Merry Christmas to some very special families

Last month I found a page on Facebook called the Remember Together Swap, a Christmas ornament exchange for families who have lost children. I entered Joe and I in the exchange and we were told we would receive a homemade ornament from another family just for Elliott. In return we were given the name of another family and made an ornament for them. A few days after receiving the name of the baby we were going to make an ornament for I began looking for ideas online. I looked through Pinterest a few times and finally came up with an idea. However, as I was making the ornament for the family we were given through the exchange I thought that I would make the ornaments for some other special families we know.

I covered 2 in x 2 in blocks of wood with decorative paper using mod podge. One side of each block lists the baby's name, birth date, a silhouette and the quote; "Because someone we love is in Heaven, a little bit of Heaven is in our home."

Merry Christmas, love Joe, Kim and our angel Elliott.

Angel Wings

For this year's annual Christmas cookie exchange with some friends here in Michigan, I found a recipe I couldn't pass up called...Angel Wings

I found the recipe in one of my favorite cooking magazines, the Food Network Magazine. These little cookies were so much fun to make and super easy. They are best when hot and fresh and taste a bit like those delicious funnel cakes from the fair. Only these have lemon zest added for some fresh zing. Love them.

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At last year's cookie exchange I was pregnant with Elliott. I love to cook and bake and to do that with Elliott would have been a dream come true. I can picture her in the kitchen with me, covered in flour and sugar, licking the icing and and sprinkles off her fingers. Maybe it's so easy to picture because recently I received this picture of my niece Ireland making cookies with my brother and sister in law. Ireland is a beautiful reminder of Elliott for us. When Elliott was born, she had the longest fingers and my mom said her hands looked just like Ireland's.

Angel Wings recipe (Food Network)
2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
1/2 cup sour cream
4 large egg yolks
2 tablespoons honey
1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest (I use more)
1/2 teaspoon salt
Vegetable oil, for frying
2 cups confectioners' sugar

Combine the flour, sour cream, egg yolks, honey, lemon zest and salt in a stand mixer fitted with a dough hook attachment. (or a hand mixer with 1 beater as I used) Mix on meduim-high speed until the dough comes together and begins to pull away from the bowl, 3-4 minutes. (if you use a hand mixer, you will need to use your hands to form the dough into a ball). Turn out onto a floured surface and knead until smooth, about 5 minutes. Divide into 2 balls, loosely cover with plastic wrap and let sit at room temperature, 1 hour.

Roll out each ball on a floured surface into a 12-inch square, about 1/8 inch thick. Cut each square into 7 strips, then cut each strip crosswise into thirds (you will have 42 squares). One at a time, make a 1 inch slit lengthwise down the center of each rectangle; lift a short end and thread it through the slit, then pull out and twist in the middle so it looks like a bow.

Heat about 3 inches of vegetable oil in a pot over medium heat until a deep-fry thermometer registers 350. Fry 5-7 cookies at a time, turning until deep brown, 2-3 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on paper towels. Toss in the confectioners' sugar. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days.

For you sweet Elliott.

Sandy Hook Elementary, I am praying To God for you

As like many of you, I spent all day yesterday following the news of the horrible massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary. I watched the news into the late evening, went to sleep thinking of the families and woke up thinking of those same families.

I know what it's like to lose a baby, our baby Elliott, who we love with all of our hearts, who we wanted with all of our hearts, and who we miss with all of our hearts.

BUT, I can not even fathom what it's like to have your child murdered, a child who you've seen grow into their sweet, loving, charismatic self each day. To know everything about them, what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, to know their fun little ways, their dreams, their smiles, their hugs and their "I love yous". All of that gone, in an instant, and why?

It was around 9pm last night that I could feel the shock of the news wearing off and the reality setting in of the grieving families. I started to feel physically sick myself, reliving the loss of Elliott and those initial days when she was no longer with us. I remember the day of her funeral I had cried so hard that day and as I was walking upstairs to our bedroom to go to sleep I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I didn't even recognize myself, the pain I felt on the inside was truly reflected on the outside, my face distorted from pain, brows furrowed, eyes squinted shut from the puffiness of crying all day. I had seen what I looked like after crying plenty of times, but this was different. I could truly see the pain in my soul on my face. It was ugly. I looked ugly, I thought to myself at that moment this is an ugly place in our lives. I laid down in bed that night and for the first (and only) time I prayed to God that I would not wake up the next morning. I didn't think I could possibly live beyond that ugliness. The loss of a child is ugly. The men and women who murder these innocent people are ugly. The evil in our world is ugly.

The imbalance in our world is beyond me. How do we possibly change things? Why does it take tragedies like September 11th to come together as a country, to love our neighbors like ourselves, to be unified, or for a massacre at an elementary school for it to be "politically correct" to say we have to pray for these families, yet prayer and God are banned from schools. And we have to be so sensitive to one another's feeling for fear we will offend them with the slightest talk of "religion" or "faith" or God. Come on!!!

I don't care who I offend. I believe in God. I am a follower of Christ, I pray to the Lord my God, to Jesus Christ who lived and died for me.

And what breaks my heart even more, and history has shown, that in just a few short months or maybe a year we will all move on, we will stop talking about those innocent children and adults who were murdered, we will stop praying for those families, and we will go back our lives, to a country so divided on every political issue, a country full of people so engrossed in their own agenda that they can't even see beyond themselves to what their family, friends and or neighbors needs are. And, before we know it we will be watching the news again, watching another horrible tragedy play out before our eyes and all we will say is, we have to pray for these families.

But what have we done since then.

It saddened me to hear a news castor say last night, "We're hoping some of these children are young enough that they will forget and not remember this day." Seriously! How can you possibly think that. Think back to when you were a child and all of the things you remember. I remember the very first time I got my name on the board in kindergarten. At 5 years old that was a tragedy to me and I still remember it to this day. How, HOW can you possibly think that these kids will not remember this day. They will remember and they are victims too. They may not remember every detail, but they will remember and it will shape who they become.

We shape the future for our children, as parents, siblings, aunt and uncles, as neighbors, teachers, coaches, law enforcement and political leaders...

What is it going to take to make a change? I'm not just proposing this, I'm seriously asking myself this just like each of you are? What is it truly going to take? I wish I had the answers.

