2010 in Las Vegas with about 20 family members and had a traditional wedding ceremony on July 30, 2011. (We were 4 weeks pregnant with our sweet Elliott on July 30th and as we look at our wedding pictures on our living room wall we smile to know she was with us during that happy celebration).
I had chosen shades of purple for the July ceremony mixed in with blues and pinks and our flowers were beautiful. I thought I loved the color purple then...
A few months ago I was becoming increasingly nervous that we wouldn't have anything for Elliott when she was born. I wanted to find a dress for her but how do you pick out just any old dress for your daughter in our special situation. I looked online a few times but nothing seemed right. So one day I decided I would make something for her. I didn't think I would be able to make a dress for her so I decided to make a blanket. I went to Michaels, asked a sales clerk which of the two were easier to learn, crocheting or knitting and after she answered me with crocheting I picked out a beginners book and taught myself how to crochet. I chose a pattern for a blanket that looked simple enough and picked out three colors of yarn, pink for a baby girl, blue for Joe's favorite color and purple for mine. It took me a few days to get the hang of it but I finally did and was able to crochet a blanket for our sweet Elliott. A unique pink, blue and purple blanket just for her.
February 3rd was not our "due date", April 6th was. We were going in to the hospital for an amnioreduction to prevent early labor and ease the increasing pain I was having from so much amniotic fluid. In just two weeks it had increased from 35 to 47 and I was in so much pain. However, the same procedure we hoped would prevent early labor put me in to labor just a few minutes into the procedure. Things moved very quickly and all I could do was pray for peace and strength. There are many things about February 3rd that were not part of "our plan" but were certainly God's plan. For one, we were at hospital we never intended to deliver at but God placed a special nurse with us that day. Her name is Reilene and she sat down with us as one point before we went in for the c-section and explained that she was part of a "committee" of nurses who worked with families like ours and she had some things for us. One of those things was a dress for Elliott and she brought in three for us to choose from. I only remember seeing two, a pink one and a white one with purple stitching around the collar, waist and sleeves and with a matching purple and white hat, and of course that was the one we chose. The purple dress and it fit her perfectly.
The day after we had Elliott my friend Mandy came to visit us in the hospital and she brought a few gifts. One of those gifts was a beautiful purple rosary. I immediately loved it for its color but never mentioned to her that purple was my favorite color until yesterday. We were standing in my bedroom at home and I was showing her Elliott's shelf in our room and mentioned that the rosary was still in our keepsake box. I told her how much I loved the color purple and she went on to tell me that she had chosen purple because that is the color of Elliott's birthstone. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I had no idea, I hadn't even thought about her birthstone, it's still surreal that we said hello and goodbye already, on February 3rd.
Elliott's birthstone is amethyst, a beautiful purple stone.
I had chosen shades of purple for the July ceremony mixed in with blues and pinks and our flowers were beautiful. I thought I loved the color purple then...
A few months ago I was becoming increasingly nervous that we wouldn't have anything for Elliott when she was born. I wanted to find a dress for her but how do you pick out just any old dress for your daughter in our special situation. I looked online a few times but nothing seemed right. So one day I decided I would make something for her. I didn't think I would be able to make a dress for her so I decided to make a blanket. I went to Michaels, asked a sales clerk which of the two were easier to learn, crocheting or knitting and after she answered me with crocheting I picked out a beginners book and taught myself how to crochet. I chose a pattern for a blanket that looked simple enough and picked out three colors of yarn, pink for a baby girl, blue for Joe's favorite color and purple for mine. It took me a few days to get the hang of it but I finally did and was able to crochet a blanket for our sweet Elliott. A unique pink, blue and purple blanket just for her.
February 3rd was not our "due date", April 6th was. We were going in to the hospital for an amnioreduction to prevent early labor and ease the increasing pain I was having from so much amniotic fluid. In just two weeks it had increased from 35 to 47 and I was in so much pain. However, the same procedure we hoped would prevent early labor put me in to labor just a few minutes into the procedure. Things moved very quickly and all I could do was pray for peace and strength. There are many things about February 3rd that were not part of "our plan" but were certainly God's plan. For one, we were at hospital we never intended to deliver at but God placed a special nurse with us that day. Her name is Reilene and she sat down with us as one point before we went in for the c-section and explained that she was part of a "committee" of nurses who worked with families like ours and she had some things for us. One of those things was a dress for Elliott and she brought in three for us to choose from. I only remember seeing two, a pink one and a white one with purple stitching around the collar, waist and sleeves and with a matching purple and white hat, and of course that was the one we chose. The purple dress and it fit her perfectly.
