My storm

It happened and I wasn't ready.

I sat at my dining room table for hours this afternoon debating how to print Elliott's pictures. Should I use Shutterfly, Mpixs, etc or should I just jump into my car, drive down the road and print them at CVS. How many pictures should I print, should I print them all, should I print a few for now, what sizes, color or black and white, should I just print the 3.5x5 for the frame on Elliott's shelf that is still sitting empty.

I feel like I failed in so many ways.

And every time I look at the one frame in our bedroom that is still empty I feel like I've failed because there is no picture of Elliott in it.

I finally decide to go to CVS, and again I can't focus on what I"m doing which seems to be happening alot these days. I know it's part of the grief process but it makes me feel like I'm failing all over again, when the simplest tasks takes 3 times as long to complete because I can't focus.

I finally, after what feels like forever, make the decision to print just the one picture of Elliott that I really want right now. The 3.5x5 profile color picture to go in the frame in our room.

The photo kiosk is taking forever at this point too, taking too long to upload the pictures, getting stuck after I make the selection I want. There are two other customers using the kiosks next to me and I'm starting to feel anxious that they might ask me about my pictures.

The lady next to me finishes her order the same time I do and we both wait for our pictures to print. Mine has printed first but I didn't hear it and she goes to grab it and realizes its not hers. "Oh that's not mine, I don't have pictures like that anymore. Oh is that your baby?"

Yes.

"Your new baby?"

Yes

"Oh, how old?"

My eyes fill up with tears and I feel like my legs are going to collaps under me. I just don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to hear the words come out of my mouth.

She passed away.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." And she hugged me and said God bless you.  I sat back down on the chair and said thank you. It's ok. We're doing ok..... I lied. And I got up, paid for my picture and walked out.

I cried on the drive home, I cried in my car in my garage, and I cried inside my house and I cried even more when I realized I printed the picture wrong way. I needed it to be a profile picture and I printed it landscape.

Inside I just really want to scream, I am so angry right now. Angry that everytime I try to do something "normal" I am reminded that Elliott is gone, as if I need to be reminded. I go for a walk with my husband on Sunday, the first person we pass on the sidewalk is a lady pushing her baby in a stroller. Really God!

I go to the grocery store on Monday, I count 5 - yes 5 baby girls and 2 pregnant women. Thanks for that one too God!

Tuesday, I go back to the salon to get my hair cut a bit more and I have to sit and listen to two ladies talk about their pregnancies the entire time I'm there. Ok God, I really really don't know how much more of this I can take in one week.

And then, today happened. And now that I'm home, I'm angry that I didn't share with that lady about Elliott. I should have shown her the picture I printed and said yes, this is my daughter, Elliott Faith, isn't she beautiful.

I called my husband and cried to him. He came home early from work to be with me and he listened and he said it was ok. "It's ok that your just not ready."