The days to follow

3 days later we learned that first test results called the FISH Test came back normal. This ruled out Downsydrome and Trisomy 13 & 18.

The rest of the chromosomes were to be tested and those results we would receive in 14 days. During those two weeks we experienced a million different emotions. We called the specialist Dr. F. referred us to and met him for a consultation. I so desperately wanted another ultrasound and for him to tell us it was all a big mistake, your baby is perfectly fine. He didn't offer us an ultrasound. I guess by his medical background, the medical reports and scans he received from Dr. F., he didn't see it necessary. And, honestly, I'm wasn't surprised.

He did however share in greater detail the medical reports. I asked for a copy because I wanted to see it myself. The list of complications went on and on and on. Everything was wrong. He then proceeded to tell us that by law he was required to describe the procedure to terminate. As we left that appointment I thought I had made a decision. My head was agreeing with the doctors and it just didn't make any sense to us to continue. But I made sure the appointment fell after the 2nd results of the amnio came back. Maybe a diagnosis would help me understand and change my mind.

It was during those few weeks that things began to change for me. We had shared the news with many of our family members and friends and started receiving cards, advice and love which we greatly appreciated. I was struggling immensly with the decision we were faced with. This is such a personal decision and I am not here to judge other women for their decision or make some grand statement about ours. Every family is different, every decision is different.

I am a Christian, have grown so much in my personal walk with God especially this past year and had recently been baptized (along with Joe) at our new church in Michigan. However, I am so so angry at God right now. How can he put us through this! HOW! WHY! Despite all of my anger I constantly keep finding myself going back to God's will. I keep thinking about how much faith I have in him and if I truly do, I need to have faith that while he may not in this life heal our baby he will give us the strength to get through this.

I am so angry at God right now that despite feeling such strong conviction to lay this in his hand and obey him I just don't have the strength to talk to him right now. Prayers from family and friends are so needed right now because most days I just don't have it in me to pray, I'm so angry.

One day I read a letter from a family member who had lost her baby and her words helped me to see things in a completely different way. She shared a little bit about their experience but mostly focused on how she's dealing with things today. She writes to her son in a journal and keeps him very much a part of their family. He is forever their little angel. Just those three points where life changing for me. While we may never know baby Elliott here on earth, Joe and I will one day meet our precious daughter. I so desperately want to keep her a part of our family and how better to do that then accept things for what they are, put this all in God's hands and love every minute and day we have with her as she grows in my belly.