Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Last night
Last night Joe placed his hand on my belly and was able to feel Elliott kicking. It was a really sweet moment. I hope she knows how much we love her.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thanksgiving weekend
Joe and I had a very nice time with his family during the long Thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving with the Nelms family is always comprised of many of people (family and friends) & their pets, delicious food, games and hilarious stories, hugs, kisses and many good laughs. I always enjoy getting together with everyone and catching up on what's going on in their lives.
I was a bit nervous to see everyone, I didn't want to see anyone hurting over what Joe and I are going through. Everyone was incredibly supportive, loving and kind to us, especially when asking any questions.
There seems to be a trend in how I'm handling things or feeling throughout these days. I usually get about 2 or 3 good days in of being strong and positive and busy and then mental and emotional exhaustion sets in and I break down. That day came on Saturday. It doesn't seem to matter what the day is like itself because Saturday was a nice relaxing day, but inside I'm an emotional wreck. Another reason why I love Joe so much, he gets it and he just hugs me and lets this time be as it needs to be.
Here's the first belly picture of me at 21 weeks. It's a bit blurry and I wasn't paying much attention but I thought I'd go ahead and add it in.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
20 week appointment
(November 20, 2011)
I met a new OB at this appointment, Dr. N. The only male OB on staff, and another very nice dr. This appointment was just an office visit, no ultrasound today. He started the appointment by asking me how I was doing and I said we're hanging in there. I felt a little nervous and like I needed to explain my reason for being there and stand up for why I believe in continuing this pregnancy but that was all self induced worry. Just like the rest of the OBs and specialist we've seen, he was kind and considerate and made it very obvious that he was there as our doctor and was going to devote his time to us just like he would for a normal, healthy pregnancy.
H asked how I was feeling since Thursday's ER visit and I told him the cramping was still continuing. He did a few checks and said it's just the normal stretching of the ligaments and it's normal to feel cramping and pressure.
I had a few questions I wanted to ask, trying to prepare myself for what's to come. I wanted to know if I will be able to deliver naturally or will require a c-section. He told me that as long as things go well and there is no health risk to me, I will be able to deliver naturally. I also asked about getting induced? I was thinking about our due date, April 6th and my sister's due date a week later and then our wedding anniversary, April 30th. So many special dates, so close together. I wanted to know if I could be induced a few days earlier, maybe at the end of March. In my head it just seemed like it might make things easier to handle if the due date wasn't in April. Again, Dr. N. kindly explained that inducing early could cause some health risks to me. He understood what I was getting at, but then asked me if moving up the date a few days would really help us deal with things. Of course not, it doesn't matter what day this falls on, it's still going to be the day we have to say goodbye.
At one point during the appointment, I started asking Dr. N. what our options were after delivery. Our specialist Dr. F. had already discussed our situation with the NICU doctors and pediatric specialist and was told that only comfort care would be offered to Elliott. With so many major complications, surgeries were not an option. Joe and I agreed with the doctors as well. Whatever amount of time we may have with Elliott we want it to be in our arms, surrounded by family. I wanted to get Dr. N. opinion on this and he expressed the same concern that Dr. F. had. It's not easy to think about these things let alone say them out loud. You want so much to hear something can be done for your baby. This is the part that I fight with myself so much on. Knowing that we may not get any time with Elliott or just a few minutes or hours eats away at me and I ask over and over if I'm making the right decision. Despite understanding the medical side of things, I do know in my heart this is the right decision. This is our daughter and whatever life she has is a life of purpose. God has a plan for everyone, Elliott may not be here with us long but we will have an eternity with her in heaven. Our beautiful daughter.
I've asked for an ultrasound with each appointment from this point on. I think it's important to see how things are going and understand Elliott's conditions for myself and Joe. Our next appointment is scheduled for 4 weeks out.
I met a new OB at this appointment, Dr. N. The only male OB on staff, and another very nice dr. This appointment was just an office visit, no ultrasound today. He started the appointment by asking me how I was doing and I said we're hanging in there. I felt a little nervous and like I needed to explain my reason for being there and stand up for why I believe in continuing this pregnancy but that was all self induced worry. Just like the rest of the OBs and specialist we've seen, he was kind and considerate and made it very obvious that he was there as our doctor and was going to devote his time to us just like he would for a normal, healthy pregnancy.
H asked how I was feeling since Thursday's ER visit and I told him the cramping was still continuing. He did a few checks and said it's just the normal stretching of the ligaments and it's normal to feel cramping and pressure.
I had a few questions I wanted to ask, trying to prepare myself for what's to come. I wanted to know if I will be able to deliver naturally or will require a c-section. He told me that as long as things go well and there is no health risk to me, I will be able to deliver naturally. I also asked about getting induced? I was thinking about our due date, April 6th and my sister's due date a week later and then our wedding anniversary, April 30th. So many special dates, so close together. I wanted to know if I could be induced a few days earlier, maybe at the end of March. In my head it just seemed like it might make things easier to handle if the due date wasn't in April. Again, Dr. N. kindly explained that inducing early could cause some health risks to me. He understood what I was getting at, but then asked me if moving up the date a few days would really help us deal with things. Of course not, it doesn't matter what day this falls on, it's still going to be the day we have to say goodbye.
