Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Last night
Last night Joe placed his hand on my belly and was able to feel Elliott kicking. It was a really sweet moment. I hope she knows how much we love her.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thanksgiving weekend
Joe and I had a very nice time with his family during the long Thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving with the Nelms family is always comprised of many of people (family and friends) & their pets, delicious food, games and hilarious stories, hugs, kisses and many good laughs. I always enjoy getting together with everyone and catching up on what's going on in their lives.
I was a bit nervous to see everyone, I didn't want to see anyone hurting over what Joe and I are going through. Everyone was incredibly supportive, loving and kind to us, especially when asking any questions.
There seems to be a trend in how I'm handling things or feeling throughout these days. I usually get about 2 or 3 good days in of being strong and positive and busy and then mental and emotional exhaustion sets in and I break down. That day came on Saturday. It doesn't seem to matter what the day is like itself because Saturday was a nice relaxing day, but inside I'm an emotional wreck. Another reason why I love Joe so much, he gets it and he just hugs me and lets this time be as it needs to be.
Here's the first belly picture of me at 21 weeks. It's a bit blurry and I wasn't paying much attention but I thought I'd go ahead and add it in.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
20 week appointment
(November 20, 2011)
I met a new OB at this appointment, Dr. N. The only male OB on staff, and another very nice dr. This appointment was just an office visit, no ultrasound today. He started the appointment by asking me how I was doing and I said we're hanging in there. I felt a little nervous and like I needed to explain my reason for being there and stand up for why I believe in continuing this pregnancy but that was all self induced worry. Just like the rest of the OBs and specialist we've seen, he was kind and considerate and made it very obvious that he was there as our doctor and was going to devote his time to us just like he would for a normal, healthy pregnancy.
H asked how I was feeling since Thursday's ER visit and I told him the cramping was still continuing. He did a few checks and said it's just the normal stretching of the ligaments and it's normal to feel cramping and pressure.
I had a few questions I wanted to ask, trying to prepare myself for what's to come. I wanted to know if I will be able to deliver naturally or will require a c-section. He told me that as long as things go well and there is no health risk to me, I will be able to deliver naturally. I also asked about getting induced? I was thinking about our due date, April 6th and my sister's due date a week later and then our wedding anniversary, April 30th. So many special dates, so close together. I wanted to know if I could be induced a few days earlier, maybe at the end of March. In my head it just seemed like it might make things easier to handle if the due date wasn't in April. Again, Dr. N. kindly explained that inducing early could cause some health risks to me. He understood what I was getting at, but then asked me if moving up the date a few days would really help us deal with things. Of course not, it doesn't matter what day this falls on, it's still going to be the day we have to say goodbye.
At one point during the appointment, I started asking Dr. N. what our options were after delivery. Our specialist Dr. F. had already discussed our situation with the NICU doctors and pediatric specialist and was told that only comfort care would be offered to Elliott. With so many major complications, surgeries were not an option. Joe and I agreed with the doctors as well. Whatever amount of time we may have with Elliott we want it to be in our arms, surrounded by family. I wanted to get Dr. N. opinion on this and he expressed the same concern that Dr. F. had. It's not easy to think about these things let alone say them out loud. You want so much to hear something can be done for your baby. This is the part that I fight with myself so much on. Knowing that we may not get any time with Elliott or just a few minutes or hours eats away at me and I ask over and over if I'm making the right decision. Despite understanding the medical side of things, I do know in my heart this is the right decision. This is our daughter and whatever life she has is a life of purpose. God has a plan for everyone, Elliott may not be here with us long but we will have an eternity with her in heaven. Our beautiful daughter.
I've asked for an ultrasound with each appointment from this point on. I think it's important to see how things are going and understand Elliott's conditions for myself and Joe. Our next appointment is scheduled for 4 weeks out.
I met a new OB at this appointment, Dr. N. The only male OB on staff, and another very nice dr. This appointment was just an office visit, no ultrasound today. He started the appointment by asking me how I was doing and I said we're hanging in there. I felt a little nervous and like I needed to explain my reason for being there and stand up for why I believe in continuing this pregnancy but that was all self induced worry. Just like the rest of the OBs and specialist we've seen, he was kind and considerate and made it very obvious that he was there as our doctor and was going to devote his time to us just like he would for a normal, healthy pregnancy.
