Not ready to say goodbye

(November, 2011)
We received the 2nd test results and they came back normal as well. No diagnosis.

Dr. F said this could happen along with the second specialist. He said this occurs as the chromosomes fold and fold and fold millions of times on themselves developing the baby. We heard several times, it's just a fluke thing that happens. "Just a fluke thing" - That doesn't even come close to answering all of our questions. However, all of the doctors have made Joe and I feel very confident that if and when ready we can have a healthy pregnancy one day. They truly don't think this is genetic due to the vast number of anomalies and complications.

I'm not ready to say good bye, we are so far along, I'm almost 18 weeks now. We've heard the baby's heart beat over and over. And at this point, we have found out through the amnio test that our baby is a little girl. I think about all of the precious little girls in my family right now; my niece, my cousin's daughters, my friend's new little girls. How much fun would it have been to have our daughter so close to all of them. I would have loved to dress her up in pretty dresses and put her hair in braids and bows. Joe would have been such a protective and loving daddy to her too.

Oh how angry and sad I am. This is going to be a tough tough road ahead and one filled with many doubts. I'm terrified of what lies ahead and how we will get through this. Its already a road filled with good and bad days. Days where Joe and I laugh and joke and be ourselves like everything is perfectly normal. Days where we cry and feel the loss we know is coming. Days where I'm proud to show my belly off and want to talk about our daughter and days I hide out at home in my pjs because its too hard to see that growing belly. Back in October for Halloween we were at a cookout with friends. One of my friends said to me she's praying for a miracle. I stopped in my tracks and realized that I haven't once prayed for a miracle. Does this make me a bad person, a doubtful person or a realist. I guess its from numerous appointments hearing the bad news over and over that I haven't prayed for a miracle.