Take away my anger

I never expected to feel so much anger. I expected to feel sadness, which I do in ways I can't even describe. But this anger that I feel is consuming me and I really don't like the person it is trying to turn me into. By nature I'm not an angry, or bitter, or a depressed person. I have my moments of jealousy (which are ugly and I can't believe I'm admitting them to everyone reading this), my insecurities and my fears and doubts; but I never knew I could be this angry.

I'm not angry at our doctors, I'm not angry at Joe or myself, I'm not angry at the pregnant women that I meet unexpectedly throughout my days and I'm certainly not angry at their precious babies.

I'm angry at God. I'm angry that he took my child away from me. I'm angry that my daughter died. I'm angry that I am struggling each and every day to find meaning to my life now that Elliott is gone. I'm angry that I am here without her. It's not natural to be here without her. I want to hold her, I want to kiss her, I want to change her diapers, I want to be exhausted all hours of my days from taking care of her and I want to smell her sweet baby smell.

Instead, all I have is her blanket which I sleep with some nights and bury my head in as I cry for her. I have her feet molds and her pictures and my memories - yet its just not enough.

I waited patiently for Elliott's birth certificate to arrive in the mail, only to find it stamped with the word Deceased. That feeling erupted inside of my that I've been trying to control, the elephant on my chest, the panic in my mind and the emptiness in my soul.

I'm trying so hard God, to praise you, to glorify you, but I am so angry. And, I don't want to be told that I can't be angry with God. I am and I think I have a right to be, because in just 4 short days it will be the two month anniversary of my daughter's birth and death.

But I do want this anger to go away. I want this bitterness to go away. I want this loneliness to go away. I want to forgive, I want to heal, I want to find hope again, and I want to find peace again.

I know I can overcome these things through God's word, through praise, obedience, faith and prayer. I started reading a new book called the Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. Each chapter is written about an area of your life showing you how to draw closer to God, know his plans and purpose for you life and receive comfort, help and strength - which I so desperately need.

I struggle with obedience, especially when I'm angry, especially now. But, this book is helping. I need to pray faithfully and I need to ask God to deliver me from this anger, from this depression, from this sadness and bitterness.

I don't follow the tv show 19 Kids and Counting, but I watched it Wednesday night and it was the episode where they find out that their child, a daughter, who they later named Jubilee Shalom has died. It was heartbreaking, the moment Michelle was told there was no heartbeat, she cried for her daughter, but she also praised God. She praised the God who gives and takes away. I was amazed by her strength and by her faith. She shared that in the three days she waited to deliver her daughter, she couldn't pray either. But she talked to her daughter, she wrote to her and she said those three days were the most precious time she had between her daughter and her.

After we learned of Elliott's complications I read a couple of books that were given to me. One is called I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith and the other is called Choosing To See, by MaryBeth Chapman. Both of these woman experience loss of a child and both of these woman are woman of faith. Their stories touch my heart because so much of what I feel they felt. It was hard to read their stories and very sad to think of another child dying. But I read them because they were stories of survival, stories of amazing strength and stories of faith and hope. I am so grateful to have been given those books.

I am so grateful for my loving husband, Joe. He is so strong, so driven, so confident, so loving and supportive. Each morning is so routine now, he wakes up before me to get ready for work and as I lay in bed I watch him and I admire him for his strength and I am thankful he is my husband. And he motivates me to get out of bed, usually with some teasing, but he's there for me and I hope I'm there for him.

I am so grateful for my mom and dad, and my family and friends. I'm grateful for the strangers reading my blog and praying for us.

I am grateful for Elliott. I love and miss her so very much.

Pretty pansies

Just for you my sweet Elliott, love mommy and Lynne. 

My storm

It happened and I wasn't ready.

I sat at my dining room table for hours this afternoon debating how to print Elliott's pictures. Should I use Shutterfly, Mpixs, etc or should I just jump into my car, drive down the road and print them at CVS. How many pictures should I print, should I print them all, should I print a few for now, what sizes, color or black and white, should I just print the 3.5x5 for the frame on Elliott's shelf that is still sitting empty.