H asked how I was feeling since Thursday's ER visit and I told him the cramping was still continuing. He did a few checks and said it's just the normal stretching of the ligaments and it's normal to feel cramping and pressure.
I had a few questions I wanted to ask, trying to prepare myself for what's to come. I wanted to know if I will be able to deliver naturally or will require a c-section. He told me that as long as things go well and there is no health risk to me, I will be able to deliver naturally. I also asked about getting induced? I was thinking about our due date, April 6th and my sister's due date a week later and then our wedding anniversary, April 30th. So many special dates, so close together. I wanted to know if I could be induced a few days earlier, maybe at the end of March. In my head it just seemed like it might make things easier to handle if the due date wasn't in April. Again, Dr. N. kindly explained that inducing early could cause some health risks to me. He understood what I was getting at, but then asked me if moving up the date a few days would really help us deal with things. Of course not, it doesn't matter what day this falls on, it's still going to be the day we have to say goodbye.
At one point during the appointment, I started asking Dr. N. what our options were after delivery. Our specialist Dr. F. had already discussed our situation with the NICU doctors and pediatric specialist and was told that only comfort care would be offered to Elliott. With so many major complications, surgeries were not an option. Joe and I agreed with the doctors as well. Whatever amount of time we may have with Elliott we want it to be in our arms, surrounded by family. I wanted to get Dr. N. opinion on this and he expressed the same concern that Dr. F. had. It's not easy to think about these things let alone say them out loud. You want so much to hear something can be done for your baby. This is the part that I fight with myself so much on. Knowing that we may not get any time with Elliott or just a few minutes or hours eats away at me and I ask over and over if I'm making the right decision. Despite understanding the medical side of things, I do know in my heart this is the right decision. This is our daughter and whatever life she has is a life of purpose. God has a plan for everyone, Elliott may not be here with us long but we will have an eternity with her in heaven. Our beautiful daughter.
I've asked for an ultrasound with each appointment from this point on. I think it's important to see how things are going and understand Elliott's conditions for myself and Joe. Our next appointment is scheduled for 4 weeks out.
I can feel her kicking
(November 17, 2011)
I stayed a week in Illinois after my sister had her baby. Those days were long and I know I wasn't eating or taking it as easy as I should have been and I started having alot of cramping and pressure. I figured it was from the long days so I didn't really complain much. One night at my parents house after a long day at the hospital I was sitting in a chair in the living room trying to relax and relieve some of the cramping when I thought I felt some fluttering. I wasn't really sure what it was but could feel it over and over. For a brief second I thought maybe it was Elliott kicking but pushed that consideration out of my mind as I then thought about all of the complications with her spine. How can she possibly be kicking?
Driving back home to Michigan the following day the cramping continued to get worse. My OB's office called to remind me of an appointment I had the following Monday and I told the nurse how I was feeling. Concern over what could be happening and the fact that it was approaching 5pm (close of office hours) my OB told me to go to the emergency room. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going in to pre-term labor. Luckily I was about 30 minutes from one of the hospitals we go to and I was able to make it there soon. Joe met me there and we heading in to the ER. After about an hour of questions and monitoring, I was able to go home. No pre-term labor and no real signs of dehydration. Everything looked good and since I already had an appointment with my OB the following Monday, the nurse didn't see any reason to keep me there.
I felt a bit ridiculous since nothing was wrong, but I guess better to be safe than sorry. One amazing thing we were able to take away from the evening was that yes, Elliott is moving and kicking. The RN was checking on Elliott's heart rate and asked me if I had felt any movements yet. We had already explained Elliott's condition so she was aware of it. However, when the RN put the monitor on me for Elliott's heart rate she smiled and said, "well, she's moving around just fine in there, all of that loud background noise is her moving."
This was so amazing to hear. I really didn't think it was possible, especially after three ultrasound appointments where Elliott hadn't moved at all.
Now, when I feel her kick and move I don't think about all of her complications. I just sit and enjoy it.
I stayed a week in Illinois after my sister had her baby. Those days were long and I know I wasn't eating or taking it as easy as I should have been and I started having alot of cramping and pressure. I figured it was from the long days so I didn't really complain much. One night at my parents house after a long day at the hospital I was sitting in a chair in the living room trying to relax and relieve some of the cramping when I thought I felt some fluttering. I wasn't really sure what it was but could feel it over and over. For a brief second I thought maybe it was Elliott kicking but pushed that consideration out of my mind as I then thought about all of the complications with her spine. How can she possibly be kicking?