I wish I could do something, say something to the families in Connecticut.  I guess all I can do all the way from Michigan, like so many in our country are doing, is pray To GOD for them. I pray that God will provide them with peace in their hearts like He did mine, I pray that He will provide them with strength to face every day from this point on like He has for me, I pray that He will show them love and compassion through their families, friends, neighbors and complete strangers like He did for me and I pray that in time He will show them the good in this world and not just the ugly like He has shown me.

Christmas time is here...

For those of you who do not know my husband Joe, he brings joy and laughter wherever he goes. He's goofy, entertaining and witty but beneath all of that he is caring, sincere and has one of the biggest hearts I know. A few days after Thanksgiving, in a grumpy pitiful tone I said to Joe, "if this was a normal year, I would have already had the tree up, so if you want it up just tell me...", his response was - "This is Elliott's first Chrstimas in Heaven, we have to put it up."

On Sunday we attended a candle light service at Vermeulen Funeral Home. It was a special night for all of the families there and as we lit our candle we said our loved one's name out loud for all to hear. This is for you sweet Elliott.

Tonight Joe and I will be going to Glory of Christmas at our church. We attended last year as well and I remember feeling so many emotions at one time. I felt overwhelming sadness, brokenness and grief - yet I felt peace, joy and so very very blessed. Even knowing Elliott's prognosis, I felt blessed to have gotten pregnant and experiencing that amazing feeling of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I felt blessed to have experienced Elliott's kicks in my belly. My favorite thing to eat while I was pregnant with her was orange jello with those little oranges in it. She would move around like crazy after I would eat it and I cherished those memories so much. I felt blessed for the time I, we had with her. Elliott's loss has certainly taken it's toll on me. I've had some pretty ugly days and I will never be the same. I've been living in this grief cloud for a long time but I feel it lifting. This year I'm looking forward to another evening with Joe and another powerful and inspirational Glory of Christmas performance.

Dear Lord, I have so much to be thankful for and to give You praise over. I'm so blessed and this year I want to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. I may not be able to bring myself to go shopping at the mall and I may cry while wrapping every gift this year but I will continue to honor You, give glory to You and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

The 3rd is for Elliott

Elliott holding Janet's hand

Me holding Joe's hand

Thankfulness

The days leading up to Thanksgiving were emotional just as to be expected. During the seven hour drive home to visit family and friends we were reminded of her absence by the silence in the car. No giggling baby playing in her car seat, no fussy tears from a little girl tired of being buckled up for hours upon hours. No silly kids songs playing on the radio to pass the time. Our bags are packed with familiar items, our clothes, not hers. Books, phones and computers to steal away the silence and distract us from the void.

We stopped at McDonalds for lunch half way home and at the table next to us sat a mom and dad with their three girls. Three! I found myself thinking, why did they get three? Isn't that horrible. I hate those moments, of bitterness, jealousy, frustration. Another family enters in, two more little girls run in to the bathroom. My eyes can only focus on the chicken salad in front of me that I no longer have any appetite to eat. I miss Elliott so much.

Joe looks up and says,..."I feel like there are a million little girls in this place". That's what the weight of her being gone is like. Two, three become hundreds, almost suffocating.

It's only after being back in the cold, back in our car, just the two of us, some thirty miles away from that McDonalds that I feel like I can breath again. And I thank God for those little girls, those blessing to their parents. And I thank God for Elliott.

Is it wrong for me to just want her here with us. To dress her in her First Thanksgiving shirt, let her lick a bit of chocolate from the cake I made, snuggle her in our arms late at night as we sit with the rest of our family.

At one point during our drive home, I said to Joe, lets just turn around and go back home.

I'm so glad we didn't. I'm glad we traveled home to my parents. I'm grateful for the time I spent cooking in the kitchen with my mom and talking. I'm glad she was there to give me a hug after I cried because the pot of sugar boiling on the stove boiled over - twice. She knew the true reason for the tears.

I'm grateful for my family this Thanksgiving day, for my cousin Steph for hosting, her daughter Vanessa for saying grace and my nephew Jensen for filling my empty arms for a few hours during the day. I'm thankful for my cousin Jill who lets me know she's thinking of us in one way or another just about every week.

I'm thankful for Joe's mom showing me the Sock Kitty she bought for Elliott and is now kept as a reminder of her.

I'm thankful for my husband for being by my side each and every day.

We're blessed beyond measure with amazing friends and family. I would list you all out name by name if I could and all that you've done for us.

And I'm thankful for Elliott. I'm thankful for the time we had with her and the memories we have of her.

The gooey chocolate pumpkin spice cake I made.
Tastes better than it looks but wanted to show what took way to long to make.

Jensen opening his birthday gift from us.
I can't believe this big guy is 1 already.

My parents planted a Crimson Maple tree for Elliott in their front yard.
It will  have purple leaves. 

From my devotional Saturday morning;
Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction: You give Me thanks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is a spiritual act of obedience - at times, blind obedience. To people who don't know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties may remain.
Thankfulness opens your heart to My Presence and your mind to My thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see from My perspective. It is the Light of My Presence that removes the sting of adversity. 
Ephesians 5:20; Psalm 118:1; Psalm 89:15.

Elliott's Story

Last month Joe and I were asked to speak at a fundraiser for Perinatal Hospice of Washtenaw County. Janet Holtz, Director of Perintal Hospice helped us immensely throughout the pregnancy and during Elliott's birth. Her services are unique and of great importance to families experiencing a pregnancy with a terminal prognosis.

Joe and I with Janet Holtz

A few of our favorite pictures of Elliott

Memory boxes and information on Perinatal Hospice

Names of the babies Janet has helped over the years

The fundraiser was held at Christ the King Parish in Ann Arbor Michigan and included an evening of music by renowned composer and musician Eric Genuis and his Violinist, Alena Merimee, Cellist Sophie Webber and Soprano Holly Sedillos. His music is absolutely beautiful and more information about him can be found here. 

