Monday
I went to the gym. Still recovering from the c-section, my OB advised me to take it slow and easy and begin with walking about 15 minutes on the treadmill.
It took me a few hours Monday morning to muster up enough courage to go back to the gym. What if someone asks if I've had my baby? This question consumes my thoughts anytime I leave the house. This and....do you have any children? So, I pulled a baseball cap down over my eyes, reconfirmed with my friend Mandy that she would be at the gym as well, exact time? exact location of the treadmill she would be on? And then I sat on my couch and prayed to God for the strength to take this baby step to my "new normal". I prayed in my car in the parking lot, God please give me the strength to keep myself together as I walk through the doors for the first time. God, please let it be someone else at the front desk today, not the woman I usually see who has asked when my due date is. I made it inside, made it to the locker room and quickly put my jacket and bag in the locker, grabbed my book, water bottle and headed up stairs to the treadmills, but not before I passed a lady on a chair in the locker room nursing her new baby. I felt my heart break and I felt that lump return to my throat, but I surprised myself when I glanced her way for a brief second and I prayed for the both of them. I prayed she was a happy mom and enjoyed her beautiful baby (boy or girl I didn't look hard enough to see), but I prayed that she would enjoy a lifetime of happiness with her child. And I continued on towards my goal for the day.
I found Mandy, I found my treadmill and I began to walk very slowly with my hat pulled down over my eyes and my nose in my book. But I didn't get too far into my reading before the news on the t.v. caught my attention. A school shooting in Ohio. I wanted to leave right then, I can't watch this now. I can't think about any more children dying, I can't think about the agonizing pain of their parents! So I started praying again, I prayed for the violence to stop, I prayed for the injured and I prayed for their families and I stayed on my treadmill, watching the scene unfolding on the news. I walked and I watched and I read my book, A Woman and Her God by Beth Moore and I prayed.
Tuesday
I invited a friend over for lunch. I love to cook and it was so nice to get back into the kitchen. Cooking is the one thing I've found that truly calms me down, clears my mind, brings me peace and feels therapeutic. For that half hour or hour while I'm cooking I think of nothing but the food I'm preparing and I love it. Lunch was successful and in the comfort of my own house I didn't need a baseball cap and the tears did come out, but that was ok. It was just Lynne and I, and we prayed again and she consoled me and I thanked her for all of her support.
Wednesday
Wednesday was filled with tears, frustration, anxiety, more prayers and finally acceptance that I had to tell some of my best friends from back home, I needed to postpone their scheduled visit for this weekend. Saturday will be the one month anniversary of loosing my sweet Elliott and I have no idea what that day will bring. Well, yes I do know what that day will bring and its something I can only share with Joe and the millions of parents out there who have walked in our shoes before.
I'm so grateful my friends understood, were supportive in me telling them I'm just not ready yet, the time is too soon and I'm so thankful they are my friends who I love dearly. Thank you girls.
Thursday
I had 6 inches cut off of my hair last night. I was introduced to my new hair stylist through my friend Mandy. Seeing a theme here....yes Mandy rocks, she gets me out of the house and taking those baby steps towards my new normal.
As I was sitting in the chair watching the long strips of hair fall to the ground my eyes fell upon three pictures of an adorable little boy. The sentences formed in my head "oh is that your son, he's adorable, how old is he?" and my heart was yelling no no, do not ask her that. What is she asks you. What if she asks you do you have any children? You'll have to say it out loud for the first time to a complete stranger and you'll have to do it as you look at yourself in the mirror and you'll have to continue to look at yourself as she finishes cutting your hair. So I avoided looking at the pictures and I didn't tell her how adorable her son is and I didn't tell her about our sweet angel in heaven. But to be honest, I think I wanted to tell her, not her in particular but someone. I think I just wanted to get the first time over with, to see how bad that sting would feel when I say the words, our daughter died. Would I even be able to finish the sentence, would I burst into tears, would she ask how or any other questions, and what would I say then.
I know that day is going to come eventually but until it does, all I can do is pray.
Today, another Friday
I think today I'm just going to get through the day and allow myself to feel the grief in whatever way it comes. My goals today will be to simply shower and get ready, clean up the house and order pizza for dinner and spend the evening with my best friend, Joe. I'll be praying for him today, that he has a good day at work and that we get through tomorrow together.
Kim and Joe
ReplyDeleteThe strength you find every day within yourselves and with God is truly amazing. He will help you through this weekend and tomorrow, and every day after. Your new normal will get easier eventually, and even as you struggle you still pray for others...you are an amazing person Kim.
Tomorrow your sweet baby girl is 1 month old, and while the pain of losing her is so strong, try to remember the precious hour you had with her. She is with you every day, and tomorrow we will celebrate her life, and continue to pray for your healing. We love you both, and know that tomorrow you and Joe will comfort each other while remembering your sweet beautiful daughter.
Love Jordan and Abbie
You are amazing. sometimes, i dont know why, but i imagine my life without my son and I start to cry and get this heavy feeling in my heart and a lump in my throat. It's only for a few seconds, so to completely understand what you're going through all the time is just not possible but I feel the same pain that you describe when I read your words on trying to adjust to this new life you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for going to the gym and staying healthy, that is important you continue to do that, not only will you physically feel better but mentally your thoughts are clearer and it can be very theropedic. also, watching the news is always depressing, i prayed for those ohio kids as well and bawled like crazy. its a messed up world.
I think as much as it hurts you, be proud to say you have an angel baby, no matter how awkward it might make the person asking feel or how bad that first sting might be. be proud mama!
although, you prefer her to be here in your arms right now, god had other plans for her. She gets to grow up in heaven and run around and be free. She wont ever have to know the hurt and pain we all feel in our lives as we grow older. she knows of the purest love you guys gave her for an hour and thats all she needed to be one of god's perfect angels.
i wish you the best. and i pray that god sends you another child. i know it could never replace her or the pain of loss, but you deserve to be happy and you are such a wonderful mom already.. god bless!
You truly are a woman of strength. I'm amazed at the strength/courage you have to get through your "new normal" and your relationship with God. When you think or feel you can't do it, you immediately pray to God to give you the courage/strength to do what ever it is you need to accomplish and you manage to get thruogh it, no matter how difficult.
ReplyDeleteSeeing the pictures of Elliott, made my heart ache and the tears immediately started to fall. She looked so sweet, innocent, and beautiful. Elliott was truly blessed to have such wonderful and loving parents. She will never forget the love you gave her and continue to give her. My God continue to guide you and give you the strength you need when you need it the most. Keeping you and Joe in my thoughts and prayers. Love you guys, MJH
I think God gave you Elliott to open your hearts. After such a loss, any children yet to arrive will be seen as so much more of a blessing. Parents adore their babies, but sometimes after lack of sleep, and constant crying, their excitement may wane, but for both of you, every cry, every coo, every snuggle will be that much more precious because of the loss you experienced. You are both so strong, and so wonderful. I feel privileged to be able to enter into this most private place with you, Joe, and Elliott. God bless you all.
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