Driving back home to Michigan the following day the cramping continued to get worse. My OB's office called to remind me of an appointment I had the following Monday and I told the nurse how I was feeling. Concern over what could be happening and the fact that it was approaching 5pm (close of office hours) my OB told me to go to the emergency room. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going in to pre-term labor. Luckily I was about 30 minutes from one of the hospitals we go to and I was able to make it there soon. Joe met me there and we heading in to the ER. After about an hour of questions and monitoring, I was able to go home. No pre-term labor and no real signs of dehydration. Everything looked good and since I already had an appointment with my OB the following Monday, the nurse didn't see any reason to keep me there.
I felt a bit ridiculous since nothing was wrong, but I guess better to be safe than sorry. One amazing thing we were able to take away from the evening was that yes, Elliott is moving and kicking. The RN was checking on Elliott's heart rate and asked me if I had felt any movements yet. We had already explained Elliott's condition so she was aware of it. However, when the RN put the monitor on me for Elliott's heart rate she smiled and said, "well, she's moving around just fine in there, all of that loud background noise is her moving."
This was so amazing to hear. I really didn't think it was possible, especially after three ultrasound appointments where Elliott hadn't moved at all.
Now, when I feel her kick and move I don't think about all of her complications. I just sit and enjoy it.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Finding joy in other's happiness
(November, 2011)
The first weekend in November we attended our good friend's son's birthday party. The morning of the party we went shopping for gifts and I remember walking through the isles with Joe. I started feeling sad but the store was busy so I pushed out the feelings. I wish we could pick up something for our baby. As we walked to the car I asked Joe if it was hard for him to look at all of the baby stuff. He said no, because he didn't really equate the two. Today we were buying gifts for two adorable, precious kids and today was a day of happiness and celebration. I love Joe's positive attitude. From that moment on, I decided to believe in the same. Despite what we are going through it is ok to be happy for our family and friends.
On November 11, 2011 my sister delivered a beautiful healthy 8lb, 20 inches long sweet baby boy with a head full of hair. I originally didn't think I could make it home but I did and I am so happy I was there to be with her and meet my new nephew. It was amazing watching my sister become a new mommy during those first few days. And it was even more amazing to see her son. I got to hold him alot and liked to hold him out in front of me so I could look at his face. So much hair, eyes that look just like Jen's, a tiny nose and mouth and the chubbiest cheeks. My favorite thing to do was tickle his cheeks with my finger and watch all of the sweet expressions his face made. I would just look at him and think, wow, I have so so much love for this little guy and I'm just his aunt. I can only imagine how Jen feels at his mother. I'm so happy for her.
During those days at the hospital I had to face alot of realities as well. I stood outside the nursery and watched as the doctors examined all of the babies and I couldn't help but think of our Elliott and all of the complications she has. I thought about how I will go in to the hospital like every other pregnant woman does but I will not leave the same. It was a very emotional and difficult time for me but one I will never regret. I'm so thankful my sister allowed me to be a part of it. I was still able to see and feel the joy and happiness of being a new mommy and I hope someday in the future I will be able to experience what it is really supposed to be like. Jen gave me hope for that.
The first weekend in November we attended our good friend's son's birthday party. The morning of the party we went shopping for gifts and I remember walking through the isles with Joe. I started feeling sad but the store was busy so I pushed out the feelings. I wish we could pick up something for our baby. As we walked to the car I asked Joe if it was hard for him to look at all of the baby stuff. He said no, because he didn't really equate the two. Today we were buying gifts for two adorable, precious kids and today was a day of happiness and celebration. I love Joe's positive attitude. From that moment on, I decided to believe in the same. Despite what we are going through it is ok to be happy for our family and friends.
On November 11, 2011 my sister delivered a beautiful healthy 8lb, 20 inches long sweet baby boy with a head full of hair. I originally didn't think I could make it home but I did and I am so happy I was there to be with her and meet my new nephew. It was amazing watching my sister become a new mommy during those first few days. And it was even more amazing to see her son. I got to hold him alot and liked to hold him out in front of me so I could look at his face. So much hair, eyes that look just like Jen's, a tiny nose and mouth and the chubbiest cheeks. My favorite thing to do was tickle his cheeks with my finger and watch all of the sweet expressions his face made. I would just look at him and think, wow, I have so so much love for this little guy and I'm just his aunt. I can only imagine how Jen feels at his mother. I'm so happy for her.