Joe and I with Eric Genuis

After listening to our video for the first time, I realized we left out one of the most important points, that Elliott was a gift from God, a true blessing and we are so thankful for her. Only God truly knows how long, or short, our lives will be. And as I've said before, life is not defined by days, months or years, it is fined by love. So love God with all of your heart, mind and soul. Love your family, love them with all of your heart, forgive them for their ways, their mistakes, those hurtful words they can't take back. Life is too short not too. Love your friends and don't hesitate to make new ones. You never know, they may just be the very ones that carry you through the darkest days of your life. Love your husband or wife to the fullest. Joe was my rock, my strength from the very day we knew of Elliott's prognosis. He was strong when I couldn't be. He held me every day that I cried and held back his own tears. He went to work every day and faced the impossible with grace while I stayed at home, hid from the world and sought safety in the comfort of these four walls. Joe handled the hardest details, the planning of Elliott's funeral, holding his first born and pouring all the love a daddy could offer in just one short hour, and handing her fragile body over to the funeral staff so I didn't have to. In the days following he made sure everyone else was ok before he even began to think about what he needed. Joe is an amazing husband and father.

A view of the beautiful church

This opportunity was truly a blessing and we are so thankful to Janet for asking us to speak. My parents were able to make the trip to Michigan from Illinois to be with us. They graciously agreed to video tape our speech and as you will find in watching our video it was an emotional evening for everyone. We decided not to edit the video but to give it to you raw, just as we spoke that night, with raw emotions and truth. Please forgive the shaky video.

 

The 3rd is for Elliott

In this month of Thanksgiving we share how thankful we are for our sweet Elliott. She has changed our lives and touched our hearts in ways we never thought possible. She is forever our daughter and we her parents and one day we will get to spend eternity with this precious little angel. 

We are so thankful.

We made it through another one

We made it through Halloween. I dreaded the days and even hours leading up to seeing the cute little kids in their costumes smiling and eagerly waiting for their bags to be filled with candy. This year I purposely stayed in the background, behind my husband and friends, behind the bonfire that shielded me from seeing the smiles on their faces, the cute pinks and purples of the little girls' dresses. The cold helped numb the pain and before I knew it, it was over. Maybe it was the weather, the cold or spitting rain that kept them away but the trick-or-treaters were few this year and I will admit I was happy about that.

How did we do this last year? I sat around the same bonfire with our friends and passed out the candy, I smiled into the eyes of the little ones and even said how cute they were. Was I incomplete denial? Was I in survival mode? Or was I just carrying out the motions, or was God carrying me through that moment showering us with joy in the midst of our storm - I think he was and so I choose to look back on last year's Halloween with Elliott as a happy memory.

This year was definitely different, but thank you Lord for our friends, they've become like our second family here and they bring so much joy to our hearts. I'm glad we did go to be with them.

I barely remember Easter this year. What I do remember is telling Joe we can't spend Easter with my family because it will be too hard to see all of the little kids. I hated those words coming out of my mouth. I love my family and I love all of the babies. But I just couldn't bring myself to go home. So this year we spent Easter with Joe's family, his mom, step-dad and sister. We had a nice time, and who better to be with than Joe's family when not with mine. Upon walking into Joe's sister's apartment I saw several pictures of Elliott and I wanted to cry so bad. Not because I was sad at that moment but because it meant so much to me that Leslie was proud of her niece Elliott and put those pictures out. I held the tears back because I wanted to be "strong" but Les - thank you! 

I hate that our loss has distanced me from some of the people I love most. There are so many days when I want to call or return an email right away but I just struggle with the words or strength to be happy for you in those moments, but please know I still love you just the same. Please give me grace and know that in time I will be a good friend again.

It's a constant prayer of mine that the sadness, jealousy and bitterness continues to fade and stays away.

Last year we spent Thanksgiving with Joe's family and Christmas with mine. This year the holidays will be flipped. Last year I put out all of the decorations and we took pictures in front of the tree showing off my growing belly. I guess we were trying to find some normalcy during such a difficult time. And it was while we were packing up the Christmas tree last year that we choose the name Faith as Elliott's middle name.

And I'm holding on to that faith each and every day like it's the last twig on the tree ready to snap in half and let me fall down, down, down.

This year, I can't even bring myself to go into the closet that holds our ornaments. 

I've been told it gets easier with time, that you get better at living life in spite of the pain. Some days it's so hard to believe that, but those words have come from mommy's just like me. 

One year ago today

We were told that Elliott had complications incompatible with life and that practically everything regarding her body and organs were abnormal. That she was a 1 in 10,000 baby.

We can't imagine what our life would be like today had we not of been strong enough to do what we knew was right in our hearts, had we not met our sweet little baby girl. Elliott was truly a gift in so many ways.

"Life is not defined by it's timeline, by years, days, hours or even a few sweet minutes, 

It is defined by love." 

I find comfort in this

Jesus Calling Devotional by Sarah Young

Be prepared to suffer for Me, in My name. All suffering has meaning in My kingdom. Pain and problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely – even thanking Me for them – is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends our ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles

When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and that I can bring good out of everything. Do not try to run from pain or hide from problems. Instead, accept adversity in My name, offering it up to Me for My purpose. Thus, your suffering gains meaning and draws you closer to Me. Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness.

James 1:3-4, Psalms 107:21-22

Look to Me continually for help, comfort and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matters as well as in large ones, keeps you spiritually alive.

When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in my arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it.

My constant Companionship is the piece de resistance: the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift.

Psalm 34:4-6, Psalm 105:4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I hope others will too.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Wave of Light for October 15th

Everyone is invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in ALL Time Zones

 ALL OVER THE WORLD.

If eveyrone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least an hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Read More Here;

http://www.october15th.com/

Perinatal Hospice

The time has come when we get to say thank you to a wonderful woman named Janet and support her work with Perinatal Hospice and Joe and I cannot wait to stand before a crowd of 500+ people and share our story about Elliott and how Janet helped us along the way.

I don't know if we will ever have the words to describe what Janet did for us but we've spent hours working on our speech and praying for God to speak through us and give us the strength to get on that stage and pour out our thanks to her.

Janet volunteers her time to come along families going through similar situations as ours and guides them through the pregnancy, delivery and what follows. She offers a variety of services to families, from in home lamaze classes to help with birth plans and funeral arrangements and so much more. All of her services and time spent with the family is free and she truly makes herself available day and night. The day we unexpectedly went in to labor with Elliott, Joe called Janet and within hours she was at the hospital with us.