I feel like I failed in so many ways.

And every time I look at the one frame in our bedroom that is still empty I feel like I've failed because there is no picture of Elliott in it.

I finally decide to go to CVS, and again I can't focus on what I"m doing which seems to be happening alot these days. I know it's part of the grief process but it makes me feel like I'm failing all over again, when the simplest tasks takes 3 times as long to complete because I can't focus.

I finally, after what feels like forever, make the decision to print just the one picture of Elliott that I really want right now. The 3.5x5 profile color picture to go in the frame in our room.

The photo kiosk is taking forever at this point too, taking too long to upload the pictures, getting stuck after I make the selection I want. There are two other customers using the kiosks next to me and I'm starting to feel anxious that they might ask me about my pictures.

The lady next to me finishes her order the same time I do and we both wait for our pictures to print. Mine has printed first but I didn't hear it and she goes to grab it and realizes its not hers. "Oh that's not mine, I don't have pictures like that anymore. Oh is that your baby?"

Yes.

"Your new baby?"

Yes

"Oh, how old?"

My eyes fill up with tears and I feel like my legs are going to collaps under me. I just don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to hear the words come out of my mouth.

She passed away.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." And she hugged me and said God bless you.  I sat back down on the chair and said thank you. It's ok. We're doing ok..... I lied. And I got up, paid for my picture and walked out.

I cried on the drive home, I cried in my car in my garage, and I cried inside my house and I cried even more when I realized I printed the picture wrong way. I needed it to be a profile picture and I printed it landscape.

Inside I just really want to scream, I am so angry right now. Angry that everytime I try to do something "normal" I am reminded that Elliott is gone, as if I need to be reminded. I go for a walk with my husband on Sunday, the first person we pass on the sidewalk is a lady pushing her baby in a stroller. Really God!

I go to the grocery store on Monday, I count 5 - yes 5 baby girls and 2 pregnant women. Thanks for that one too God!

Tuesday, I go back to the salon to get my hair cut a bit more and I have to sit and listen to two ladies talk about their pregnancies the entire time I'm there. Ok God, I really really don't know how much more of this I can take in one week.

And then, today happened. And now that I'm home, I'm angry that I didn't share with that lady about Elliott. I should have shown her the picture I printed and said yes, this is my daughter, Elliott Faith, isn't she beautiful.

I called my husband and cried to him. He came home early from work to be with me and he listened and he said it was ok. "It's ok that your just not ready."

Memories

The scrapbook I ordered arrived yesterday in the mail. No big surprise I went with purple. We have so many beautiful pictures of Elliott, our maternity photos, Elliott's ultrasound pictures and many quotes, poems and bible verses that were given to us as words of love, comfort and hope. I'm looking forward to spending alot of time on this project.

All Of Me

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close

To what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But give you all of me

Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness

Steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I'll share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment

It's too wonderful to speak 

You're worth all of me 

You're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

Written by Matt Hammitt.

This song was sung at Elliott's funeral..
The first time I heard it I felt like it was written just for Elliott, Joe and I. 

I pray everyday that Elliott knows how much I love her, how much I loved her while she was in my womb, even on those incredibly sad days where all I could do was sit and cry as I felt her kicks and knew the time would come all to soon when I wouldn't feel her. 

I pray she knows how hard her daddy fell in love with her the minute she was placed in his hands and how for the hour we had with her we did the best we could to show her our love. And how she holds the biggest place in our hearts and how much we will love her for the rest of our lives.   

I'll take the moon

Did anyone see how big and beautiful the moon was Saturday night?

I did and it grabbed my attention so quickly that it caused me to stop in mid conversation to Joe and say wow look at the moon. And this didn't occur during a random forgettable conversation. This happened as we were driving home from a friend's house and as I was fighting through the tears and the pain that we will never get to see our sweet Elliott dress up in princess dresses, squealing for our attention as she dances around in the living room like our friends daughters. It's in moments like these that life seems so incredibly unfair and I want so badly what everyone else has. I want to see my beautiful daughter twirling around and smiling as her mommy and daddy fall in love with her all over again.