At one point during the appointment, I started asking Dr. N. what our options were after delivery. Our specialist Dr. F. had already discussed our situation with the NICU doctors and pediatric specialist and was told that only comfort care would be offered to Elliott. With so many major complications, surgeries were not an option. Joe and I agreed with the doctors as well. Whatever amount of time we may have with Elliott we want it to be in our arms, surrounded by family. I wanted to get Dr. N. opinion on this and he expressed the same concern that Dr. F. had. It's not easy to think about these things let alone say them out loud. You want so much to hear something can be done for your baby. This is the part that I fight with myself so much on. Knowing that we may not get any time with Elliott or just a few minutes or hours eats away at me and I ask over and over if I'm making the right decision. Despite understanding the medical side of things, I do know in my heart this is the right decision. This is our daughter and whatever life she has is a life of purpose. God has a plan for everyone, Elliott may not be here with us long but we will have an eternity with her in heaven. Our beautiful daughter.
I've asked for an ultrasound with each appointment from this point on. I think it's important to see how things are going and understand Elliott's conditions for myself and Joe. Our next appointment is scheduled for 4 weeks out.
I can feel her kicking
(November 17, 2011)
I stayed a week in Illinois after my sister had her baby. Those days were long and I know I wasn't eating or taking it as easy as I should have been and I started having alot of cramping and pressure. I figured it was from the long days so I didn't really complain much. One night at my parents house after a long day at the hospital I was sitting in a chair in the living room trying to relax and relieve some of the cramping when I thought I felt some fluttering. I wasn't really sure what it was but could feel it over and over. For a brief second I thought maybe it was Elliott kicking but pushed that consideration out of my mind as I then thought about all of the complications with her spine. How can she possibly be kicking?
Driving back home to Michigan the following day the cramping continued to get worse. My OB's office called to remind me of an appointment I had the following Monday and I told the nurse how I was feeling. Concern over what could be happening and the fact that it was approaching 5pm (close of office hours) my OB told me to go to the emergency room. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going in to pre-term labor. Luckily I was about 30 minutes from one of the hospitals we go to and I was able to make it there soon. Joe met me there and we heading in to the ER. After about an hour of questions and monitoring, I was able to go home. No pre-term labor and no real signs of dehydration. Everything looked good and since I already had an appointment with my OB the following Monday, the nurse didn't see any reason to keep me there.
I felt a bit ridiculous since nothing was wrong, but I guess better to be safe than sorry. One amazing thing we were able to take away from the evening was that yes, Elliott is moving and kicking. The RN was checking on Elliott's heart rate and asked me if I had felt any movements yet. We had already explained Elliott's condition so she was aware of it. However, when the RN put the monitor on me for Elliott's heart rate she smiled and said, "well, she's moving around just fine in there, all of that loud background noise is her moving."
This was so amazing to hear. I really didn't think it was possible, especially after three ultrasound appointments where Elliott hadn't moved at all.
Now, when I feel her kick and move I don't think about all of her complications. I just sit and enjoy it.
I stayed a week in Illinois after my sister had her baby. Those days were long and I know I wasn't eating or taking it as easy as I should have been and I started having alot of cramping and pressure. I figured it was from the long days so I didn't really complain much. One night at my parents house after a long day at the hospital I was sitting in a chair in the living room trying to relax and relieve some of the cramping when I thought I felt some fluttering. I wasn't really sure what it was but could feel it over and over. For a brief second I thought maybe it was Elliott kicking but pushed that consideration out of my mind as I then thought about all of the complications with her spine. How can she possibly be kicking?
Driving back home to Michigan the following day the cramping continued to get worse. My OB's office called to remind me of an appointment I had the following Monday and I told the nurse how I was feeling. Concern over what could be happening and the fact that it was approaching 5pm (close of office hours) my OB told me to go to the emergency room. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going in to pre-term labor. Luckily I was about 30 minutes from one of the hospitals we go to and I was able to make it there soon. Joe met me there and we heading in to the ER. After about an hour of questions and monitoring, I was able to go home. No pre-term labor and no real signs of dehydration. Everything looked good and since I already had an appointment with my OB the following Monday, the nurse didn't see any reason to keep me there.
I felt a bit ridiculous since nothing was wrong, but I guess better to be safe than sorry. One amazing thing we were able to take away from the evening was that yes, Elliott is moving and kicking. The RN was checking on Elliott's heart rate and asked me if I had felt any movements yet. We had already explained Elliott's condition so she was aware of it. However, when the RN put the monitor on me for Elliott's heart rate she smiled and said, "well, she's moving around just fine in there, all of that loud background noise is her moving."
This was so amazing to hear. I really didn't think it was possible, especially after three ultrasound appointments where Elliott hadn't moved at all.