We feel blessed to have been introduced to Janet and for the information and services she provided Joe, Elliott and I.

This Saturday a fundraiser will be held at Christ the King Parish in Ann Arbor at 7:30pm, including a concert with accomplished composer and pianist Eric Genuis. Eric and his wife have had two newborn losses and alot of his music is dedicated to the memory of their babies. The concert is open to the public and free to attend and a goodwill offering will be collected at the end for Perinatal Hospice.

If anyone would like to make a donation to Janet you can send a check to Perinatal Hospice, PO Box 2102, Ann Arbor MI 48106. Please make the check to Perinatal Hospice and put Elliott Jensen in the memo line. Some of the money donated in Elliott's name is used to purchase the book I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. I read this book during the pregnancy and felt a connection with the author. This book mentored me, ministered to me and helped me during the pregnancy. It is a story very similar to ours and now Janet donates this book to families she works with. The money will also be used to purchase memory boxes. While it may just seem like a simple little box, these memory boxes are cherished by the families.

We are incredibly thankful to Janet and for this opportunity to talk about Elliott.

holidays

At certain moments I find myself thinking about unpacking those fall decorations and putting them out in the house. As I walk through the isles in the stores my focus turns to the creative halloween witches and at times I think it would be fun to bring home some pumkins for Joe and I to carve out.

But it's just not in me this year.

How we got through them last year I don't know. Maybe it's because Elliott was still with us, maybe it's because our family and friends walked on pins and needles around us carefully choosing their words and while never really knowing what to say to us...said it all in a hug, or a prayer or a card or a call.

If I didn't have a job, if I didn't have a wonderful husband, if I didn't have an amazing family and friends and if I didn't have my faith, I would crawl back into bed and sleep from now until January 1st...

The 3rd is for Elliott

While we held you in our hands for just a short time,
we hold you in our hearts forever

Changing Seasons

Just as the seasons are changing, I feel as though our season of life is changing too.

This past week I had an early morning appointment with a new obgyn, no I am not pregnant yet, but as I was driving to work after the appointment I noticed for the first time that the leaves are beginning to change. There was far less traffic on the road and so my mind wandered as I thought about how quickly time goes by, how fast seasons change and where we were just 7 short months ago.

This has been a very hard, very sad and very life changing season for Joe and I. I in no way want to rush through the grieving, or move forward to quickly after loosing Elliott and the thought of an exciting healthy pregnancy erasing the memory of our sweet Elliott brings a knot the size of a melon to my throat.

But seasons change and time moves forward and thankfully God's grace and mercy has carried us along the way.

The appointment with our new doctor went very well.  I prayed for weeks leading up to the doctor's appointment that we would meet a doctor who would be sensitive, compassionate, understanding and supportive. Thank you God for answering my prayer.

Our new doctor spent a very long time with me as I shared about Elliott, the pregnancy, the complications, my fears and anxieties about moving forward and getting pregnant again and much more. He showed empathy and professionalism and said without a doubt that he too believes we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby. He reassured us that we could call or email him anytime regarding any concerns or questions. He said he would support us and anything we needed. I feel so comfortable with him and I am so happy that this is one less thing to worry about as my mind is already filled with so many other fears and worries.


I have this horrible fear of flying. I never used to be afraid to fly, but over the years my fear has gotten worse and even after one successful flight after another I'm still terrified to fly. But, I do it. And of all things; Joe and I flew to Las Vegas to get married! -shows how much I really love him huh :).

Anyway, in June we flew to Riviera Maya, Mexico for Joe's cousin's wedding. My anxiety leading up to the flight was overwhelming and I was even beginning to wonder if I would even get on the darn plane. I had packed my Dramamine and said my prayers but just as we were about to walk out the door I grabbed a book my friend Lynne gave me months ago called, The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word by Joyce Meyer (my mom loves Joyce Meyer by the way) and I turned to the section on anxiety and worry. And this is what I read and memorized;

"I am strong, courageous, and firm; I fear not and am not in terror, for it is the Lord my God Who goes with me; He will not fail me or forsake me.'" - Deuteronomy 31:6.

I said this verse over and over on the flights to and from. And I've kept saying it since. I say it over and over when I feel scared about getting pregnant. I say it over and over when the weight of Elliott's death paralyzes me and keeps me from wanting to leave the house. I say it over and over when I step foot on the hospital floor at work and those memories of Elliott's last breath flood my mind. I say it and I believe it!

These words give me strength, God gives me strength. Thank you Lord for being strong when I am weak.

I recently started another bible study and it just so happens to be in the book of Deuteronomy (coincidence?) called the Law of Love, Lessons from the pages of Deuteronomy. Another Beth Moore series.

Last week Beth shared all about God 's love for us and she spoke in depth about the love of a parent towards a child. My eyes full of tears, I sat and listened knowing full well what that love means and praying with all of my heart that it will be God's will for us to have and love a healthy child here on earth.

I feel as though I've grown so much since the beginning of the pregnancy with Elliott. I feel stronger, more secure in who I am, more committed to my faith and growing relationship with the Lord

and I feel ready for this new season in life.

A small opportunity to give back

As we began to share the news of sweet Elliott's complications and prognosis our family and friends and even strangers who heard our story wrapped their arms around us and carried us through some of the most difficult, dark, scary and sad days of our lives.

At the hospital we delivered Elliott at, nurses who took a little extra time to be compassionate with us, touched our hearts forever. One even shared her own story of loss and we were reminded that we are not alone in this.

As we left the hospital with empty arms and shattered hearts, wishing so desperately that this was a nightmare we would soon wake up from, Joe and I knew we needed to love, respect and comfort each other more than we ever had before.

Love, compassion, empathy, respect and grace. I have never witnessed these acts more than I have in last year of my life. So many people have touched our hearts and have left me wanting to give back and help others too.

An opportunity came up recently at the hospital that I work at allowing me to be on the floors assisting patients as a dietetic technician. Without getting into too much detail, I see around 80 patients a day, assisting them with their meal selections and making sure they stay in compliance with their diet order and receive the adequate nutrition they need.