During those days at the hospital I had to face alot of realities as well. I stood outside the nursery and watched as the doctors examined all of the babies and I couldn't help but think of our Elliott and all of the complications she has. I thought about how I will go in to the hospital like every other pregnant woman does but I will not leave the same. It was a very emotional and difficult time for me but one I will never regret. I'm so thankful my sister allowed me to be a part of it. I was still able to see and feel the joy and happiness of being a new mommy and I hope someday in the future I will be able to experience what it is really supposed to be like. Jen gave me hope for that.
Not ready to say goodbye
(November, 2011)
We received the 2nd test results and they came back normal as well. No diagnosis.
Dr. F said this could happen along with the second specialist. He said this occurs as the chromosomes fold and fold and fold millions of times on themselves developing the baby. We heard several times, it's just a fluke thing that happens. "Just a fluke thing" - That doesn't even come close to answering all of our questions. However, all of the doctors have made Joe and I feel very confident that if and when ready we can have a healthy pregnancy one day. They truly don't think this is genetic due to the vast number of anomalies and complications.
I'm not ready to say good bye, we are so far along, I'm almost 18 weeks now. We've heard the baby's heart beat over and over. And at this point, we have found out through the amnio test that our baby is a little girl. I think about all of the precious little girls in my family right now; my niece, my cousin's daughters, my friend's new little girls. How much fun would it have been to have our daughter so close to all of them. I would have loved to dress her up in pretty dresses and put her hair in braids and bows. Joe would have been such a protective and loving daddy to her too.
Oh how angry and sad I am. This is going to be a tough tough road ahead and one filled with many doubts. I'm terrified of what lies ahead and how we will get through this. Its already a road filled with good and bad days. Days where Joe and I laugh and joke and be ourselves like everything is perfectly normal. Days where we cry and feel the loss we know is coming. Days where I'm proud to show my belly off and want to talk about our daughter and days I hide out at home in my pjs because its too hard to see that growing belly. Back in October for Halloween we were at a cookout with friends. One of my friends said to me she's praying for a miracle. I stopped in my tracks and realized that I haven't once prayed for a miracle. Does this make me a bad person, a doubtful person or a realist. I guess its from numerous appointments hearing the bad news over and over that I haven't prayed for a miracle.
We received the 2nd test results and they came back normal as well. No diagnosis.
Dr. F said this could happen along with the second specialist. He said this occurs as the chromosomes fold and fold and fold millions of times on themselves developing the baby. We heard several times, it's just a fluke thing that happens. "Just a fluke thing" - That doesn't even come close to answering all of our questions. However, all of the doctors have made Joe and I feel very confident that if and when ready we can have a healthy pregnancy one day. They truly don't think this is genetic due to the vast number of anomalies and complications.
I'm not ready to say good bye, we are so far along, I'm almost 18 weeks now. We've heard the baby's heart beat over and over. And at this point, we have found out through the amnio test that our baby is a little girl. I think about all of the precious little girls in my family right now; my niece, my cousin's daughters, my friend's new little girls. How much fun would it have been to have our daughter so close to all of them. I would have loved to dress her up in pretty dresses and put her hair in braids and bows. Joe would have been such a protective and loving daddy to her too.
Oh how angry and sad I am. This is going to be a tough tough road ahead and one filled with many doubts. I'm terrified of what lies ahead and how we will get through this. Its already a road filled with good and bad days. Days where Joe and I laugh and joke and be ourselves like everything is perfectly normal. Days where we cry and feel the loss we know is coming. Days where I'm proud to show my belly off and want to talk about our daughter and days I hide out at home in my pjs because its too hard to see that growing belly. Back in October for Halloween we were at a cookout with friends. One of my friends said to me she's praying for a miracle. I stopped in my tracks and realized that I haven't once prayed for a miracle. Does this make me a bad person, a doubtful person or a realist. I guess its from numerous appointments hearing the bad news over and over that I haven't prayed for a miracle.
The days to follow
3 days later we learned that first test results called the FISH Test came back normal. This ruled out Downsydrome and Trisomy 13 & 18.