Now, when I feel her kick and move I don't think about all of her complications. I just sit and enjoy it.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Finding joy in other's happiness
(November, 2011)
The first weekend in November we attended our good friend's son's birthday party. The morning of the party we went shopping for gifts and I remember walking through the isles with Joe. I started feeling sad but the store was busy so I pushed out the feelings. I wish we could pick up something for our baby. As we walked to the car I asked Joe if it was hard for him to look at all of the baby stuff. He said no, because he didn't really equate the two. Today we were buying gifts for two adorable, precious kids and today was a day of happiness and celebration. I love Joe's positive attitude. From that moment on, I decided to believe in the same. Despite what we are going through it is ok to be happy for our family and friends.
On November 11, 2011 my sister delivered a beautiful healthy 8lb, 20 inches long sweet baby boy with a head full of hair. I originally didn't think I could make it home but I did and I am so happy I was there to be with her and meet my new nephew. It was amazing watching my sister become a new mommy during those first few days. And it was even more amazing to see her son. I got to hold him alot and liked to hold him out in front of me so I could look at his face. So much hair, eyes that look just like Jen's, a tiny nose and mouth and the chubbiest cheeks. My favorite thing to do was tickle his cheeks with my finger and watch all of the sweet expressions his face made. I would just look at him and think, wow, I have so so much love for this little guy and I'm just his aunt. I can only imagine how Jen feels at his mother. I'm so happy for her.
During those days at the hospital I had to face alot of realities as well. I stood outside the nursery and watched as the doctors examined all of the babies and I couldn't help but think of our Elliott and all of the complications she has. I thought about how I will go in to the hospital like every other pregnant woman does but I will not leave the same. It was a very emotional and difficult time for me but one I will never regret. I'm so thankful my sister allowed me to be a part of it. I was still able to see and feel the joy and happiness of being a new mommy and I hope someday in the future I will be able to experience what it is really supposed to be like. Jen gave me hope for that.
The first weekend in November we attended our good friend's son's birthday party. The morning of the party we went shopping for gifts and I remember walking through the isles with Joe. I started feeling sad but the store was busy so I pushed out the feelings. I wish we could pick up something for our baby. As we walked to the car I asked Joe if it was hard for him to look at all of the baby stuff. He said no, because he didn't really equate the two. Today we were buying gifts for two adorable, precious kids and today was a day of happiness and celebration. I love Joe's positive attitude. From that moment on, I decided to believe in the same. Despite what we are going through it is ok to be happy for our family and friends.
On November 11, 2011 my sister delivered a beautiful healthy 8lb, 20 inches long sweet baby boy with a head full of hair. I originally didn't think I could make it home but I did and I am so happy I was there to be with her and meet my new nephew. It was amazing watching my sister become a new mommy during those first few days. And it was even more amazing to see her son. I got to hold him alot and liked to hold him out in front of me so I could look at his face. So much hair, eyes that look just like Jen's, a tiny nose and mouth and the chubbiest cheeks. My favorite thing to do was tickle his cheeks with my finger and watch all of the sweet expressions his face made. I would just look at him and think, wow, I have so so much love for this little guy and I'm just his aunt. I can only imagine how Jen feels at his mother. I'm so happy for her.
During those days at the hospital I had to face alot of realities as well. I stood outside the nursery and watched as the doctors examined all of the babies and I couldn't help but think of our Elliott and all of the complications she has. I thought about how I will go in to the hospital like every other pregnant woman does but I will not leave the same. It was a very emotional and difficult time for me but one I will never regret. I'm so thankful my sister allowed me to be a part of it. I was still able to see and feel the joy and happiness of being a new mommy and I hope someday in the future I will be able to experience what it is really supposed to be like. Jen gave me hope for that.
Not ready to say goodbye
(November, 2011)
We received the 2nd test results and they came back normal as well. No diagnosis.
Dr. F said this could happen along with the second specialist. He said this occurs as the chromosomes fold and fold and fold millions of times on themselves developing the baby. We heard several times, it's just a fluke thing that happens. "Just a fluke thing" - That doesn't even come close to answering all of our questions. However, all of the doctors have made Joe and I feel very confident that if and when ready we can have a healthy pregnancy one day. They truly don't think this is genetic due to the vast number of anomalies and complications.
I'm not ready to say good bye, we are so far along, I'm almost 18 weeks now. We've heard the baby's heart beat over and over. And at this point, we have found out through the amnio test that our baby is a little girl. I think about all of the precious little girls in my family right now; my niece, my cousin's daughters, my friend's new little girls. How much fun would it have been to have our daughter so close to all of them. I would have loved to dress her up in pretty dresses and put her hair in braids and bows. Joe would have been such a protective and loving daddy to her too.
Oh how angry and sad I am. This is going to be a tough tough road ahead and one filled with many doubts. I'm terrified of what lies ahead and how we will get through this. Its already a road filled with good and bad days. Days where Joe and I laugh and joke and be ourselves like everything is perfectly normal. Days where we cry and feel the loss we know is coming. Days where I'm proud to show my belly off and want to talk about our daughter and days I hide out at home in my pjs because its too hard to see that growing belly. Back in October for Halloween we were at a cookout with friends. One of my friends said to me she's praying for a miracle. I stopped in my tracks and realized that I haven't once prayed for a miracle. Does this make me a bad person, a doubtful person or a realist. I guess its from numerous appointments hearing the bad news over and over that I haven't prayed for a miracle.