Years ago I would never have thought I would be working in healthcare. The thought of working in a hospital I found to be a bit frightening. But so much has changed since then, I have changed. When the opportunity at work came up I jumped for it immediately. I really didn't question it, I just knew I wanted to do it. I wanted to help these patients. I really felt as though it was less of me pushing myself to try something new and more of being called to do this. I really believe that God has placed this opportunity in my life at this exact moment for a reason. That this is not for me to be prideful about, but it is an opportunity to show His love and compassion through my words and actions.

My first day on the floor began with a variety of emotions. I was incredibly nervous but excited at the same time. I was training with another diet tech so I wasn't on my own just yet. As we headed out of our office and on to the floors I felt those butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter....what am I doing I thought.

We turned the corner and entered a patient's room, it was a female patient and immediately I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I just kept picturing myself in that bed, in that gown, the smells, the sights, the noises everything was coming back to me of those horrible days in the hospital without Elliott. I felt myself inching back towards the doorway. Where is the closest exit?/?I just want to go home and cry. I felt the tears fill in my eyes and I batted them away. I looked at the patient in the bed and some how was able to think about her, just her. I'm here to help her today. That's why I'm doing this.

As we went from room to room, my heart felt heavier and heavier. So many of these patients are so very sick and some of them so very sad. And I felt sad too.

Thursday was an incredibly emotional day for me and there were many times throughout the day that I just wanted to say to the woman I was training with, I'm sorry but I just don't think I can do this.....

But God was telling me, oh yes you can. And with His help I made it through the day and as Friday morning came, I woke up bright an early and headed back to work to do it all over again. I took the elevator to the 5th floor and headed to my office. But as I walked down the hallway I recognized a woman leaving and then I recognized her husband, who I had just helped the day before. I couldn't believe he was up and walking and being discharged. I instantly felt my spirit being lifted and I felt a new excitement about the day.

I was less nervous and not as sad, but as always had Elliott on my mind. As we entered the patient's rooms, many of the same patients we saw the day before I observed how much better they looked and acted. They were feeling better, their spirits were up, they were more willing to work with me, some of them said thank you and some even smiled back at me and many of them told me they were going home that same day.

And I thought, this is how it's supposed to be. People are supposed to get better and be happy and go home to their families and their lives again. And I want to help them do that. And even if what I'm doing is such a small part of helping them feel better and get well. Even if all I can do is offer them a smile and let them know that just because their family may have left for the night, they are not alone in this building and we are here to help them. Even if all I can do is show them compassion by spending just an extra minute or two in their room to hear them share a story or voice a concern or even a complaint, they just want someone to listen.

We didn't get to leave the hospital happy, we left devastated and with a huge part of us gone. But many of these patients will get to leave happy and well and I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to help them do that, even if it's just in the smallest way.

So thank you to everyone who touched my life and showed me love and compassion.

And to my sweet Elliott, without you, I would not be who I am today. All that I do is in honor of you.

The 3rd is for Elliott

Sweet Elliott, we found out we were pregnant with you two days before our second wedding ceremony with our family and friends. We had so much joy in our hearts during that time.

And we never stopped loving you 

It's a long one, but worth the read

As we approach the "6 month" mark I've begun to feel as though all of my emotions have been magnified, my highs seem higher and my lows much lower.

Is this the depression stage of grief, is this postpartum, is this ptsd, is this mom guilt? These are the things running through my mind and I keep thinking, yes, all of these things are wrong with me and they are just now starting to show their ugly head, 6 months later. 6 months of very hard work down the drain, 6 months of getting out of bed to face the day, 6 months of finding joy in the big things again and 6 months of realizing how very very little the small "issues" in life matter, 6 months of loving my husband and spending quality time with him even with a very big part of "us" gone, 6 months of working so very hard to restore a relationship with God, a relationship based solely on faith and trust when in the pit of my stomach I want to hate Him, blame Him and not trust Him again for breaking my heart into a million pieces.

And then there's the 6 month mark, we waited the 6 months that our doctors told us to wait. 6 months to let my body heal or was it supposed to be 6 months to let our hearts heal??? I find myself obsessing over getting pregnant again, not so much about getting pregnant, but about not causing anything bad to happen again. There it is again, that guilt that hides in the pit of my stomach. Did I do something that caused all of those complications for Elliott? So here I am, taking all of the prenatals again and the 4mg of folic acids. I'm replacing household cleaners with organic items, I'm reading the ingredients of every food item I buy. I've already banned green tea from my diet, yes green tea which is known to cause neural tube defects....those are the words on her death certificate, neural tube defect. I remember asking my ob about that at one of my follow up appointments for the c-section and he simply and without any emotion said, yes that's what we put on there but she had many other problems too. As if I had forgotten?

So here we are, 6 months later. We will start trying again soon and all we can ask for now are your prayers. Prayers for calm hearts and calm minds because I know I'll be a nervous wreck, but most importantly prayers for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. We believe in our hearts that God will bless us with a healthy baby.

A few weeks ago I started another bible study, this one by Priscilla Shirer called Seed. It's a 6 (ironic) week study on the following; Forgotten, Enough, Control, Armor (last nights reading), Five and Glory. Well to say God has a funny sense of humor when it comes to timing is an understatement as each week I have been able to relate, connect and find healing in each reading.

Forgotten - yes we have felt forgotten by Him, He forgot to hear our prayers and our pleading, He forgot to heal our sweet Elliott, and He forgot to give us the joy of being parents. But, has he really forgotten about us? "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be firm (steadfast), immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord (always being superior, excelling, doing more than enough in the service of the Lord), knowing and being continually aware that your labor in the Lord is not futile (it is never wasted or to no purpose)" 1 Cor. 15:58. He hasn't forgotten us and in fact, knowing what the future holds should compel us to be that much more diligent in the present. We were diligent in fulfilling Gods will with Elliott.

