I'm not angry at our doctors, I'm not angry at Joe or myself, I'm not angry at the pregnant women that I meet unexpectedly throughout my days and I'm certainly not angry at their precious babies.
I'm angry at God. I'm angry that he took my child away from me. I'm angry that my daughter died. I'm angry that I am struggling each and every day to find meaning to my life now that Elliott is gone. I'm angry that I am here without her. It's not natural to be here without her. I want to hold her, I want to kiss her, I want to change her diapers, I want to be exhausted all hours of my days from taking care of her and I want to smell her sweet baby smell.
Instead, all I have is her blanket which I sleep with some nights and bury my head in as I cry for her. I have her feet molds and her pictures and my memories - yet its just not enough.
I waited patiently for Elliott's birth certificate to arrive in the mail, only to find it stamped with the word Deceased. That feeling erupted inside of my that I've been trying to control, the elephant on my chest, the panic in my mind and the emptiness in my soul.
I'm trying so hard God, to praise you, to glorify you, but I am so angry. And, I don't want to be told that I can't be angry with God. I am and I think I have a right to be, because in just 4 short days it will be the two month anniversary of my daughter's birth and death.
But I do want this anger to go away. I want this bitterness to go away. I want this loneliness to go away. I want to forgive, I want to heal, I want to find hope again, and I want to find peace again.
I know I can overcome these things through God's word, through praise, obedience, faith and prayer. I started reading a new book called the Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. Each chapter is written about an area of your life showing you how to draw closer to God, know his plans and purpose for you life and receive comfort, help and strength - which I so desperately need.
I struggle with obedience, especially when I'm angry, especially now. But, this book is helping. I need to pray faithfully and I need to ask God to deliver me from this anger, from this depression, from this sadness and bitterness.
I don't follow the tv show 19 Kids and Counting, but I watched it Wednesday night and it was the episode where they find out that their child, a daughter, who they later named Jubilee Shalom has died. It was heartbreaking, the moment Michelle was told there was no heartbeat, she cried for her daughter, but she also praised God. She praised the God who gives and takes away. I was amazed by her strength and by her faith. She shared that in the three days she waited to deliver her daughter, she couldn't pray either. But she talked to her daughter, she wrote to her and she said those three days were the most precious time she had between her daughter and her.
After we learned of Elliott's complications I read a couple of books that were given to me. One is called I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith and the other is called Choosing To See, by MaryBeth Chapman. Both of these woman experience loss of a child and both of these woman are woman of faith. Their stories touch my heart because so much of what I feel they felt. It was hard to read their stories and very sad to think of another child dying. But I read them because they were stories of survival, stories of amazing strength and stories of faith and hope. I am so grateful to have been given those books.
I am so grateful for my loving husband, Joe. He is so strong, so driven, so confident, so loving and supportive. Each morning is so routine now, he wakes up before me to get ready for work and as I lay in bed I watch him and I admire him for his strength and I am thankful he is my husband. And he motivates me to get out of bed, usually with some teasing, but he's there for me and I hope I'm there for him.
I am so grateful for my mom and dad, and my family and friends. I'm grateful for the strangers reading my blog and praying for us.
I am grateful for Elliott. I love and miss her so very much.
I know we talked about it before but I did love Mary Beth Chapmens book Choosing to See. I saw this quote from her "but I've really wrestled with God. And when we lost our daughter, I had some anger to deal with. I was shaking my fist at God: Okay, you created me. You created the anger. I'm tenacious. I'm competitive. And I'm really mad, and you're going to have to answer some tough questions and bring me back to this place of knowing that you are a good God when bad things happen. But, man, it was a really difficult journey. And still is." I post this to remind you that these great women who have written these books that are so inspiring about faith, trust and hope in times of great loss have been where you are. She is a godly woman who openly shows that she was angry with God. I believe that you are no different than any of these ladies and that you are just as inspiring as any of them. You could have turned your back on God and you haven't....hard as it may be you are seeking Him. I am going to pray specifically for God to help take away your anger and give you the strength you need to face each day.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it is to take, this is a normal reaction. When I lost my best friend, I screamed at God...I told Him it isn't fair! He doesn't belong to you! He belongs with us! Give him back! I had never been out right angry with God before that day, and I couldn't imagine what could happen to make someone mad at God until it happened to me. Let out your anger, yell at God, tell Him how angry you are, and when you have nothing left to give, all the anger has been put out there, let His love envelop you. I'm sure all of my posts are coming so late that they have little importance, but I feel good talking about this, I like feeling as though I may be helping you. A perfect stranger helping another perfect stranger, it makes my own sadness seem to have a purpose. And there is nothing to be ashamed of in forgetting things, as soon as Jeff died, my memory turned to crap...and almost five years later it's STILL not where it was before. I struggle with words, and remembering things I'm asked to do, but it does get better. With time things will be better, they will never be perfect and never the same, but you'll learn a new normal, a new way of coping. I hope this helps at least a little. You will always be in my prayers.
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