We received the 2nd test results and they came back normal as well. No diagnosis.
Dr. F said this could happen along with the second specialist. He said this occurs as the chromosomes fold and fold and fold millions of times on themselves developing the baby. We heard several times, it's just a fluke thing that happens. "Just a fluke thing" - That doesn't even come close to answering all of our questions. However, all of the doctors have made Joe and I feel very confident that if and when ready we can have a healthy pregnancy one day. They truly don't think this is genetic due to the vast number of anomalies and complications.
I'm not ready to say good bye, we are so far along, I'm almost 18 weeks now. We've heard the baby's heart beat over and over. And at this point, we have found out through the amnio test that our baby is a little girl. I think about all of the precious little girls in my family right now; my niece, my cousin's daughters, my friend's new little girls. How much fun would it have been to have our daughter so close to all of them. I would have loved to dress her up in pretty dresses and put her hair in braids and bows. Joe would have been such a protective and loving daddy to her too.
Oh how angry and sad I am. This is going to be a tough tough road ahead and one filled with many doubts. I'm terrified of what lies ahead and how we will get through this. Its already a road filled with good and bad days. Days where Joe and I laugh and joke and be ourselves like everything is perfectly normal. Days where we cry and feel the loss we know is coming. Days where I'm proud to show my belly off and want to talk about our daughter and days I hide out at home in my pjs because its too hard to see that growing belly. Back in October for Halloween we were at a cookout with friends. One of my friends said to me she's praying for a miracle. I stopped in my tracks and realized that I haven't once prayed for a miracle. Does this make me a bad person, a doubtful person or a realist. I guess its from numerous appointments hearing the bad news over and over that I haven't prayed for a miracle.
The days to follow
3 days later we learned that first test results called the FISH Test came back normal. This ruled out Downsydrome and Trisomy 13 & 18.
The rest of the chromosomes were to be tested and those results we would receive in 14 days. During those two weeks we experienced a million different emotions. We called the specialist Dr. F. referred us to and met him for a consultation. I so desperately wanted another ultrasound and for him to tell us it was all a big mistake, your baby is perfectly fine. He didn't offer us an ultrasound. I guess by his medical background, the medical reports and scans he received from Dr. F., he didn't see it necessary. And, honestly, I'm wasn't surprised.
He did however share in greater detail the medical reports. I asked for a copy because I wanted to see it myself. The list of complications went on and on and on. Everything was wrong. He then proceeded to tell us that by law he was required to describe the procedure to terminate. As we left that appointment I thought I had made a decision. My head was agreeing with the doctors and it just didn't make any sense to us to continue. But I made sure the appointment fell after the 2nd results of the amnio came back. Maybe a diagnosis would help me understand and change my mind.
It was during those few weeks that things began to change for me. We had shared the news with many of our family members and friends and started receiving cards, advice and love which we greatly appreciated. I was struggling immensly with the decision we were faced with. This is such a personal decision and I am not here to judge other women for their decision or make some grand statement about ours. Every family is different, every decision is different.
I am a Christian, have grown so much in my personal walk with God especially this past year and had recently been baptized (along with Joe) at our new church in Michigan. However, I am so so angry at God right now. How can he put us through this! HOW! WHY! Despite all of my anger I constantly keep finding myself going back to God's will. I keep thinking about how much faith I have in him and if I truly do, I need to have faith that while he may not in this life heal our baby he will give us the strength to get through this.
I am so angry at God right now that despite feeling such strong conviction to lay this in his hand and obey him I just don't have the strength to talk to him right now. Prayers from family and friends are so needed right now because most days I just don't have it in me to pray, I'm so angry.
One day I read a letter from a family member who had lost her baby and her words helped me to see things in a completely different way. She shared a little bit about their experience but mostly focused on how she's dealing with things today. She writes to her son in a journal and keeps him very much a part of their family. He is forever their little angel. Just those three points where life changing for me. While we may never know baby Elliott here on earth, Joe and I will one day meet our precious daughter. I so desperately want to keep her a part of our family and how better to do that then accept things for what they are, put this all in God's hands and love every minute and day we have with her as she grows in my belly.
The rest of the chromosomes were to be tested and those results we would receive in 14 days. During those two weeks we experienced a million different emotions. We called the specialist Dr. F. referred us to and met him for a consultation. I so desperately wanted another ultrasound and for him to tell us it was all a big mistake, your baby is perfectly fine. He didn't offer us an ultrasound. I guess by his medical background, the medical reports and scans he received from Dr. F., he didn't see it necessary. And, honestly, I'm wasn't surprised.
He did however share in greater detail the medical reports. I asked for a copy because I wanted to see it myself. The list of complications went on and on and on. Everything was wrong. He then proceeded to tell us that by law he was required to describe the procedure to terminate. As we left that appointment I thought I had made a decision. My head was agreeing with the doctors and it just didn't make any sense to us to continue. But I made sure the appointment fell after the 2nd results of the amnio came back. Maybe a diagnosis would help me understand and change my mind.