Enough - I have never in my life felt so incredibly empty as I felt during the pregnancy and over the past 6 months. I may never agree or completely understand why we have to learn or be tested this way, but I have learned through loosing Elliott, through feeling empty, through wanting to give up, that only He is enough to deliver me through it. He is enough to help me face this grief, He is enough to give me strength when I am weak, He is enough to give me peace through the storm. "May grace (God's favor) and peace (which is perfect well-being, all necessary good, all spiritual prosperity, and freedom from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts) be multiplied to you in (the full, personal, precise, and correct) knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. For His divine power has bestowed upon us all things that (are requisite and suited) to life and godliness through the (full, personal) knowledge of Him Who called us by and to His own glory and excellence (virtue)". 2 Pet. 1:2-3.

Control - This one hit pretty close to home too. What are all the things I want to control? My job, my house, my health, my finances, my husband, my (insert anything here). I'm human right, and this is still a daily battle to accept but in reality nothing is in my control. I couldn't control the complications Elliott had, I couldn't control that there was nothing the doctors could do for her, I couldn't even control when we had her. I tried to buy more time with her, but it was all in God's control, His timing and His plan. I can't control how long it may take us to get pregnant again and I can't control what the doctors tell us during that first ultrasound and I can't control what our future brings, but He can. "Then He said to them, 'My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me' And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will but as You will.'" Matt. 26: 38-39.

Armor - Yesterday was a tough day at work. It's hard to concentrate some days and the mistakes I make multiply and the doubt is doubled.  Am I capable of doing this job? Did I go back to work too soon? What if my co-workers knew what I'm going through, would they be more patient and understanding with me? On the drive home I cried again, tears because I miss Elliott, tears because life is really hard sometimes, tears because I want so badly to be pregnant again, to have a healthy baby and to be able to give all of the mommy love I have to another baby, and tears because I'd give anything not be at work right now but to be home with my Elliott. I slow down as I get closer to home and dry my eyes, let the redness clear because even though I know Joe would be right there to hug me, console me and be strong for me, I just don't want to ask this of him again today. He's been my rock and I am so grateful to him. But I know he needs a break too, I'm already a sensitive and emotional person by nature and since Elliott everything has been magnified and I'm sure it takes it's toll on Joe. God blessed me with a good, strong, selfless and supportive husband, this I do know and do not take for granted.

I didn't want to go to my bible study last night either, I just wanted to feel sorry for myself, give in to the depression and sit on the couch and be numb to my situation. But I managed to gather up the strength and will power and I went to bible study...

This is the verse we recited at the beginning of the evening;
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Eph. 6: 10-18.

Through tear filled eyes I recited that verse with a room full of women and I thanked God for pouring those words into my soul at the right exact moment. The armor of God will protect me from satan. His belt of truth will protect me from the lies satan feeds me, lies that I'm incapable of doing my job at work, lies that I'm weak and unworthy of a family of my own. His breastplate of righteousness will protect my heart from becoming bitter, angry and void of love and happiness. And the shield of faith, which seems to be where I'm tested the most, will protect me from believing that God has truly forgotten about Joe and I. With the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit I will come to know Him more day by day.

I believe satan sees how far I've come and how strong my faith is now and he's trying to take make me weak. I think he sees how much love and respect Joe and I have for each other and he's trying to break that down, I think he sees our hope and he's trying to shatter it, but I won't let him ruin all of these things for me, and for Joe.

With the armor of God I will be strong and I will give Him all of the glory.

The 3rd is for Elliott

Many silent heros helped us bring Elliott into the world
and supported us during the pregnancy. 

Dr. F. was the specialist who worked with us from the very beginning. She performed the ultrasound that showed all of Elliott's complications and had to tell us all of them, one by one as we cried in the room. She told us how sorry she was for us, she sat with us as we cried, she hugged us, she supported us, she allowed and encouraged us to come in for monthly ultrasound, many of them just to see Elliott move around knowing it would be the only time we'd get to see her do this, she patiently and professionally answered many questions we asked her, many of them over and over as we tried to accept things and she told us she thought of us as family. The day I begged her for an amnio-reduction to buy more time with Elliott, she told me how much she admired Joe and I. And the day we went into labor unexpectedly she asked if she could be in the operating room to meet Elliott. And she called a week after we left the hospital to see how we were doing. We are so thankful to her. 

This is Janet with Perinatal Hospice. She was introduced to us by my friend Lynn who is another silent hero who mentored me and supported me during the entire pregnancy. Janet volunteers her time to work with families who have received a terminal prognosis during their pregnancy. After months and months of hearing from doctors that there was nothing they can do for Elliott, Janet came into our lives and said, yes, there is something you can do. She showed us how to plan and prepare as best we could to say goodbye to Elliott. And when that's all that you can do it means so much to you. She provides many services for families and allows you to choose those which you are comfortable with. She is truly an angel.

We had originally planned to deliver Elliott at Providence Park Hospital in Novi with the doctors and nurses we had worked with. However, we had drove to Southfield, MI for Dr. F. to perform the amnio-reduction and it actually caused me to go into labor. I was offered the option of being transferred to Novi, but with such intense labor pains and getting sick because of them, we all agreed it would be best just to stay in Southfield. And in comes Nurse R. She introduced herself to us and we gave her our birthplan and told her we were as prepared as could be for this day. She sat down on my bed and explained to Joe and I that she was part of a group of nurses who works with many families like ours and had several things for us. Joe and I couldn't believe it, this was truly a blessing from God and we felt so supported and in good hands. She presented us with a dress and hat for Elliott and we were so touched. I had made Elliott's blanket for her, but now we had a precious dress for her as well. Nurse R. was incredibly supportive and loving to Elliott and supported our birth plan and everything we asked for the day we had her. Joe and I knew that only God could have brought her into our lives at such an important time.



These are only a few people who supported us and Elliott and we are so thankful and grateful to them. So many other people helped along the way as well and without you all I really don't think we could have gotten through it. And your love and support is all we can ask for now as the days, weeks and months pass. It's still so very hard to believe what we've been through and continue to go through but you all in big and small ways help us to know we are loved, thought about, prayed for and that Elliott will always be remembered by our family and friends. Thank you.

I miss her

Saturday we went to the Ann Arbor Art Fair and on our bus ride into town was a little boy named Elliott...

I heard his dad call out his name as I sat down in my seat, my eyes immediately turned to Joe and we gave each other that familiar look... the look of yes I heard what you heard, the look of are you ok, yes I'm going to be ok, the look of I miss her too.