The day after we had Elliott my friend Mandy came to visit us in the hospital and she brought a few gifts. One of those gifts was a beautiful purple rosary. I immediately loved it for its color but never mentioned to her that purple was my favorite color until yesterday. We were standing in my bedroom at home and I was showing her Elliott's shelf in our room and mentioned that the rosary was still in our keepsake box. I told her how much I loved the color purple and she went on to tell me that she had chosen purple because that is the color of Elliott's birthstone. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I had no idea, I hadn't even thought about her birthstone, it's still surreal that we said hello and goodbye already, on February 3rd.
Elliott's birthstone is amethyst, a beautiful purple stone.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Catnip to the rescue
We've been given so many beautiful flower arrangements and plant baskets throughout the week, our house smells amazing and has never looked better. However, we have two little duds named Gabby and Rufus (our 2 1/2 year old cats) who love to chew on the plants and knock over the vases full of water that our days consisted of chasing them off with a water bottle and packing up all of the flowers and plants and moving them into the laundry room at night for protection.
But that all came to a glorious end yesterday when we brought home a few toys with organic catnip inside of them. Our boys went nuts over these toys and Joe and I laughed so hard as we watched them play and play. I bet Elliott was laughing right along with us. Now, it's as if all of the plants and flowers don't even exist in the house. We were able to leave all of the plants out yesterday and placed throughout the house, not just jumbled up in one room that we could keep an eye on. Thank you catnip!
Our sweet Elliott Faith is one week old in heaven today. We miss you terribly my sweet baby girl but we know you're playing your little heart out in heaven and that warms our hearts today.
But that all came to a glorious end yesterday when we brought home a few toys with organic catnip inside of them. Our boys went nuts over these toys and Joe and I laughed so hard as we watched them play and play. I bet Elliott was laughing right along with us. Now, it's as if all of the plants and flowers don't even exist in the house. We were able to leave all of the plants out yesterday and placed throughout the house, not just jumbled up in one room that we could keep an eye on. Thank you catnip!
Our sweet Elliott Faith is one week old in heaven today. We miss you terribly my sweet baby girl but we know you're playing your little heart out in heaven and that warms our hearts today.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Elliott's handsome daddy
I wanted to take some time tell everyone how wonderful my husband Joe is and how amazing it was to see him transform into a very proud daddy the very second Elliott was placed in his hands.
The day we received the news of Elliott's conditions Joe was right by my side, holding my hand and later holding me as I broke down completely as the list of complications seemed never ending. His strength that day was amazing and without him there with me I would have never made it out of the doctor's office. October 20th was the day we received the devastating news and each and every day after Joe continued to be a strong, loving, supporting and devoted husband right by my side.
As we searched for answers and we prayed for guidance, Joe continued to be right by my side. He never pressured me into any decisions but simply supported me 100% with all of the things I wanted and needed to do throughout the pregnancy. He went with me to just about every ultrasound appointment. Those appointments were so hard to go to, hard to see and hear about Elliott's conditions but he went with me because he knew it was important to me and he supported me. He never said no, or asked why I needed to hear the same things again, he just went with me because he loved me.
We tried our best to live out the days, weeks and months of the pregnancy as "normally" as we could. Some days were so normal, it didn't seem possible that we were faced with such a devastating fate. And those were the days that I loved. Joe would say so often "how's that baby doing" and we would spend the day doing whatever it was that we planned and Elliott was there with us through it all and we didn't focus or dwell on her complications. We just loved her and we loved each other and we spent another great day together as a family.
Joe's strength through all of this was so amazing to me too. He got up each and every day and went to work and worked hard. He accomplished quite a bit personally and professionally during this time and always came home straight after work and asked me how I was, how that baby was and spent so many evenings right by my side. So incredibly selfless with his time and so devoted to his work and most of all his family. There were so many nights he rubbed my back to help me fall asleep or just held my hand. Thank you so much honey.
There were so many days throughout the pregnancy that I daydreamed about Joe being a father to Elliott. This was especially the case after we would spend time with friends who have children. I would think about Joe holding Elliott, playing with her and rough housing with her. I would think about him gushing over how beautiful his daughter is and how Elliott would have daddy wrapped about her little finger. And I would think about how loving and caring he would be to her each and every day.
Since Elliott's birth, I think about the hour we had with her so much. Sometimes I do wish maybe I had done things differently like hold her more or say more to her, but I know that's just Satan trying to take me down in moments of doubt. Because, honestly I have no regrets about that hour with our sweet Elliott. That was Joe's hour, and it was beyond words to see him transform in to a very proud daddy. The doctors placed Elliott in his hands after the c-section and he was glowing. We both were amazed that she was born alive and he held her so proudly in his hands so close to our faces so we could see her and be so close to her. Oh she was so beautiful.Once we were out of the operating room, Joe continued to delicately hold his daughter. He was so careful, so kind. He gave Elliott a bath and combed her hair the best he could and it was perfectly done. He put a very tiny diaper on her that looked so big once on and he dressed his daughter in the softest purple and white dress. These were all first for Joe and he did them with no hesitation. He brought Elliott to my bed and we held her together as she was placed in the Lords hands. It truly was the best hour of our lives.