It was during those few weeks that things began to change for me. We had shared the news with many of our family members and friends and started receiving cards, advice and love which we greatly appreciated. I was struggling immensly with the decision we were faced with. This is such a personal decision and I am not here to judge other women for their decision or make some grand statement about ours. Every family is different, every decision is different.
I am a Christian, have grown so much in my personal walk with God especially this past year and had recently been baptized (along with Joe) at our new church in Michigan. However, I am so so angry at God right now. How can he put us through this! HOW! WHY! Despite all of my anger I constantly keep finding myself going back to God's will. I keep thinking about how much faith I have in him and if I truly do, I need to have faith that while he may not in this life heal our baby he will give us the strength to get through this.
I am so angry at God right now that despite feeling such strong conviction to lay this in his hand and obey him I just don't have the strength to talk to him right now. Prayers from family and friends are so needed right now because most days I just don't have it in me to pray, I'm so angry.
One day I read a letter from a family member who had lost her baby and her words helped me to see things in a completely different way. She shared a little bit about their experience but mostly focused on how she's dealing with things today. She writes to her son in a journal and keeps him very much a part of their family. He is forever their little angel. Just those three points where life changing for me. While we may never know baby Elliott here on earth, Joe and I will one day meet our precious daughter. I so desperately want to keep her a part of our family and how better to do that then accept things for what they are, put this all in God's hands and love every minute and day we have with her as she grows in my belly.
The day our lives changed forever
(October 20, 2011)
The weeks leading up to this day were incredibly stressful. Google became my best friend and worst enemy. I looked up everything I could on Spina bifida. Even though the nurse and specialist never said those two words to me, I knew that was what they were concerned about. This is one of the things the First Trimester Scan tests for.
When you become pregnant you start dreaming of all of the fun things you will get to do with your child. I had recently joined a prenatal swim class and kept thinking about they day we'd get to take our peanut swimming. I wasn't going to let this scare shatter those dreams but the list of what ifs slowly started to drown my daydreams. I wanted to become as educated as I could on this condition. Where surgeries an option or need? What kind of special things would we need to do for our baby and what kind of life could we still create for him or her? I wanted to plan and prep and prepare myself to still be a good mother.
October 20th was our follow up appointment. We entered into the same exam room and we saw a new nurse along with a student nurse. Both women were very sweet and quiet. Joe's eyes were glued to the monitor and he would later tell me that he saw the bad news before it was told to us. The nurse took her time with each scan and finally said "she had multiple concerns about the baby". I think I stopped breathing at this point. Multiple concerns? She said she needed to get the specialist.
In walked Dr. F. our new specialist and later to become one of the sweetest, most honest and open female doctors I have had the pleasure of getting to know. She explained to me that they were going to complete the scans, talk amongst themselves and when she was ready she would tell us everything. It felt like time completely stopped moving, my body was starting to shake and it all felt so unreal. I still remember Dr. F., as she would lean and tilt her head as if it would help her see something she couldn't find on the monitor. At one point I thought she was going to lay her head on my belly she had moved so close to me.
With a deep breath she began to tell us the complications. She may have gotten through 5 or 6 major problems before I lost it and began to sob. I asked her to wait, please stop talking. I needed to breath but couldn't find any air. As I took a few breaths I told her to continue and it felt like she just went on and on. When she was finished she told us to take as much time as we needed and come to the consultation room when we were ready.
We cried and held each other and eventually made it to the consultation room. Dr. F. joined us. We immediately turned to termination, nothing else seemed to make sense. We had just been told that our baby will not make it. There are major complications affecting the head, brain, spine, heart, spine, kidneys and lungs and with several other abnormalities. She kindly discussed our next steps with us and offered for us to see another specialist for a second opinion. She suggested that we have the genetic amniocentesis performed to try to diagnose these problems. Its was performed soon after our consultation. The test results are given in ultimately 3 stages. We had to wait 3 days for the first test result.
The weeks leading up to this day were incredibly stressful. Google became my best friend and worst enemy. I looked up everything I could on Spina bifida. Even though the nurse and specialist never said those two words to me, I knew that was what they were concerned about. This is one of the things the First Trimester Scan tests for.
When you become pregnant you start dreaming of all of the fun things you will get to do with your child. I had recently joined a prenatal swim class and kept thinking about they day we'd get to take our peanut swimming. I wasn't going to let this scare shatter those dreams but the list of what ifs slowly started to drown my daydreams. I wanted to become as educated as I could on this condition. Where surgeries an option or need? What kind of special things would we need to do for our baby and what kind of life could we still create for him or her? I wanted to plan and prep and prepare myself to still be a good mother.
October 20th was our follow up appointment. We entered into the same exam room and we saw a new nurse along with a student nurse. Both women were very sweet and quiet. Joe's eyes were glued to the monitor and he would later tell me that he saw the bad news before it was told to us. The nurse took her time with each scan and finally said "she had multiple concerns about the baby". I think I stopped breathing at this point. Multiple concerns? She said she needed to get the specialist.
In walked Dr. F. our new specialist and later to become one of the sweetest, most honest and open female doctors I have had the pleasure of getting to know. She explained to me that they were going to complete the scans, talk amongst themselves and when she was ready she would tell us everything. It felt like time completely stopped moving, my body was starting to shake and it all felt so unreal. I still remember Dr. F., as she would lean and tilt her head as if it would help her see something she couldn't find on the monitor. At one point I thought she was going to lay her head on my belly she had moved so close to me.
