I'll take the moon

Did anyone see how big and beautiful the moon was Saturday night?

I did and it grabbed my attention so quickly that it caused me to stop in mid conversation to Joe and say wow look at the moon. And this didn't occur during a random forgettable conversation. This happened as we were driving home from a friend's house and as I was fighting through the tears and the pain that we will never get to see our sweet Elliott dress up in princess dresses, squealing for our attention as she dances around in the living room like our friends daughters. It's in moments like these that life seems so incredibly unfair and I want so badly what everyone else has. I want to see my beautiful daughter twirling around and smiling as her mommy and daddy fall in love with her all over again.

As I sat next to Joe in the car and looked out the window at the moon, so big and so bright and so low in the sky it felt as though we could drive right to it had we turned left instead of right to go home, I felt a sense of peace and calmness come over me. I felt as though Elliott was right there with us and I felt comforted in a way I hadn't really felt before.

Joe and I will never get to do the things with Elliott that other families get to do with their children. And sometimes I think about those things when I'm home alone and sometimes I think about those things when I look at Joe and see Elliott. And sometimes I think about those things when I see other little girls or hear a crying baby in a restaurant but refuse to turn and look for fear I will end another great dinner with friends in tears..

I miss my sweet Elliott and I selfishly want her here with me and I constantly have to remind myself that God is good and that his ways are not always our ways.

Elliott may not be here with us dancing around, but she's in our hearts and she's such a big part of our lives and Saturday night I was reminded of that by one big, bright, beautiful moon....which kinda makes me laugh now as I write this and trust me this mama could really use a good laugh right about now. I've wondered if I would see Elliott in a dream and how I've hoped for that dream to be as clear and real as the day I met her.

But, I'll take the moon and I'll think of my sweet Elliott dancing her little heart out in Heaven with our Lord and Savior and I'll hope that she's got her daddy's rhythm over mine.  Joe can do a mean running man...