It was so nice to hear her, and his, name said out loud. I wanted to turn and see what this Elliott looked like but I didn't, I just thought of our Elliott. And I thought of her as we walked through the fair and as I looked at all of the other little girls. And I thought of her as I stared into a black and white photo of a girl dancing in the rain, just a silhoutte, unable to see the color of her eyes, or the color of her hair. Never hearing the sound of her voice or the way she laughs...

I miss her so much.

Sometimes, I just want to hold her again.

Sometimes, I just wish she was here.

This time last year

This time last year things were going so well for Joe and I. We were feeling more and more at home here in Michigan, happy with our jobs, invested in our church, spending time with new friends, and planning our July wedding ceremony with our family and friends back in Illinois. I really didn't think life could get any better, until July 28th when on a whim I took a pregnancy test and walla it turned out positive!

Seeing those two lines gave me goosebumps all over my body, I really couldn't believe it but there it was. We were pregnant and we were beyond happy and feeling so incredibly blessed. Sharing the news with our parents was the best part of all. We knew they would be thrilled for us, for themselves too and we knew they would give our little peanut all the love in the world.

This if a favorite picture of mine taken by our wedding photographer. I love it not because it shows my dress, but beyond the jewels, beyond the dress was our little peanut, there with us on that special day. Joe and I had a big secret we couldn't wait to share with everyone but we patiently waited until the time was right. I remember sitting at our wedding reception listening to the speeches and wanting to be next and announce to the entire room full of our family and friends that we were pregnant! Oh, how I wish I'd had.

For those of you who have followed this blog and know our story, you know what comes next. Our world came crashing down.

I've been struggling alot these past few weeks and have privately (and publicly) been sharing my struggles. But I've also been waiting for them to pass. Grief is like a cycle, for me at least. For days at a time, or even moments through out a day I experience so many varied emotions, sadness, denial, guilt, depression, fear but gradually those turn to a certain kind of acceptance, peace and happiness.

But, lately those darker emotions have been hanging around a little more. At first I thought, well feared, I was moving backwards with this entire "healing thing" and felt so discouraged and almost angry with myself. I've worked so hard these past few months to find peace, to get stronger emotionally and mentally, to get into living again. I don't want to go backwards.

And then it hit me, it's July, the month we found out we were pregnant, the month we found out we were going to be parents and have a baby and a family of our own. We've already started to repeat some of the same things we did while we were pregnant with Elliott and wow, is that a surreal thing to experience. Because so many of those experiences last year were done with the expectation, the hope and the excitement, that the following year would be spent as a family of three doing it them together again.

All I can say is its hard now and life was so easy before all of this. Life was easy, life was fun, and life was taken for granted. So much has changed now, it's harder then I ever thought it would be and I have to really work at making it enjoyable again. But one thing is for sure, I do not take anything for granted anymore, even the small stuff even the routine stuff....and I'm being me. I don't care what others think, I don't care if what I'm doing goes against the grain, I'm being me, I'm being honest with myself and I'm not taking anything or anyone for granted. And I'm having more of a voice in this life God has given me. A voice of faith. I believe all of this is a gift from Elliott.

I think I've said this before, but every day is really a choice. God is the one who doesn't forget to wake me up in the morning, but then I choose to get out of bed, I choose how I spend my day, and I choose not to take it for granted. Some days are easier than others, and most days are still so very hard and to my family and friends it may not seem like I'm enjoying the day or that I'm not "ok". And on those days, I'm probably not "ok" but I'm trying. And most of all I am so thankful for your love, support, patience and understanding.

Every day is spent with Elliott in mind, I think about her every second of every day....

Initially, the tears want to fall and my heart breaks when I realize that what we're doing today was something we did last year with Elliott growing in my belly. But, I'm trying so hard to enjoy those memories too. Because after all, isn't that what we choose for her. We choose life when everything else screamed at us not to.

So with all of my heart and strength and many tears shed, I'm going to go in to this month of July and this year following, celebrating Elliott's life and the memories we shared with her. And thanking God for the time we had with her.

My Memorial Tattoo

I follow an online magazine called Still Standing, it's a beautiful magazine with contributors from around the world to inspire healing after the loss of a child, and those facing infertility. Many of the articles I have read have brought just that, healing. Whether in feeling less alone, or feeling safe to cry those tears I hold in most days, or even getting a smile or two out on a tough day, I'm a faithful follower. 

A few months ago the magazine did a tribute on memorial tattoos, and the pictures families shared were beautiful and I just kept thinking, what a wonderful way to honor your child. I also knew right away that that was what I wanted to do for Elliott.

On Friday, June 29th I got my first and praying to God my last tattoo. I knew I wanted to get her name on my foot and her foot prints. The tattoo artist Dale, asked me which was most important and I said it is her name. I felt so emotional when he asked me that question, because it truly is so important, her name. I also wanted those precious foot prints and he was able to get it all on my foot. He scaled her prints down significantly, but they are hers, her exact prints and pointing right to her mommy.

For sweet Elliott

Pretty sure I left grip marks on that table but it was all worth it.

My cousin Jill. She got her son's name, Liam, on her wrist, it looks beautiful as well.

Jill, thanks for going with me and giving me the courage to get my tattoo. You're a brave woman too and I love that we shared this experience together. I love you, I love Liam and I love my sweet Elliott.

A Gift from Elliott

Last night I was preparing dinner for Joe and I, chicken, potatoes, peppers and a delicious garlic yogurt dip to go with. I initially wanted to have Joe grill everything but in the late afternoon it had begun raining and we even had a few severe storm warnings. So I figured I would just throw it all in the oven and we'd have a nice dinner in no time. Well, as I was prepping everything Joe came in to the kitchen to ask what we were having. I told him my original idea for him to grill but that the weather had really ruined that idea. He perked up and said he'd grill anyway, besides what's a little rain.

But at that point the rain had really started coming down hard. I felt bad about the idea of him standing out in the rain but he persisted. So I continued to prep the food and he turned the gas to the grill on and even put on a hooded jacket to keep himself somewhat dry.