With a deep breath she began to tell us the complications. She may have gotten through 5 or 6 major problems before I lost it and began to sob. I asked her to wait, please stop talking. I needed to breath but couldn't find any air. As I took a few breaths I told her to continue and it felt like she just went on and on. When she was finished she told us to take as much time as we needed and come to the consultation room when we were ready.
We cried and held each other and eventually made it to the consultation room. Dr. F. joined us. We immediately turned to termination, nothing else seemed to make sense. We had just been told that our baby will not make it. There are major complications affecting the head, brain, spine, heart, spine, kidneys and lungs and with several other abnormalities. She kindly discussed our next steps with us and offered for us to see another specialist for a second opinion. She suggested that we have the genetic amniocentesis performed to try to diagnose these problems. Its was performed soon after our consultation. The test results are given in ultimately 3 stages. We had to wait 3 days for the first test result.
Very high highs and very low lows
(September, 2011)
We've been living in Michigan for about a year now and for the past year we've been living in one of Joe's co-worker's home. The family has been relocated on assignment and we've had the pleasure of renting out their home from them. Our year lease is about to end and we've found a new condo to rent in the next town over.
I've scheduled two appointments for the day. The first is my 11/12 week appointment with the OB. I've heard this can be one of the longer appointments so Joe and I have decided he doesn't need to come to this one. He has a pretty busy work schedule and there will be plenty more appointments he can come to. As the OB puts the warm gel on my belly she tells me we might be able to pick up the baby's heart beat. (oh how I wish Joe was here now, he'd love this). We see the baby immediately on the screen and I'm shocked at how much our peanut has grown in the past 4 weeks. Dr. J, one of my OBs (I will eventually see 5 at this hospital) moves around my belly and wow, there it is - we hear the heartbeat. I start crying and feel a huge sense of relief. I didn't think anything was wrong, but I just feel reassured that things are ok. Dr. J. jokes and says she hope those are tears of happiness. They definitely are :-).
I've taken the day off work because just this afternoon I will head back to the hospital for the First Trimester Scan. There's a small window of time to get this test done and it just worked out to have it done the same day.
After lunch I drove to the new condo and unloaded a few boxes from my car and decide to take the interstate to the hospital. It's either this or going through miles of construction in town...should have pick the construction. There's been a small fender bender on the highway and I'm sitting in traffic. I call the hospital and tell them I'm running late. They let me know that I can be up to 15 minutes late before they cancel the appointment. I decide to try and make it. As traffic continues to crawl ahead I start wondering if this is a sign, maybe I shouldn't go, do we really need to get this test done? I think about the morning's appointment and the OB didn't seem to be concerned with anything. But, maybe if I do make it to this appointment I'll get to hear the heartbeat again and it's so much fun seeing the baby on the monitor.
I finally make it, rush up to the 3rd floor and sign in. The ladies are nice, I'm hoping they appreciated my call to let them know I'm running late. Soon a nurse calls my name and we head back. I lay back in the bed and she applies more gel to my belly. We see the baby and hear the heartbeat :-). She's quiet and continues to do the scan. She jokes that the baby is being stubborn and won't move for her to get what she needs done. She asks me to lay on my side for a bit, hoping this will move the baby into the position she needs. I grab my phone when she leaves the room and text Joe. He jokingly responds saying he thinks the baby is a boy because it's already being stubborn. The nurse comes back in and we continue to scan, again the baby won't cooperate. She proceeds to tell me that she's a little concerned with a spot on the babies back. She "reassures" me that she isn't saying anything is wrong, but wants the specialist to come take a look. I'm a little shaken up at this point.
The specialist comes into the room and they both look at the monitor. At this point the nurse is really trying to get the baby to move, pushing on my stomach and apologizing with each jab. The specialist is nice but starts asking lots of questions about my health history? - good, any medication? - none, family history? - nothing major, have I had any cramping or bleeding? - some cramping but no bleeding. It goes on and on. He concludes by agreeing with the nurse and tells me I need to come back in 4 weeks for a spinal follow up. At this point I am so shocked and unsure of things I just say ok and before I know it I'm in the car heading home.
I call Joe, he's on his way to night class. Joe's always the more optimistic one, an encourager and supporter. He listens and calms me down, saying he's sure it's nothing and let's just pray and think positive thoughts until our next appointment. He can't talk for too long so once we're off the phone I call my mom. I'm trying to stay calm as I repeat the appointment to her but I completely break down. She listens and says she'll do anything she can to help. I'm scared, sad, unsure and wanting answers now, not in 4 weeks.
We've been living in Michigan for about a year now and for the past year we've been living in one of Joe's co-worker's home. The family has been relocated on assignment and we've had the pleasure of renting out their home from them. Our year lease is about to end and we've found a new condo to rent in the next town over.