The rest of the chromosomes were to be tested and those results we would receive in 14 days. During those two weeks we experienced a million different emotions. We called the specialist Dr. F. referred us to and met him for a consultation. I so desperately wanted another ultrasound and for him to tell us it was all a big mistake, your baby is perfectly fine. He didn't offer us an ultrasound. I guess by his medical background, the medical reports and scans he received from Dr. F., he didn't see it necessary. And, honestly, I'm wasn't surprised.
He did however share in greater detail the medical reports. I asked for a copy because I wanted to see it myself. The list of complications went on and on and on. Everything was wrong. He then proceeded to tell us that by law he was required to describe the procedure to terminate. As we left that appointment I thought I had made a decision. My head was agreeing with the doctors and it just didn't make any sense to us to continue. But I made sure the appointment fell after the 2nd results of the amnio came back. Maybe a diagnosis would help me understand and change my mind.
It was during those few weeks that things began to change for me. We had shared the news with many of our family members and friends and started receiving cards, advice and love which we greatly appreciated. I was struggling immensly with the decision we were faced with. This is such a personal decision and I am not here to judge other women for their decision or make some grand statement about ours. Every family is different, every decision is different.
I am a Christian, have grown so much in my personal walk with God especially this past year and had recently been baptized (along with Joe) at our new church in Michigan. However, I am so so angry at God right now. How can he put us through this! HOW! WHY! Despite all of my anger I constantly keep finding myself going back to God's will. I keep thinking about how much faith I have in him and if I truly do, I need to have faith that while he may not in this life heal our baby he will give us the strength to get through this.
I am so angry at God right now that despite feeling such strong conviction to lay this in his hand and obey him I just don't have the strength to talk to him right now. Prayers from family and friends are so needed right now because most days I just don't have it in me to pray, I'm so angry.
One day I read a letter from a family member who had lost her baby and her words helped me to see things in a completely different way. She shared a little bit about their experience but mostly focused on how she's dealing with things today. She writes to her son in a journal and keeps him very much a part of their family. He is forever their little angel. Just those three points where life changing for me. While we may never know baby Elliott here on earth, Joe and I will one day meet our precious daughter. I so desperately want to keep her a part of our family and how better to do that then accept things for what they are, put this all in God's hands and love every minute and day we have with her as she grows in my belly.
The rest of the chromosomes were to be tested and those results we would receive in 14 days. During those two weeks we experienced a million different emotions. We called the specialist Dr. F. referred us to and met him for a consultation. I so desperately wanted another ultrasound and for him to tell us it was all a big mistake, your baby is perfectly fine. He didn't offer us an ultrasound. I guess by his medical background, the medical reports and scans he received from Dr. F., he didn't see it necessary. And, honestly, I'm wasn't surprised.
He did however share in greater detail the medical reports. I asked for a copy because I wanted to see it myself. The list of complications went on and on and on. Everything was wrong. He then proceeded to tell us that by law he was required to describe the procedure to terminate. As we left that appointment I thought I had made a decision. My head was agreeing with the doctors and it just didn't make any sense to us to continue. But I made sure the appointment fell after the 2nd results of the amnio came back. Maybe a diagnosis would help me understand and change my mind.
It was during those few weeks that things began to change for me. We had shared the news with many of our family members and friends and started receiving cards, advice and love which we greatly appreciated. I was struggling immensly with the decision we were faced with. This is such a personal decision and I am not here to judge other women for their decision or make some grand statement about ours. Every family is different, every decision is different.
I am a Christian, have grown so much in my personal walk with God especially this past year and had recently been baptized (along with Joe) at our new church in Michigan. However, I am so so angry at God right now. How can he put us through this! HOW! WHY! Despite all of my anger I constantly keep finding myself going back to God's will. I keep thinking about how much faith I have in him and if I truly do, I need to have faith that while he may not in this life heal our baby he will give us the strength to get through this.
I am so angry at God right now that despite feeling such strong conviction to lay this in his hand and obey him I just don't have the strength to talk to him right now. Prayers from family and friends are so needed right now because most days I just don't have it in me to pray, I'm so angry.
One day I read a letter from a family member who had lost her baby and her words helped me to see things in a completely different way. She shared a little bit about their experience but mostly focused on how she's dealing with things today. She writes to her son in a journal and keeps him very much a part of their family. He is forever their little angel. Just those three points where life changing for me. While we may never know baby Elliott here on earth, Joe and I will one day meet our precious daughter. I so desperately want to keep her a part of our family and how better to do that then accept things for what they are, put this all in God's hands and love every minute and day we have with her as she grows in my belly.
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