Well, within seconds of me handing him the plate of chicken to grill the rain stopped and the sun came out. We both laughed and were pleasantly surprised with the sunshine. Joe took off his jacket and I continued to hand him more items to place on the grill. I really couldn't believe the timing, it couldn't have worked out better. And then I thought, what a nice gift from Elliott. She must have thought I was crazy sending Joe out in the pouring rain so she stopped the rain and cleared the clouds and brought out the sunshine. Dinner was ready withing 30 minutes and right as Joe handed me the plate of grilled food the wind picked up and the rain began to fall again.

The 3rd is for Elliott

This is my favorite picture of Elliott. 

I think she looks like a little angel here.

I look forward to these monthly posts, sharing her pictures one by one. There is no rush to share them all, for these are all we have. I think of Elliott as each month passes but more so on the 3rd. I think of Elliott every day, and a even more on Fridays. I think of Elliott as ever hour and minute ticks away for it's still so hard to believe she is gone. And as 1 o'clock approaches I remember she was here, she was alive, and I remember - it was all so very worth it. 

Healing

If someone would have told me that in four months after loosing my daughter I would be laughing again I would have told them that would be impossible. If someone would have told me that in four short months after loosing my daughter I would be starting a new job, taking a vacation with my husband, attending church, participating in a bible study, genuinely interested in the lives of my family and friends and simply living life again I would have told them I don't want to live life again, especially if Elliott can't be here too.


But here I am, doing all of those things and living life again and with more passion than I ever thought possible. Why, because my heart is healing. But not to be confused with healed. No, my heart will never be healed completely from the loss of Elliott, from months of living through an incredibly traumatic pregnancy and from the pain of having to say good bye to my first born.


But, my heart is healing and the healing has come from many different ways. It has come from the love and support of our family and friends and to all of you THANK YOU. The healing has come from an unspoken understanding and appreciation for the pain Joe and I have endured together and on our own. Our marriage is so much stronger now and our love and respect for each other continues to bring healing to my heart. The healing has come from four months of grief therapy with my doctor which ended successfully last week. But, the true healing has come from answered prayers and restored faith in my heavenly Father which I believe and know with all of my heart.  


I've prayed for God to take away the pain, the anger and the fear and he is answering my prayers. I've prayed for God to bring the peace, hope and love and he is answering my prayers.


Yes my faith has been tested, yes I've had my doubts, yes I've wanted to give up, yes I've been too hurt, sad and angry to pray but I know that if I hold on to that bitterness, rage, doubt and anger I will forfeit a relationship with Christ and all that he has for me.


A few weeks ago I finished a bible study with my friend Katie :). It was a Beth Moore study entitled James Mercy Triumphs. For eight weeks we studied the book of James and shared personal stories and prayers with many other lovely ladies. I wish I could share everything I learned in those eight weeks in this blog but I wouldn't be able to do it so eloquently as Beth Moore has, so instead I'm going to encourage anyone reading this to seek out a Beth Moore study, you will not regret it.


But I do want to share just a few things that impacted me most while I participated in this study. I was moved many weeks by how Beth Moore intelligently and gracefully spoke on the book of James. But I think it was during week two when she talked about Joy Whenever that I felt as though God was speaking directly to me. This day was spent reading and learning about Joy and Anguish, could any other two words more perfectly describe the pregnancy and birth of Elliott. I cried alot during this study but the tears just poured out of me this day. We studied this verse, "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:2-3. And Beth Moore even spoke briefly on the book I've mentioned many times, I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. If I were ever to get the opportunity to meet Angie I would thank her greatly for writing her book about her daughter Audrey. I was given Angie's book shortly after we were told of Elliott's prognosis and her complications of incompatible with life. Reading Angie's book gave me the strength to live, as hard as it was, each day to the fullest with Elliott and to love Elliott with all of my heart all the while knowing her time with us would be so incredibly short. 


I will admit, joy is not the first word that comes to mind in times of trials and this is a very hard lesson to live out, but I do believe joy is to be found and we did just that the moment Elliott was placed in Joe's hands. She was so incredibly beautiful and we were so full of joy to meet our daughter, even if it was just for a moment. 


I also do believe that the Lord only gives you what He already knows you can endure. 


"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,'" (Jer. 29:11.). 


"One of the hardest things our ears can ever hear is when the doctor says, "There is nothing we can do." Have you ever faced those words? 


YES, so very sadly yes.


Perhaps you'd agree that helplessness is its own form of demoralization. If we do not guard ourselves, we can inject a victim mentality right into the vein of our relationship with God. We can decide that we're mostly powerless down here on planet Earth and that God is going to do what God is going to do, no matter what. We can default into the mentality of pawns and puppets and resolve that our only real decision is whose victim we're going to be.


God could seem to become the lesser of two evils. The lesser oppressor, so to speak. We could reason that we're at least better off being God's victim than anyone else's. Better to spend oppression in Heaven than in hell. The repercussions of this kind of mentality are toxic and completely invasive in our lives. Nothing will remain untainted by it. 


Listen carefully to James and other inspired writers of Scripture; there is rarely nothing you can do. Being still and knowing He is God is a long shot from nothing. Trusting in a God you cannot see is a long shot from nothing. Holding your tongue is a long shot from nothing. Being patient is a long shot from nothing. Confessing sin is a long shot from nothing. Resting in Christ is a long shot from nothing, and hear this one really loudly; praying is along shot from nothing." Beth Moore 


I love how Beth Moore wrote the following; "But He gives greater grace." "Think of all that weighs on you; yesterday's regrets, today's demands, tomorrow's plans. Sink yourself in those five words until all your fears of failure, inadequacy, unforgiveness and insufficiency drown. Don't come  up for air until those fears lay lifeless and cold on the bottom of the sea. Let Jesus lighten your burden until you float to the top, youth renewed, heart restored. He is enough. When you need more, you will have more. When your woes are great, His grace is greater. When our sins are vast, His mercy is deep. We cannot exceed him, we cannot outrun him."


A woman I don't know very well but admire greatly for her faith in the Lord and can relate to immensely as we've both experienced loss once told me that "you just get better at living life inspite of the pain." Those words are so incredibly true. The pain will never be gone completely, we will never be healed completely but I do believe there is a unique and deeper healing found only through the Lord, which I am finding and getting better at living life again.