I've scheduled two appointments for the day. The first is my 11/12 week appointment with the OB. I've heard this can be one of the longer appointments so Joe and I have decided he doesn't need to come to this one. He has a pretty busy work schedule and there will be plenty more appointments he can come to. As the OB puts the warm gel on my belly she tells me we might be able to pick up the baby's heart beat. (oh how I wish Joe was here now, he'd love this). We see the baby immediately on the screen and I'm shocked at how much our peanut has grown in the past 4 weeks. Dr. J, one of my OBs (I will eventually see 5 at this hospital) moves around my belly and wow, there it is - we hear the heartbeat. I start crying and feel a huge sense of relief. I didn't think anything was wrong, but I just feel reassured that things are ok. Dr. J. jokes and says she hope those are tears of happiness. They definitely are :-).
I've taken the day off work because just this afternoon I will head back to the hospital for the First Trimester Scan. There's a small window of time to get this test done and it just worked out to have it done the same day.
After lunch I drove to the new condo and unloaded a few boxes from my car and decide to take the interstate to the hospital. It's either this or going through miles of construction in town...should have pick the construction. There's been a small fender bender on the highway and I'm sitting in traffic. I call the hospital and tell them I'm running late. They let me know that I can be up to 15 minutes late before they cancel the appointment. I decide to try and make it. As traffic continues to crawl ahead I start wondering if this is a sign, maybe I shouldn't go, do we really need to get this test done? I think about the morning's appointment and the OB didn't seem to be concerned with anything. But, maybe if I do make it to this appointment I'll get to hear the heartbeat again and it's so much fun seeing the baby on the monitor.
I finally make it, rush up to the 3rd floor and sign in. The ladies are nice, I'm hoping they appreciated my call to let them know I'm running late. Soon a nurse calls my name and we head back. I lay back in the bed and she applies more gel to my belly. We see the baby and hear the heartbeat :-). She's quiet and continues to do the scan. She jokes that the baby is being stubborn and won't move for her to get what she needs done. She asks me to lay on my side for a bit, hoping this will move the baby into the position she needs. I grab my phone when she leaves the room and text Joe. He jokingly responds saying he thinks the baby is a boy because it's already being stubborn. The nurse comes back in and we continue to scan, again the baby won't cooperate. She proceeds to tell me that she's a little concerned with a spot on the babies back. She "reassures" me that she isn't saying anything is wrong, but wants the specialist to come take a look. I'm a little shaken up at this point.
The specialist comes into the room and they both look at the monitor. At this point the nurse is really trying to get the baby to move, pushing on my stomach and apologizing with each jab. The specialist is nice but starts asking lots of questions about my health history? - good, any medication? - none, family history? - nothing major, have I had any cramping or bleeding? - some cramping but no bleeding. It goes on and on. He concludes by agreeing with the nurse and tells me I need to come back in 4 weeks for a spinal follow up. At this point I am so shocked and unsure of things I just say ok and before I know it I'm in the car heading home.
I call Joe, he's on his way to night class. Joe's always the more optimistic one, an encourager and supporter. He listens and calms me down, saying he's sure it's nothing and let's just pray and think positive thoughts until our next appointment. He can't talk for too long so once we're off the phone I call my mom. I'm trying to stay calm as I repeat the appointment to her but I completely break down. She listens and says she'll do anything she can to help. I'm scared, sad, unsure and wanting answers now, not in 4 weeks.
Should we or shouldn't we
(August 2011)
Joe and I were out to dinner one night and of course the majority of our conversation revolved around our peanut. We were trying to decide whether or not to have the first trimester scan done. Initially we both thought no, why - what's the point? Neither of us have a family history of birth defects (to our knowledge) and right now my side of the family is just pumping out babies and all of them are healthy vibrant kiddos.
We discussed what we would do and how we would feel if the test was done and we received unexpected news. We openly and honestly talked about the possibility and if that were to happen we would love our little peanut that much more. It's definitely a touchy subject and a scary one to have as new parents. But, I'm happy we had the conversation. It took both of us to a place of vulnerability and opened our eyes to I think the first realization of how precious this truly is. We've created a little life and this is the first time I already feel like I need to protect it.
I don't remember if we decided that night or not to have the test done, but in the days to follow I scheduled the appointment. We both figured, why not? It's available and insurance covers it. Let's just do it and get it over with. Our minds will be settled and we can move forward.
Joe and I were out to dinner one night and of course the majority of our conversation revolved around our peanut. We were trying to decide whether or not to have the first trimester scan done. Initially we both thought no, why - what's the point? Neither of us have a family history of birth defects (to our knowledge) and right now my side of the family is just pumping out babies and all of them are healthy vibrant kiddos.
We discussed what we would do and how we would feel if the test was done and we received unexpected news. We openly and honestly talked about the possibility and if that were to happen we would love our little peanut that much more. It's definitely a touchy subject and a scary one to have as new parents. But, I'm happy we had the conversation. It took both of us to a place of vulnerability and opened our eyes to I think the first realization of how precious this truly is. We've created a little life and this is the first time I already feel like I need to protect it.
I don't remember if we decided that night or not to have the test done, but in the days to follow I scheduled the appointment. We both figured, why not? It's available and insurance covers it. Let's just do it and get it over with. Our minds will be settled and we can move forward.