What I wouldn't give to have more time and more memories, but the ones we do have we will treasure forever and for me those memories are of an amazing, strong, supportive and loving husband and the proudest daddy who loves his daughter so much.
The day we received the news of Elliott's conditions Joe was right by my side, holding my hand and later holding me as I broke down completely as the list of complications seemed never ending. His strength that day was amazing and without him there with me I would have never made it out of the doctor's office. October 20th was the day we received the devastating news and each and every day after Joe continued to be a strong, loving, supporting and devoted husband right by my side.
As we searched for answers and we prayed for guidance, Joe continued to be right by my side. He never pressured me into any decisions but simply supported me 100% with all of the things I wanted and needed to do throughout the pregnancy. He went with me to just about every ultrasound appointment. Those appointments were so hard to go to, hard to see and hear about Elliott's conditions but he went with me because he knew it was important to me and he supported me. He never said no, or asked why I needed to hear the same things again, he just went with me because he loved me.
We tried our best to live out the days, weeks and months of the pregnancy as "normally" as we could. Some days were so normal, it didn't seem possible that we were faced with such a devastating fate. And those were the days that I loved. Joe would say so often "how's that baby doing" and we would spend the day doing whatever it was that we planned and Elliott was there with us through it all and we didn't focus or dwell on her complications. We just loved her and we loved each other and we spent another great day together as a family.
Joe's strength through all of this was so amazing to me too. He got up each and every day and went to work and worked hard. He accomplished quite a bit personally and professionally during this time and always came home straight after work and asked me how I was, how that baby was and spent so many evenings right by my side. So incredibly selfless with his time and so devoted to his work and most of all his family. There were so many nights he rubbed my back to help me fall asleep or just held my hand. Thank you so much honey.
There were so many days throughout the pregnancy that I daydreamed about Joe being a father to Elliott. This was especially the case after we would spend time with friends who have children. I would think about Joe holding Elliott, playing with her and rough housing with her. I would think about him gushing over how beautiful his daughter is and how Elliott would have daddy wrapped about her little finger. And I would think about how loving and caring he would be to her each and every day.
Since Elliott's birth, I think about the hour we had with her so much. Sometimes I do wish maybe I had done things differently like hold her more or say more to her, but I know that's just Satan trying to take me down in moments of doubt. Because, honestly I have no regrets about that hour with our sweet Elliott. That was Joe's hour, and it was beyond words to see him transform in to a very proud daddy. The doctors placed Elliott in his hands after the c-section and he was glowing. We both were amazed that she was born alive and he held her so proudly in his hands so close to our faces so we could see her and be so close to her. Oh she was so beautiful.Once we were out of the operating room, Joe continued to delicately hold his daughter. He was so careful, so kind. He gave Elliott a bath and combed her hair the best he could and it was perfectly done. He put a very tiny diaper on her that looked so big once on and he dressed his daughter in the softest purple and white dress. These were all first for Joe and he did them with no hesitation. He brought Elliott to my bed and we held her together as she was placed in the Lords hands. It truly was the best hour of our lives.
What I wouldn't give to have more time and more memories, but the ones we do have we will treasure forever and for me those memories are of an amazing, strong, supportive and loving husband and the proudest daddy who loves his daughter so much.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Elliott Faith Jensen
God received a beautiful baby girl on Friday, February 3rd.
At 1pm Elliott Faith Jensen was born and held in the hands of her sweet daddy. We were blessed to see our baby girl born alive and surrounded by love. Her daddy gave her a bath and we dressed her in a beautiful purple and white dress and wrapped her in a blanket. God was so gracious to give us an hour with her, the most important and most special hour of our lives.
She weighed 2lbs 11oz and was absolutely beautiful. She had a head full of hair and the most beautiful red lips and all of the nurses said she looked just like her daddy.
Our hearts our bursting with love for our sweet Elliott, our angel in heaven.
At 1pm Elliott Faith Jensen was born and held in the hands of her sweet daddy. We were blessed to see our baby girl born alive and surrounded by love. Her daddy gave her a bath and we dressed her in a beautiful purple and white dress and wrapped her in a blanket. God was so gracious to give us an hour with her, the most important and most special hour of our lives.
She weighed 2lbs 11oz and was absolutely beautiful. She had a head full of hair and the most beautiful red lips and all of the nurses said she looked just like her daddy.
Our hearts our bursting with love for our sweet Elliott, our angel in heaven.
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