20 week appointment

(November 20, 2011)

I met a new OB at this appointment, Dr. N. The only male OB on staff, and another very nice dr. This appointment was just an office visit, no ultrasound today. He started the appointment by asking me how I was doing and I said we're hanging in there. I felt a little nervous and like I needed to explain my reason for being there and stand up for why I believe in continuing this pregnancy but that was all self induced worry. Just like the rest of the OBs and specialist we've seen, he was kind and considerate and made it very obvious that he was there as our doctor and was going to devote his time to us just like he would for a normal, healthy pregnancy.

H asked how I was feeling since Thursday's ER visit and I told him the cramping was still continuing. He did a few checks and said it's just the normal stretching of the ligaments and it's normal to feel cramping and pressure.

I had a few questions I wanted to ask, trying to prepare myself for what's to come. I wanted to know if I will be able to deliver naturally or will require a c-section. He told me that as long as things go well and there is no health risk to me, I will be able to deliver naturally. I also asked about getting induced? I was thinking about our due date, April 6th and my sister's due date a week later and then our wedding anniversary, April 30th. So many special dates, so close together. I wanted to know if I could be induced a few days earlier, maybe at the end of March. In my head it just seemed like it might make things easier to handle if the due date wasn't in April. Again, Dr. N. kindly explained that inducing early could cause some health risks to me. He understood what I was getting at, but then asked me if moving up the date a few days would really help us deal with things. Of course not, it doesn't matter what day this falls on, it's still going to be the day we have to say goodbye.

At one point during the appointment, I started asking Dr. N. what our options were after delivery. Our specialist Dr. F. had already discussed our situation with the NICU doctors and pediatric specialist and was told that only comfort care would be offered to Elliott. With so many major complications, surgeries were not an option. Joe and I agreed with the doctors as well. Whatever amount of time we may have with Elliott we want it to be in our arms, surrounded by family. I wanted to get Dr. N. opinion on this and he expressed the same concern that Dr. F. had. It's not easy to think about these things let alone say them out loud. You want so much to hear something can be done for your baby. This is the part that I fight with myself so much on. Knowing that we may not get any time with Elliott or just a few minutes or hours eats away at me and I ask over and over if I'm making the right decision. Despite understanding the medical side of things, I do know in my heart this is the right decision. This is our daughter and whatever life she has is a life of purpose. God has a plan for everyone, Elliott may not be here with us long but we will have an eternity with her in heaven. Our beautiful daughter.

I've asked for an ultrasound with each appointment from this point on. I think it's important to see how things are going and understand Elliott's conditions for myself and Joe. Our next appointment is scheduled for 4 weeks out.