As I sat next to Joe in the car and looked out the window at the moon, so big and so bright and so low in the sky it felt as though we could drive right to it had we turned left instead of right to go home, I felt a sense of peace and calmness come over me. I felt as though Elliott was right there with us and I felt comforted in a way I hadn't really felt before.

Joe and I will never get to do the things with Elliott that other families get to do with their children. And sometimes I think about those things when I'm home alone and sometimes I think about those things when I look at Joe and see Elliott. And sometimes I think about those things when I see other little girls or hear a crying baby in a restaurant but refuse to turn and look for fear I will end another great dinner with friends in tears..

I miss my sweet Elliott and I selfishly want her here with me and I constantly have to remind myself that God is good and that his ways are not always our ways.

Elliott may not be here with us dancing around, but she's in our hearts and she's such a big part of our lives and Saturday night I was reminded of that by one big, bright, beautiful moon....which kinda makes me laugh now as I write this and trust me this mama could really use a good laugh right about now. I've wondered if I would see Elliott in a dream and how I've hoped for that dream to be as clear and real as the day I met her.

But, I'll take the moon and I'll think of my sweet Elliott dancing her little heart out in Heaven with our Lord and Savior and I'll hope that she's got her daddy's rhythm over mine.  Joe can do a mean running man...

Cuddled in Heaven

We had so little time to share, Too soon, I had to leave. I know how much you love me. I know how much you grieve. I know how sharp your pain is, I feel the aching in your hearts. My life so quickly ended before it barely had a start. I remember how you held me, and kissed my face and hands. You cuddled me so gently, but God had other plans. I was your perfect angel from God you knew I came. Suddenly he called me home again, and now God holds my hand. I know you'll always miss me, I understand your pain is hard to bear. Just remember that I'm in heaven and we'll see each other there. So smile when you think of me and wipe away all your tears. I'm cuddled now in heaven by our family members here. I'm waiting here in heaven, and on the day we meet again, I'll be the first to smile and greet you, when God calls you home to him.


Some days I just don't have the words to express how incredibly sad I am, how empty my arms feels, how every second of the day I think about Elliott, how much I miss my sweet baby girl, how every waking moment I'm reminded that she is not here with us, how I have to dig so deep inside myself to find the strength to do something, anything normal to just get through the day...

So today, Friday..I will cry alot for my sweet Elliott, but I will also cling to the words in this poem, knowing she's in Heaven, knowing she's not alone, knowing she's looking down on Joe and I and knowing I will see her again one day.

But I have to say, on days like today I would give anything to hold her in my arms again.

Can you be a Mother

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked "What makes a mother?" and I heard Him say, "A mother has a baby." This we know is true."

But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?" "Yes you can," He replied with confidence in His voice. "I give many woman babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear. "I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and say..." "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, "mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet ones, you children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize your are a mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one."

Our family is growing...

We are sponsoring a child from Zambia. We will find out soon if this child is a boy or girl, along with more information and even some pictures of him or her.

We were blessed with this opportunity at church yesterday and without hesitation Joe and I said yes, along with thousands of other people, God is truly amazing!

Northridge church is partnering with World Vision and providing this opportunity to sponsor a child in an area that is severely affected by the HIV and AIDS crisis. Our funds will meet the needs of these children and minimize the impact of AIDS in the community through prevention and care programs.

To find our more information click on Northridge Church.

We hope Elliott will be proud of her mommy and daddy who miss her immensely! Love you baby girl!!

The 3rd is for Elliott

Proud mommy

We love you 

Proud daddy

Praying through my "new normal"

Monday
I went to the gym. Still recovering from the c-section, my OB advised me to take it slow and easy and begin with walking about 15 minutes on the treadmill.

