(October 20, 2011)
The weeks leading up to this day were incredibly stressful. Google became my best friend and worst enemy. I looked up everything I could on Spina bifida. Even though the nurse and specialist never said those two words to me, I knew that was what they were concerned about. This is one of the things the First Trimester Scan tests for.
When you become pregnant you start dreaming of all of the fun things you will get to do with your child. I had recently joined a prenatal swim class and kept thinking about they day we'd get to take our peanut swimming. I wasn't going to let this scare shatter those dreams but the list of what ifs slowly started to drown my daydreams. I wanted to become as educated as I could on this condition. Where surgeries an option or need? What kind of special things would we need to do for our baby and what kind of life could we still create for him or her? I wanted to plan and prep and prepare myself to still be a good mother.
October 20th was our follow up appointment. We entered into the same exam room and we saw a new nurse along with a student nurse. Both women were very sweet and quiet. Joe's eyes were glued to the monitor and he would later tell me that he saw the bad news before it was told to us. The nurse took her time with each scan and finally said "she had multiple concerns about the baby". I think I stopped breathing at this point. Multiple concerns? She said she needed to get the specialist.
In walked Dr. F. our new specialist and later to become one of the sweetest, most honest and open female doctors I have had the pleasure of getting to know. She explained to me that they were going to complete the scans, talk amongst themselves and when she was ready she would tell us everything. It felt like time completely stopped moving, my body was starting to shake and it all felt so unreal. I still remember Dr. F., as she would lean and tilt her head as if it would help her see something she couldn't find on the monitor. At one point I thought she was going to lay her head on my belly she had moved so close to me.
With a deep breath she began to tell us the complications. She may have gotten through 5 or 6 major problems before I lost it and began to sob. I asked her to wait, please stop talking. I needed to breath but couldn't find any air. As I took a few breaths I told her to continue and it felt like she just went on and on. When she was finished she told us to take as much time as we needed and come to the consultation room when we were ready.
We cried and held each other and eventually made it to the consultation room. Dr. F. joined us. We immediately turned to termination, nothing else seemed to make sense. We had just been told that our baby will not make it. There are major complications affecting the head, brain, spine, heart, spine, kidneys and lungs and with several other abnormalities. She kindly discussed our next steps with us and offered for us to see another specialist for a second opinion. She suggested that we have the genetic amniocentesis performed to try to diagnose these problems. Its was performed soon after our consultation. The test results are given in ultimately 3 stages. We had to wait 3 days for the first test result.
No comments:
Post a Comment