First Trimester, feeling pretty good
(August, 2011)
At 8 weeks along you definitely don't look pregnant but you feel pregnant. Luckily for me, I didn't have morning sickness too bad but I did experience several moments throughout the day of just feeling icky. I found that eating small healthy meals throughout the day seemed to help but who really wants to eat healthy the time all of when they're pregnant. My favorite thing to eat for several weeks was mac n cheese with hot sauce. This was the oddest combination to me because well for one thing, I never even like mac n cheese prior to being pregnant. And holy cow was I putting away the beef, pork, chicken, steak, sausage ....anything that went moo or oink I craved. Gross huh! But that's what my body wanted, this little peanut was making me hungry and as his/her mommy I was going to do whatever my peanut needed. Prenatal vitamins - check, 300 (+) calories a day - check, prenatal swim class - check, falling asleep on the couch by 8pm - check. All seemed to be going as planned.
Here's the first ultra sound picture of our baby. I was so thrilled I mailed copies to our parents with a little card from "our peanut". This will be the first grand baby for Joe's parents and the 3rd or 4th on my side. My brother and his wife have an adorable, feisty, dancing 3 year old and my older sister is due have to the first boy grand baby in November and my younger sister and I are both pregnant, only about 1 week apart; my due date is April 6 and her's, I believe is April 12th.
At 8 weeks along you definitely don't look pregnant but you feel pregnant. Luckily for me, I didn't have morning sickness too bad but I did experience several moments throughout the day of just feeling icky. I found that eating small healthy meals throughout the day seemed to help but who really wants to eat healthy the time all of when they're pregnant. My favorite thing to eat for several weeks was mac n cheese with hot sauce. This was the oddest combination to me because well for one thing, I never even like mac n cheese prior to being pregnant. And holy cow was I putting away the beef, pork, chicken, steak, sausage ....anything that went moo or oink I craved. Gross huh! But that's what my body wanted, this little peanut was making me hungry and as his/her mommy I was going to do whatever my peanut needed. Prenatal vitamins - check, 300 (+) calories a day - check, prenatal swim class - check, falling asleep on the couch by 8pm - check. All seemed to be going as planned.
Here's the first ultra sound picture of our baby. I was so thrilled I mailed copies to our parents with a little card from "our peanut". This will be the first grand baby for Joe's parents and the 3rd or 4th on my side. My brother and his wife have an adorable, feisty, dancing 3 year old and my older sister is due have to the first boy grand baby in November and my younger sister and I are both pregnant, only about 1 week apart; my due date is April 6 and her's, I believe is April 12th.
A little bit about us
What I didn't know what that Joe was up to some work. He'd been secretly shopping for engagement rings with the help of my younger sister. He even purchased a ring, left for two weeks of Annual Training for the National Guard and hid the ring in my apartment. Now during this time, Joe was also doing some house hunting. This, I was completely aware of but wasn't totally hands on with. However, he found a beautiful home in the next town over from where were living, purchased it within a few weeks and we were on our way to moving into our first home together.
One evening, a Thursday to be exact, we were heading over to the new house to paint the living room. Joe had again been up to some work behind the scenes and as we walked up the stairs he surprised me with an amazing proposal already painted on the wall. It was beautiful.
Things didn't slow down from there, another new job opportunity opened up for Joe which required months away from each other for training, putting our new house back on the market (later to become our first rental property), a move to Michigan and career changes for me. In a rush to do what was right in our hearts we flew off to Las Vegas with a small group of family and friends and were married at the beautiful Mandalay Bay Resort on April 30, 2010.
Vegas was awesome and thank you to our family who made it all possible and shared this special day with us.
Joe and I wanted more than anything to celebrate our marriage with all of our family and friends. We've been blessed to have so many wonderful people surround us, support us and make every day so amazing. We hold our friends so dear to our heart and hope to make our families proud by our love for each other. We waited a little over a year, and on July 30, 2011 we had a tradition ceremony and reception surrounded by everyone we love. It was a hot summer day (thank goodness no one melted, passed out etc :-\) but it was a day to remember. It also allowed Joe and I to come back to the town we fell in love in and started our life together. At this point we had already moved to Michigan and were creating our home there. Joe had started a dream job and I was working a couple part time jobs trying to find my place in Michigan. We had even started discussing a family and were ready to try. We'll as the old saying goes.... it only takes one time and poof we were pregnant. We found out 3 days before our marriage celebration on July 30th. I was only 4 weeks along, my OB said I was the earliest pregnant lady she had ever seen. We were elated!
We were celebrating our love for each other with our family and friends, it was one of the best days of our life and to top it off, we had already created our own little family together. Just 4 weeks along. We weren't ready to spill the beans just yet, we figured it would be safe after the 12 week mark but seriously who can really hold it in that long. Before the night was over, our parents, our siblings and a few close friends new about our little peanut. Even one of Joe's cousins called me out as he noticed I hadn't had a drink in my hand all evening. Thank you Adam ;-)
Within weeks we were telling everyone we were so excited!! So many of our friends had already started families of their own, my two sisters were even pregnant; there were babies and pregnant ladies everywhere!
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