It took me a few hours Monday morning to muster up enough courage to go back to the gym. What if someone asks if I've had my baby? This question consumes my thoughts anytime I leave the house. This and....do you have any children? So, I pulled a baseball cap down over my eyes, reconfirmed with my friend Mandy that she would be at the gym as well, exact time? exact location of the treadmill she would be on? And then I sat on my couch and prayed to God for the strength to take this baby step to my "new normal". I prayed in my car in the parking lot, God please give me the strength to keep myself together as I walk through the doors for the first time. God, please let it be someone else at the front desk today, not the woman I usually see who has asked when my due date is. I made it inside, made it to the locker room and quickly put my jacket and bag in the locker, grabbed my book, water bottle and headed up stairs to the treadmills, but not before I passed a lady on a chair in the locker room nursing her new baby. I felt my heart break and I felt that lump return to my throat, but I surprised myself when I glanced her way for a brief second and I prayed for the both of them. I prayed she was a happy mom and enjoyed her beautiful baby (boy or girl I didn't look hard enough to see), but I prayed that she would enjoy a lifetime of happiness with her child. And I continued on towards my goal for the day.

I found Mandy, I found my treadmill and I began to walk very slowly with my hat pulled down over my eyes and my nose in my book. But I didn't get too far into my reading before the news on the t.v. caught my attention. A school shooting in Ohio. I wanted to leave right then, I can't watch this now. I can't think about any more children dying, I can't think about the agonizing pain of their parents! So I started praying again, I prayed for the violence to stop, I prayed for the injured and I prayed for their families and I stayed on my treadmill, watching the scene unfolding on the news. I walked and I watched and I read my book, A Woman and Her God by Beth Moore and I prayed.

Tuesday
I invited a friend over for lunch. I love to cook and it was so nice to get back into the kitchen. Cooking is the one thing I've found that truly calms me down, clears my mind, brings me peace and feels therapeutic. For that half hour or hour while I'm cooking I think of nothing but the food I'm preparing and I love it. Lunch was successful and in the comfort of my own house I didn't need a baseball cap and the tears did come out, but that was ok. It was just Lynne and I, and we prayed again and she consoled me and I thanked her for all of her support.

Wednesday
Wednesday was filled with tears, frustration, anxiety, more prayers and finally acceptance that I had to tell some of my best friends from back home, I needed to postpone their scheduled visit for this weekend. Saturday will be the one month anniversary of loosing my sweet Elliott and I have no idea what that day will bring. Well, yes I do know what that day will bring and its something I can only share with Joe and the millions of parents out there who have walked in our shoes before.

I'm so grateful my friends understood, were supportive in me telling them I'm just not ready yet, the time is too soon and I'm so thankful they are my friends who I love dearly. Thank you girls.

Thursday
I had 6 inches cut off of my hair last night. I was introduced to my new hair stylist through my friend Mandy. Seeing a theme here....yes Mandy rocks, she gets me out of the house and taking those baby steps towards my new normal.

As I was sitting in the chair watching the long strips of hair fall to the ground my eyes fell upon three pictures of an adorable little boy. The sentences formed in my head "oh is that your son, he's adorable, how old is he?" and my heart was yelling no no, do not ask her that. What is she asks you. What if she asks you do you have any children? You'll have to say it out loud for the first time to a complete stranger and you'll have to do it as you look at yourself in the mirror and you'll have to continue to look at yourself as she finishes cutting your hair. So I avoided looking at the pictures and I didn't tell her how adorable her son is and I didn't tell her about our sweet angel in heaven. But to be honest, I think I wanted to tell her, not her in particular but someone. I think I just wanted to get the first time over with, to see how bad that sting would feel when I say the words, our daughter died. Would I even be able to finish the sentence, would I burst into tears, would she ask how or any other questions, and what would I say then.

I know that day is going to come eventually but until it does, all I can do is pray.

Today, another Friday
I think today I'm just going to get through the day and allow myself to feel the grief in whatever way it comes. My goals today will be to simply shower and get ready, clean up the house and order pizza for dinner and spend the evening with my best friend, Joe. I'll be praying for him today, that he has a good day at work and that we get through tomorrow together.